Most of us have endured some silences in our relations with women we wish hadn’t happened.  Well, first, you don’t have to be scared of silences, because they can be helpful.  And second, there are ways to get a sparkling conversation going from next to ZERO material.

Let’s Take a Moment to Look Left

Brief related tangent time: one question I get asked a lot is “What should I talk about?”

Sure, now you know HOW you’re supposed to talk, but so many guys get stuck on WHAT to talk about.  After all, those dead silences are murder for attraction, right?

First off, not so fast bad-mouthing silence.  More on that later.

Second, it REALLY doesn’t matter WHAT you talk about, so long as you make it interesting.  I’ve said this again and again, but let me stress it now: you can talk about ANYTHING and it’ll be ok.

You can tell a date her butt looks HUGE in that dress.  Say it right and she won’t walk out or slap you, she’ll laugh.

You can wonder aloud whether postal workers get high on stamp glue.

You can go on for half an hour about the off-color corner of that rare Elvis stamp you have framed on your wall… well, ok, maybe not that one.  If you talk at length about certified punchline hobbies, you might be in trouble.

Unless you’re making fun of them, of course.

Can stupid stuff work?  You betcha.

But seriously, this isn’t rocket science.  This isn’t even high school science, despite how often the word “chemistry” gets bandied about.

When I was still studying these skills, some of my “natural” friends would tell me lines they’d used with great success.  I didn’t believe it.  The things they related to me sounded so… DUMB, I couldn’t fathom an attractive intelligent woman would go for them.

Then I saw these guys in action.  Sure, I could HEAR the stupidity of some of the lines – the corniness, the transparency, the if-this-were-in-a-Bond-movie-I’d-groan-now quality to them.

Still, they worked.  I had new respect for groaners in Bond movies.

The key was ALL in the nonverbal delivery, as we’ve talked about at length.

Ok, so now that I’ve hopefully reminded you not to worry too much about the actual content, let me add sometimes you don’t need content AT ALL.

The Golden Silence is as good as the Golden Tongue

Strange, eh?  I have one friend who isn’t a gabber, who doesn’t like to partake in anything CLOSE to small talk.  And when he’s out with women, there are numerous silences.

And it WORKS.  Why?  Because he’s comfortable with it.

Listen, reality is all about perception.  If you’re scared of awkward silences, they become awkward.  If you aren’t, the silences become NATURAL.  And that kind of thing stinks of relaxed confidence.

When you’re relaxed and comfortable enough to let a silence come and it DOESN’T BUG YOU, it communicates all sorts of positive things.  Relaxed Confidence.  Real (no games).  Uh, we need a new word here, not gravity, but the opposite of frivolity.  But while staying playful.  We’ll call it gravolity.

To be clear, don’t overdo this.  If you never say anything, well, you’re just boring.  But don’t be scared of the occasional silence, or letting the lady start a topic and playing with it. (My silent friend does this all the time – and pretty soon, the women are starting all sorts of conversations and he’s viewed as fascinating because they’re talking about things they like to talk about.  Who started the conversation never really enters into their head.)

(Hey, by the way, did you know that psychological studies say that the person who is LEAST comfortable with silence in a group – and hence breaks it – is almost always the MOST insecure?  Still want to fill every last second of air time?)

Silence is nice, but… let’s talk

Still, sometimes you will find yourself in need of something to talk about.  And your mind will be blank.  You know the time for conversation is here – but you’re clueless how to start it.

Well, this is one of the reasons I recommend avoiding dinners and traditional dates, and prefer shared activities.  Especially in fun cool areas.  Who needs to worry about conversation when there’s a man on a leash walking in front of you on the sidewalk, or a shop window with a dismembered mannequin head smeared with lipstick wearing a Ronald McDonald wig and a sign saying “Love me?”

If you can’t think of anything to say in stimulating areas, then you’re just not trying.  Or you’re freaking – in which case you need to use one of your relaxation triggers to get yourself CALM and able to THINK.

Come on, some of our granddaddies kept their heads with the enemy shooting at them.  You can do it with an attractive lady.

But you can’t ALWAYS be in a Greenwich Village knockoff.  Sometimes you need to come up with topics all by your lonesome, right?

Wrong.  See, the definition of conversation is you have to have at least two people.  And that dynamic helps a lot.

Having the conversation SHE wants, every time

Lets borrow a trick from sales, where the seller needs to establish a friendly connection quickly.  How do they do it?

They listen for key words in statements they hear.  And you can do the same.  One simple sentence from your favorite lady can lead to a night’s worth of dialogue.

Example:

“Hi.”

“No, I’m not.  Or were you offering?  I barely know you, and already you bring psychotropic drugs into our relationship?  Wow, you are one crazy chick.”

(She should be laughing, if you delivered it right and she isn’t a nun.) “No, I don’t do drugs on a first date!” (key word: take your pick, drugs or date)

“Oh, but on the second you jump right in?  You’ve said two things, and they both relate to illicit substances.  Get your mind out of the gutter and learn to enjoy life clean too.” (Then order her a beer).

See what’s going on?  Just pick a key word from her conversation, and riff off it.  The above doesn’t apply because it’s too early in your duologue, but even within a few minutes of talking to ANYONE you’ll hear them use keywords that are important to THEM for whatever reason.  Hook onto those and she’ll think you’re the greatest conversationalist ever – because all you talk about is what interests HER.

Example:

“That dog smells like a Thai sewer.”  (key word: Thai)

“And how would you know?  When were you in Thailand?”

“Last month, actually.  It’s insane!” (key word: insane)

“And that’s what attracted you about it?  You wanted to find others as crazy as you are?”

“No!  I went to get my scuba diving certification.” (key word(s): scuba diving, and you have a topic for the next 15 minutes that you KNOW she wants to talk about).

“Homework”

Pretty easy, eh?  In fact, it’s so easy, I’m going to make your homework nice and simple.  Go out and have five conversations where you cue the other person off their keywords.

Have five more where you NEVER start a topic, and see how the silence feels, bearing in mind that you are SEEKING it.

Finally, pick five interesting eclectic spots near you, and go for a walk in them.  Just comment in your head on what you see.

That’s it.  Enjoy your new expression of personal wit and get out there and impress some ladies with it.  You’re ready.

Derek

As you get better at talking to women, you’ll discover they set up hurdles to see how you handle them.  Learn the right way, and not only will you be closer to where you want to be – you’ll become more attractive in the process.

We’re going to talk about some roadblocks now.  You may have the attitude and the moves – but there are always going to be twists thrown at you along the way.

Ever been stood up?  Have a woman show up an hour late with little or no warning?  Whine when she isn’t getting her way?

Suuuuure you haven’t.

The truth is, most of the time this sort of behavior is YOUR OWN fault.  It comes from your initial meetings – either she didn’t have as much fun with you as she should have, or you gave an indication that you can be walked over, or she just plain didn’t get excited by you.

These are all things you can solve by perfecting your relaxed confidence and playful attitude.  That’ll get rid of most flaky behavior.

But sometimes women do this just to see what kind of man you REALLY are.  Maybe she wants to see you again – but refuses your first request for her digits.

She might say she does that because she doesn’t want to be seen as easy – hell, she might even believe it.

But what this REALLY does is reveal who she’s dealing with.  How do you react to the pressure?  Do you get nervous, defensive?  FLEE?  Do you bow your head, shrink your shoulders, and say “That’s ok, I was just wondering.  Nevermind.”?

I used to.  I also used to drool over my Gerber’s meals.  Doesn’t mean I still have to.

Oftentimes the woman just wants to see if the confident face you’re presenting is for real.  Women have tons of tests they use on men – most of them unconscious – but after being approached by hundreds or thousands of guys over the years, women need this sort of thing to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Don’t be thrown.  Recognize it as a test, and don’t let it break your character.

Now, that doesn’t mean you get pushy.  Lots of guys know they shouldn’t just cave in – but they swing too far the other way, and scare women off.  You want to stay playful – like what she decides to do in any situation isn’t given huge importance in your life.  You’re going to have fun regardless – and if she’s smart, she’ll join in, but if not, her loss.

So, if she rebuffs a digit query, PLAY with it.  “Yeah, that’s a good idea.  Truth be told, I just always wanted to write one of those “For a good time call…” messages in the little boy’s room.”  Keep playing with her – that sort of an opening allows for all KINDS of fun – and then later say “Excuse me, I gotta use the bathroom (beat beat), what’s your number again?”

If you’re in a bar and the woman doesn’t want to be led to another area, feel free to TEASE.  “Ok, the REAL reason I’m asking is because you look like you need the exercise.  I was trying to be discreet, but now you’ll just have to do your laps by yourself.”  Make sure you handle this playfully, and don’t be scared to throw her by SHOWING YOUR BACK.

That’s right, if she’s not playing along, there’s no better way to say “You’re no fun” than to withdraw attention.  If you’ve done the job of piquing her interest, chances are VERY good she’ll work to get it back.

And that’s what you want.  You don’t want to constantly try to please her – she’ll know it, slowly lose respect for you and set the bar higher and higher.  And the farther you’ll bend over backwards to please her, the less she’ll like you.

It’s a strange world.

But if you make it clear that being boring, being difficult, or – worst of all – being (legitimately) bratty isn’t something you’re going to allow into your life, not only will you gain her respect and pass her tests, you’ll probably have to deal with such behavior a lot less.

A few more examples.  If you’re on the phone and you’re lady gives you a wishy-washy “Maybe” when you set up a meeting, cut off the possibility of a no-show from the get-go.

“Listen, if there’s one thing I hate, it’s flaky people.  You sound like you aren’t sure about this: if you’re not going to show, tell me now.  That’s cool – but wasting my time isn’t.”  A strong statement like that will usually shock a lady out of her doubt – or, worst case, you’ll find out early on whether she’ll be there or not.

She shows up late and gives the flippant insincere “Sorry.”  What can you say?

“That’s alright.  After all, now you owe me a drink, so I’m happy.

“By the way, my usual is a magnum of Dom Perignon.”

You see what’s going on here?  For the most part, you want to keep it light and happy, but you DON’T want to back down OR get upset.  Your attitude should be “I enjoy my life, and if you want to join the fun, you’re welcome – but if you’re going to throw bullshit my way or try to bring me down, I’ll look elsewhere for interesting people.”

As the above statement makes clear, this isn’t just about early tests.  If you’ve got a girl you’ve been seeing awhile but she starts getting negative or whiny, the same sort of thing applies.

I once had a lady I’d been seeing for about two months, when she emailed me a message saying she loved me, and asked if I loved her too.  I responded playfully – made fun of her moving too fast like a horny high school boy.

She came back with “How could you sleep with me if you don’t love me?”

I responded “You’re getting way too serious.  This is absolutely no fun at all.”

How’d it turn out?  She wound up apologizing to ME!  If you START playful and you STAY playful, you can lose all that negative crap much more easily than you think.

Not to mention, when you finally get to a point where you want to share a serious talk (NOT TOO EARLY DAMMIT!) you make it all the more meaningful.

So what’s your job for this installment?  Get out that attraction journal and mark a page “Tests”  Write down every test you can think of – everything that’s happened to you or you can imagine happening.  They can be things women do to find out about your true character – to find out if you’re real or just an act – or they can simply be things that test your cool and control.

Then, under each entry, write down ways you can KEEP your cool.  Lines you can use.  Images you can call up to help you stay in the right frame of mind.  Triggers that bring out your relaxed happy self.

Leave plenty of space, because you’ll constantly find new tests (I still do), and you’ll also come up with better responses over time.  Plus, when you get a very confident sharp woman, these sorts of exchanges can go back and forth almost indefinitely – and you don’t want to be the one to break the chain.  When the sexual tension is being dialed so high, you need to have the confidence to keep bringing it FARTHER.

Trust me.  She’ll end up ripping your clothes off.  But you can’t change into a wimp in front of her eyes.  It’s like a beautiful woman smiling and revealing a mouth half full of black half rotten teeth.

MAJOR turn-off.

Learn to recognize these tests as opportunities – to pass, to get closer to your goal, and ALSO to TURN UP THE TENSION.  Get comfortable here.  It’s the best place to be.

And until it’s second nature, you’re going to want to keep PLENTY of notes in your journal about the journey.

Derek

What do you know now?

With what you’ve learned so far, you WILL be able to get numbers from women.  Lots of them.  Now I’m not saying you’ll get the info for every lady that turns your head – plenty of women will be unavailable for various reasons.  Some have boyfriends, some are taking a break, some are just in the wrong mood – whatever, it doesn’t matter.  You know enough to not let the unavailable women get you down, affect your confidence, or change your playfulness.  We’re not worried about them.

And now that you can get the numbers of TONS of women, my job is done, right?

Wrong.  This is just the FIRST STEP and you’ve got to remember that.  Just because you’ve got a woman interested – and even if you keep your relaxed confidence going – there are plenty of places to stumble.

Like what?  This may surprise you, but you SHOULDN’T take women on dates.  That might sound strange, so I’ll phrase it another way.

If you take a woman to dinner and a movie, you’re asking to be strung along like a knitting club’s quilt.  You set yourself up for all sorts of mistakes – which I’ll talk about in a second – and you’re just begging for uncomfortable silences and boring conversation.

Hey, you can make it work.  You just make yourself work a LOT harder.

So what should you do instead?  Well, best-case scenario you create an instant date.  You go from meeting to GOING somewhere, TOGETHER.  This can mean moving from the bookstore to a coffee shop, one club to another – or often, to begin, just LEADING a woman from one part of a bar to another.

That’s a POWERFUL move.  Say you want to tell her something (and have something to tell her).  Maybe it can be about something you want to show her at your house, like an album or a book (done subtly, this is a great way to lead to a house call).  Take her hand and LEAD her to a more secluded spot.

Don’t put your hands all over her – you look desperate and pervy.  But once you’ve led her somewhere, you’ve shifted the world a little bit – you are in it TOGETHER.  Maintain strong eye contact.  Speak in a quieter, confidential voice (the kind she wants to lean in to hear).

Set yourself up that way, and it should be much easier to get yourself moving to another spot right off the bat.  The important thing is that you concentrate not on getting a woman to bed, but on moving to the next step.

Once you’ve got a connection, the next step is changing settings so you reaffirm and strengthen that connection.

This is good in so many ways.  It gives you a chance to get to know the girl quickly – which is impressive when it happens quickly, plus it let’s you figure out if the lady is worth your time before you’ve invested much.

It feels natural – something even the best dates fail at.

It’s low-pressure fun – spontaneous, without expectations or commitments.

It’s just great.  Not to mention it allows YOU to set the pace you proceed at.

Don’t Push.

Now, this isn’t something you ALWAYS do.  If a girl is out with her friends you don’t want to impose – in fact, for that reason you should always set a time limit when you’ve started talking with a woman.  “I have to get back to my friends in a few minutes, but before that…” or “I have to leave soon, but first…”

If the lady you like seems ready to follow, then you can say “I’m going to xxx, it’s a good spot, you should come.  SOMEONE needs to teach you what this city has to offer.”  (By the way, this is a KILLER line if you’re not a local.)

Oftentimes the woman won’t be able to join you for whatever reason – could be she’s got plans already, maybe she doesn’t want her girlfriends gossiping, she might just be shy.  That’s ok.  You can still meet her – but here’s how you do it.

Don’t ask her to dinner.  If possible, don’t even ask her in advance.  A spontaneous meeting at a coffee shop or going shopping in an eclectic neighborhood with built-in conversation is great.

Your call should sound something like this: “What are you doing right now?  I’m about to hit Java Joe’s, you should come and entertain me.”  “I’m shopping for some clothes, and I’d like a woman’s opinion.  What are you doing now?”

Make sure you’re going somewhere fun.  The kind of place with strange knick-knacks all around so you’re conversation can naturally flow from your surroundings.  Why do extra work when you can let the atmosphere help you?

THIS is key, and I’ll talk about it again and again.  DON’T PAY.  Especially with a woman you’ve just met.  Paying says all the wrong things.

Women will read it different ways; here’s a few.

It says “I’m not interesting, so I’m bribing you to spend time with me.”

It says “I want to prove I’m good mate material by showing off my financial success.”

Or the corollary: “I’m insecure, so like a man with a small penis and a hot sports car, I’m trying to buy myself some confidence.”

Worse still: “I don’t really know you, but I think you’re hot so I’m going to try and buy my way into your jeans.”

Equally cringe-worthy: “I just paid for you.  Now, what are you going to do for ME?”

Oh, let’s not forget the classic: “I’m used to paying for women so they’ll keep me company.  Feel free to take advantage of that and bleed me for all I can handle, regardless of whether you like me or not.”

And of course, with a certain sensitive sect of ladies, you’re saying “I’m a sexist pig.  Now cook bitch.”

In fact, can you say anything good by paying?  Well, you could be saying “I’m a nice, generous man.”  Great.  We all know by now how sexy that is.

This is one of the biggest reasons to avoid the dinner date, at least to begin.  In addition to creating an awkward social setting with someone you barely know, you basically force all sorts of uncomfortable thoughts about the money involved.

Coffee?  Who cares about a coupla bucks?

Shopping?  You’re not going to buy her something, are you?  That smells of bribery worse than dinner, and you’ll just make her uneasy.

Avoid putting yourself in situations where the issue of payment comes up, and you’ll avoid this whole can of worms.

Now let’s work on those lines.

Seriously, WHAT you say isn’t half as important as HOW you say it.  Still, it can only help if you are PREPARED.

When you first start working on your flirting, unless you are Joe Cool, you are going to get NERVOUS.  That’s alright, it’s just a fact.

Even the best sometimes get nervous in front of a beautiful woman.

The difference between the best and the rest, though, is a man in control knows how to, you guessed it, CONTROL his nerves.

That takes practice, scores of rejections, hundreds of dates… and even then you’ll feel the nerves kick in now and again.

THAT’S why we are going to work on some lines.  It’s not the words that are key, it’s the CONFIDENCE that comes from knowing you have some good things to say.  Knowing that if you’re stuck, you’ve got an out.  If you’re nervous enough to froth a cappuccino with your touch, you’ve got a witty something that will escape your brain lock, get her laughing, and get you relaxed.

Plus, funny as you might become, not everyone can riff like Conan O’Brien.  And even HE has prepared material.

So, what sort of thing do you want to say to a woman?  What are the emotions that you want to get her feeling?

Think about it.  Write down your thoughts.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Done it?  NO?!!  Look, I know this stuff, this is for YOU, and you aren’t getting ANYWHERE without some effort.  Screw “I’ll do it in my head,” there is something much more permanent and lasting about a thought committed to paper.

And I’m not just talking about having it on paper.  When I was in school, I found that something I took notes on I remembered – without needing the notes afterwards – while things I planned to “just remember” always got forgotten.  That extra effort now makes a big difference later.

So if you’re serious about improving your game, then get a pencil, because you’ve got WORK to do here.  In fact, if you haven’t been keeping up, go back and write down all your other exercises as well.

Don’t worry.  The payoff is great.

Now, I’ll wait one more time, write down what you think a woman WANTS to feel, what feeling will create ATTRACTION in her.

If you’ve been readying carefully and you’re not a lazy sloth, you’ve probably written something about humor on your list.  Why?

Laughter feels GOOD.  It shoots seratonin all over your head.  It’s a complex reaction – as near as we can tell, only humans laugh – and it integrates many parts of the brain.  As has been noted, it also RELAXES people and allows them to relax their GUARD.

There is a reason laughter can be called DISARMING.  There’s a reason it’s often a reaction to an uncomfortable situation, and that we have dark or gallows humor.  Laughter is a RELEASE.

If you get a girl laughing, you make her feel better than she did a moment before.  Her world gets sunnier, her defenses descend a smidge (at a time), and she associates that good feeling with YOU.

That’s a powerful combo.

But it doesn’t end there.

I was always a funny guy, but before I figured things out I WASN’T good at attracting women with it.  Oh, women LIKED me, they just weren’t ATTRACTED to me.

My humor had two problems that we need to stay away from: one, I was sometimes TOO funny, too GOOFY, and that’s death.  Two, I used my humor in such a disarming way that all the tension in conversations was gone.  Everyone was happy, relaxed, and completely devoid of that magical TENSION that sexual emotions thrive on.

It was very frustrating.  I can feel a lot of nodding heads out there; you aren’t alone.

So I had to come up with a way to keep the tension IN, and USE THAT in my humor.

One day, after enough trial and error, I realized you need a little ARROGANCE in there.  If you have just the right amount of cockiness it changes your humor from DEFLATING a balloon of tension to something that PUMPS IT UP even more.

When the balloon is ready to explode, look out.  You’ve got a wild woman on your hands.

A GREAT way to let that arrogance come out is in the gentle mocking of whomever you’re talking to – or even anyone nearby, although ironically you are at greater risk of looking like a jerk by mocking people nearby than if you OPENLY TEASE the girl you’re talking to.

Also, you can’t be afraid to use SEXUAL humor.  Most guys are scared of it because, done wrong, you look sleazy – and most of us have made some errors of judgment in our drunker moments.

But done right, sexual humor increases sexual TENSION exponentially, and makes you look like a confident, experienced stud.  The biggest key is making it VERY funny and VERY natural.  We’re not looking for crude, we’re looking for sophistication.

Ok, enough theory, how about an example.

Say you’re at a bar, and a woman walks in wearing a dress that’s only over one shoulder, flowing, it almost looks like a toga.

Maybe you say “All you need now is a blindfold and a scale, and you could get away with that dress.”  She’ll be surprised, maybe even shocked – most men don’t talk that way to her, bonus for you, you’re separated from the pack already – but if she’s got any humor in her, she’ll dissolve into a smile or laughter.

As the banter continues and if you’re both still playing with your opener, you might follow up with “Wow, I barely know you, and already you’re bringing blindfolds into the relationship?  You are a kinky one.  I’m sorry, this just isn’t working out, you move too fast for me.  After all, I’m more than just a sex toy.  I need someone who loves me for me, not just my astounding physique.” (This is even better when you obviously DON’T have an astounding physique.)

At this point, she’ll be enjoying herself, you’ll be making her laugh, you’ll stand out from the crowd, and you’ll be building the sexual tension to an incredible degree.

Or say you see a knockout, you’re talking for a bit, you get her smiling, and then you ask “So what’s it like?”

Her: What’s what like?

You: Well, being a beautiful women, you must be able to get all the guys to do whatever you want.  What’s that like?

You: (after a shocked pause or a knowing smile from her, depending on the girl) And what’s it like being with me, knowing that won’t work?

I’ve personally used that one to great affect – it becomes a funny topic for the rest of the evening.  Sometimes I send the woman out on missions to get other guys to buy drinks to give to me!  It blows my mind that these guys can see this all happening and they’ll still buy the drinks, thinking somehow that’s impressive.

It’s not.  Confidence is impressive.  As is wit.

Later in the night she might be beaming at you after you’ve said something arrogant and funny, and you deadpan with a serious face “You love me.”  Or “I hate you.”  Or “You’re not one of those stalker ex-girlfriends, are you?”

Are you feelin’ this?  Good.

Get that pen out.  It’s sweatin’ time.

I want you to go back to the locations you have in your journal, and the playful comments you’ve come up for each.

Now, brainstorm ways to add a touch of arrogance to some comments.  Try to come up with five for each locale.  Play with them.  Take them out for test drives.  Get the delivery right – say these sort of things incorrectly and you could sound like a prick.  Say them right, and you sound like a stud.

Get a stable of remarks that you feel comfortable with, and that you know will get a good response most of the time.  Perfect them.  Make sure you refine your list with responses to comebacks that sharp women will throw at you.

When you’re comfortable with them and can use them to good affect, add more.  Your list should keep growing, until one day you outgrow it.  With enough practice, you won’t need to think of witty things to say, you will simply BE a wittier person.

REMEMBER though, it isn’t the words as much as the delivery.  The right words can help your delivery, and having a ready list can help your confidence.  But it’s HOW you say it that matters.

One of my favorite ex-girlfriends I met at a party without ANY words – we had a cocky and funny drama using nothing but facial expressions while I waited to use the bathroom across the room.  She couldn’t wait to give me her info.

It’s HOW you say it.  Sorry to repeat myself, but that is really the key to it all.

HOW.  Ok I’m done.

Derek

Ok, enough working on yourself, let’s get down to some serious field work.

Picture this: you are out, say at a grocery store, and a beautiful woman walks down your aisle.  I mean a stunner.  The kind of woman who inspires sonnets and starts wars.

And she doesn’t notice you.  She’s just shopping.

You stand there, stunned, scanning your mind for some way to talk to her.  You run through all the ways it won’t work, how she’ll think you’re a jerk unless you can say just the perfect thing, but you CAN’T THINK because you’re so scared of SCREWING IT UP.  You want to do something but you’re FROZEN.

And then she’s gone.  All you got was a clean-up call on aisle 3 so no one slips in your drool.

Sound familiar?  It should.  It’s happened to EVERYONE at one time or another.  Even to me (I appreciate the gasps of shock).

The fact that it’s happened shouldn’t embarrass you.  But if you keep LETTING it happen, day after day, then you need to do something different.  Because that ain’t gonna cut it.

Listen, those ladies have very active social lives.  And guess what?  They met everyone – including their various boyfriends – as a stranger.  Ok, sure, your buddy Lucky is dating a 10 that his sister introduced him to.  Goody for him.

You can’t count on that.  Women that are sought-after don’t fall into your lap.  If you don’t get proactive, you have ZERO chance of ever being with someone like that.  And if you’ve got an ADVANCED case of wussy-boy lockjaw, you won’t be able to meet ANYONE worth meeting regularly.

You’ll have to get used to your only best friend, your hand.

Let me tell you something interesting; most women are approached by men all the time, but many of the MOST beautiful women are LEFT ALONE.  That’s right, guys are so intimidated by them they class themselves out the competition before it even begins.  The 10s in the world are sometimes the loneliest ladies on the planet.  They are dying for someone to say something interesting to them.

And you’re going to deny them?  Because you’re scared of negative scenarios you thought up that are A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE than any real encounter between real people?  How selfish.

The truth is most women will NOT think you are a jerk just for talking to them.  They might not be available to talk – maybe they are in a hurry, maybe they have a jealous boyfriend, maybe their dog just died – but a woman will NOT be offended just because you want to talk.

Oh, she’ll know you are trying to pick her up.  She’ll assume that just by EYE CONTACT when you notice her, or the way you lean in near her, or the way you are suddenly fascinated by the can of peas near where she’s standing.

You don’t have to approach her for her to assume you’re interested, you just have to notice her.

So, the gig is up, your cover is blown by virtue of the fact that you’re a man.  If you keep your mouth shut, all you’re doing is telling her you’re a weak wussy-man with balls of jello that Hanz and Franz would like to pummel until you piss jello ball juice the rest of your life.

Though not in so many words.

So what’s a jello ball man to do to get balls that shoot lightening whenever they clank and rub their brass bravery together?

For starters – as we’ve said before – you can stop worrying about all the bad things that you think will happen.  They won’t.  You have to basically TRY if you’re going to get slapped, and she’s not going to call you out in front of your friends.

About the WORST thing that can happen is she won’t be interested in talking and will give you a chill reception.

And that’s about TEN times less likely than you getting some sort of positive response.  Even if she can’t talk or isn’t available for whatever reason, she’ll probably act sweet or appreciative anyway.

After all, you just paid her the compliment of ATTENTION.  And almost everyone loves that.

If, on the other hand, she IS available, and you manage to avoid saying something insulting (trust me, it’s not hard to avoid), you are VERY likely to get a positive response.

If you say something INTERESTING, if you are WITTY and CHARMING and FUNNY, then you are almost GUARANTEED to get her info.

But on the first approach, that isn’t even necessary.  Just avoid saying something like how you want to suck all the milk out of her, and you’ll do fine.

I know a guy who goes up to women all the time and delivers some variant of “Hi, I’m practicing talking to attractive women without being nervous, so thank you for letting me say hi.”  Usually that piques their interest.  He gets the numbers of about half of them.

Sounds unbelievable, doesn’t it?  All this time you thought there was a magic key, but the truth is you can say almost anything to start a conversation!  More important is HOW you say it, WITHOUT NERVES.

So now we come to homework time.  Think about situations where you tend to see attractive women.  Now think of various things you can say to start a conversation.  Funny is best, and if you can mix some cocky in there, you should be golden.

For instance, back in the grocery store, you can make some comment about the products on the shelves.  If you can get a laugh or a smile out of her, introduce yourself immediately after, ask her for number after about two or three minutes of conversation, and walk away.

It’s that easy.

If you can’t think of anything funny, you can always ask for advice.  Especially if you need a WOMAN’S advice.

For example, say you’re in a clothing store and a lovely lady walks by.  You can say something like ‘Excuse me, but I’m thinking of buying a shirt to go out in this weekend, and I want to look GOOD.  Which do you like?”  A couple minutes of conversation, get her info, and you’re set.

It’s that easy.

In fact, it’s much easier than you’d believe.  Women will give out their info A LOT more easily than you’d imagine.  This is true in basically any situation, save funerals, unless you religiously believe in The Wedding Crashers.

Really, the only thing you need to do is get your confidence up and just TALK TO HER.  So this week, go out and talk to 10 girls.  Once you’ve started you’ll see how easy it can be and want to talk to more, but consider your first 10 practice, just to get yourself conversing with them in a normal way. 

The more relaxed you are the better, so the more women you approach the better you’ll become (surprising, isn’t it).  Have a list of funny openers for different situations to get yourself started, but chances are you’ll grow out of that in not too much time.

Even if you don’t, you should still be fine.

Of course, getting email and numbers is only the FIRST STEP, and doesn’t guarantee you’ll get where you want to go.  One thing that really isn’t that important, though, is the lines you use.

Derek

We’ve mentioned this a lot, but now the hammer drops.  You CAN’T BE BORING!  There is no greater sin when you’re trying to attract women.

In fact, this is the number one cause of nice guy frienditis.  It’s not that women don’t like nice guys – oftentimes those let’s-just-be-friends have some sincerity in them – it’s that nice guys aren’t exciting.  They’re predictable.

And let’s face it – almost everyone will pick exciting over pleasant every time.  Guys too.  How many sites are set up devoted to the hotness of Laura Croft?  How many are set up exalting the attributes of Jane Austen heroines?  Have you ever even had the patience to finish a Jane Austen novel?

I rest my case.

Nice guys often wind up in this atrocious position where they do everything “right” and his object of affection WANTS to like him… but there just is no spark.  She wishes like hell she could dig such a sweet man who would treat her as well as anyone… but she just can’t.  Her head is all into you, but her heart is somewhere else.

Her heart is seeking adventure.  Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to go cliff diving or bungee jumping on a first date (at least not with all women), but it DOES mean you can’t be predictable.  You can’t bland and inoffensive – because that path is so obvious she’ll know what you’ll say and do five minutes before you do it.

How long can you watch a painfully formulaic movie before getting annoyed – especially if there aren’t any explosions?

Exactly.

Now, jerks aren’t pleasant people.  This isn’t a positive – in fact, it’s the reason they rarely find themselves in long-term or stable relationships, you can only put up with that shit for so long – but what jerks ARE is unpredictable.  There are only a few “right” things you can do in any situation; the “wrong” things you can do are basically infinite.

That makes time spent with jerks interesting and exciting – you never know what will happen next.  Because the situations usually turn ugly, you don’t stick with a guy like that for too long – but women end up with a major dilemma, because the excitement is like an addictive drug.  When it comes to body chemistry, this is LITERALLY true.

Women who find themselves EXTREMELY addicted to this drug are the ones who might wind up in an abusive relationship.  They know they shouldn’t be there – but they need that chemical fix.

I don’t know about you, but my aim in life has never been to be an abusive asshole.  Even as a young kid I recognized that pricks got more women than they should, and that I would probably increase my success by following that pattern – but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Deep down, most of us ARE nice guys.

What to do?

How about isolate the attraction jerks provoke, without all the other bullshit?

This is where you relaxed playfulness comes in – if you are playing in a fun way, you aren’t being predictable.  You aren’t saying what everyone expects – saying what ISN’T expected is one of the major keys to humor.

By extension, if you’ve got a girl laughing, chances are she didn’t expect what just happened.  You give her that excitement while SIMULTANEOUSLY creating a pleasant atmosphere.  That’s a rare combo.  A double-combo knockout punch, if you will. (Note: don’t punch her – unless you’ve got a safe word set up beforehand.  Note for idiots: don’t take S/M jokes literally.)

That said, the lady is going to test your character.  Lots of times, this will come in the form of demands and requests – both direct and indirect.  You want to keep the pleasantness, but you don’t want to give up any machismo or become predictable by instantly caving into her wishes.  What to do?

DELAY. 

This is another key word.  It applies to all sorts of aspects of dating, but for now we’re going to focus on spontaneity.  Write it down somewhere in your journal.

Then write it down on 10 more pages, at the top, in bold letters.  Go ahead and get creative.  DELAY.

What do I mean by delay?  Let’s say you’re going to dinner, and your lady mentions how much she loves sushi.  Don’t say anything, and DON’T go there that night.

But go three weeks later.  It shows thoughtfulness – and that you were listening – without any of the wimpy characteristics usually associated with such displays.  Plus, she knows not to expect where the night will lead, and not to try and guide it.

She talks about how she loves the beach.  Wonderful – take her there when she least expects it, like a Friday night after her work ends and spend a moonlit evening enjoying the waves before swimming the next day.

You get the idea.  Pay attention to what she likes, but file it away.  Don’t immediately try and fulfill her desires – it gets to be like the Twilight Zone about the gambler who never loses and realizes he’s in hell.  But go ahead and fulfill them on YOUR schedule, at unexpected moments.

This is one of the easiest lessons to learn, but also one of the easiest to let slip when crunch time comes.  A little whining and most men lose their heads and do whatever is asked of them.

Better is to make it clear that you don’t have time for whining – nicely but firmly – and over time let the lady learn she will get what she wants – when YOU want to give it to her.

By the way, all of this, it counts about a thousand fold when it comes to sex.  Few things are sexier than a man who doesn’t lose it at the sight of an exposed breast.  If you can control yourself and DELAY satisfaction until you’re ready to give it over, the ANTICIPATION becomes more powerful than ACT ALONE usually is – making the act all the more powerful when it comes.

Yes, I’m still talking about sex.  But I’m talking about all the rest of it too.  DELAY.  Really.  Trust me.  DELAY.

Derek

Alright, so now you are mad confident, you walk the walk, you talk the talk (a bit), and you are ready to be a lady killer, right?

Not so fast, bud.

Confidence will get you far – farther than anything else I’m going to teach you – but if you want to REALLY make it work, you need to refine it.

Think of hunting.  Going out exuding confidence is like spraying the field with buck shot.  Sure, you’ll hit a lot of targets – it sure beats a slingshot – and you might even bring some down, but it’s not the most effective method.

You want a sniper rifle.  You want to focus your efforts to a high degree, and take careful aim.

You want to focus your confidence to make it more powerful.

What do I mean?  I don’t mean you want to focus yourself on one woman – early on, that’s extremely counter-productive – but I mean you should present your confidence in the most attractive, powerful way there is.

Playful.

You don’t only want a woman’s respect, you want her having fun.

You don’t only want admiration, you want magnetism.

You shouldn’t stop at being a powerful figure, you need to be an ATTRACTIVE one.

And being playful does all this.

Remember when we talked about how you CAN’T be boring?  How you need to create a relaxed fun atmosphere that fosters trust and intimacy?

That’s what we’re talking about now.  If you can get a woman laughing while she’s relaxed and comfortable with you – AND admiring your manly confidence – then you create that magical formula.  You trigger her ATTRACTION and make an atmosphere where she’s willing to act on it.

Ok, let’s get to the good stuff.  How do you create this great atmosphere?

This may be surprisingly easy.  In fact, you probably do this all the time.

Think about it: how often do you rag on your friends?  How often do you press their buttons, or just share laughs about funny or strange stuff?

Uh huh, I thought so.  All the freaking time.

Well, that’s all you’ve gotta do.  Most guys, when they find an attractive woman, they turn into vanilla inoffensive blah men who just hope they won’t say the wrong thing.

Guess what?  THAT is exactly the wrong thing.  You may think you’re being nice, but women will sniff your abnormal behavior a mile away.  To them, it FEELS like a lie.  It feels like you’re just interested in getting in her pants.  You’ve started to chase her – so you shouldn’t be surprised when she starts to run away.

Treat her like one of the fellas, and you’ll avoid that whole creepy pick-up feel.  You won’t activate her defenses, and you’ll foster comfort.

From there, you need to be fun.

TEASE. 

This is HUGE.  It shows you aren’t intimidated by her, and it keeps your conversation light and playful.  You might even get her taking the half-truth theory of comedy to heart, and trying to impress you.

Don’t show her too much attention, either.  If you’re in a group, feel free to ignore her now and again.  She might try to spark your attention by flirting with other guys.

LET her.  You KNOW that it’s you she’s after, and she’s just trying to get a rise out of you.  Don’t give it to her.  In fact, tease her about THAT.  “Wow, you’re so in love and intimidated by me, the only way you can communicate is by trying to make me jealous?  You know, that would work… if I was in middle school.”

Have FUN with it.  In fact, that’s what makes this so easy – you will know immediately whether you’re on the right track or not by how much fun YOU are having.  If you’re feeling stress, it’s not working.  If you’re having a laugh, things are good.

It takes a little time to make this work – most men feel nervous when talking to an attractive woman.  Practice relaxing.  Create an anchor.

An anchor?  When you are doing your relaxation exercises clearing your mind, do something with your body, a trigger.  Click your tongue, or run it over your teeth.  Wiggle your pinky three times.  Whatever, just link it to that relaxed feeling.

Right before you approach a woman close your eyes and make the same motion.  Trigger that relaxation in yourself like a Pavlovian dog salivating  at a bell.  It’s incredibly silly and works incredibly well.

Then, just let yourself have fun.

If you don’t think of yourself as a naturally funny person, believe it or not, you can learn humor.  The biggest thing is pointing out absurdities.  Teasing.  TEASING.  Don’t be mean, but don’t be shy either.  If she asks you to do something, say to her friends (PLAYFULLY) “Is she always this pushy?  Man, how do you put up with her?”  If her dancing is atrocious, say (SARCASTICALLY) “I see we have a new Lord of the Dance!”  When she asks for your number, say “Boy, you work fast.  I barely know you!  Let me guess, you’re just looking for fresh body to stalk and it doesn’t even matter who I am.  Well, I am more than just a body!  I am a complex combination of experiences, emotions, and thoughts…here, don’t call before 6 pm, I need my beauty sleep.”

That’s not so hard, is it?  Ok, time to get to work.  Think of all the situations where you might meet women, and make a page in your journal for each.  What do you find there?  Crazy clothes and dancing for clubs, food and money for supermarkets, art for museums… you get the idea.

Next, come up with funny remarks for each subject. (Those times you thought of the perfect thing to say after the fact?  It works better before.)  Try them out.  Refine and perfect them.  Make notes of anything you come up with on the fly, or things you hear others say that work.

Make a special section just for teasing women.  You might make some mistakes and go too deep too fast from time to time, turning a woman off (although you can recover from this if you keep your head and follow up with something funny).  Make plenty of notes about what works, and what sort of things can get you out of a hole.

We’ll go more in depth with the topic of conversation later, but for now it’s enough that you indoctrinate yourself into the playful attitude.  Fool around with it, and make sure you keep it as play.  If you’re sweating over this, take a break and work on other areas.  You need to be relaxed for this to work (or else you run the risk of coming off as a colossal prick), and if you aren’t, then come back to it later when you are more comfortable.

Combined with confidence, a relaxed playfulness is the best attitude you can have, and creates the best atmosphere possible.  Bringing us to our next chapter, all you really need to add now is spontaneity…

Derek

I want you to think for a moment, what turns you on? What makes you horny? What makes you randy baby, yeah!

Chances are, you’re thinking to yourself something like “I’m a legs man” or “I like blondes” or something else you wouldn’t want your momma to read.

That’s alright. Men are DOGS, of course you’d think something like that.

Nah, I’m kidding, it’s not that men are dogs, it’s that men are VISUAL. For most men, it is what we SEE that initially triggers attraction. It’s not the be-all and end-all, but it dominates our first impressions.

Duh, you say? Obvious, you say? Well smart guy, how often do you think about what turns a woman on? You may be fooled by listening to ladies occasionally hooting cute butts or swooning at Antonio Banderas. Don’t be.

You’ve probably heard the phrase “It ain’t the size of the wave, it’s the motion of the ocean.” Well, it ain’t the shape of the gut, it’s the way you strut. Women are MUCH more in tune to body language and non-verbal communications, and that’s where their buttons are pushed.

Sure, a handsome man with a good body is ATTRACTIVE to women, but he won’t necessarily CREATE ATTRACTION.

Attraction is created by style and attitude, by CHARISMA, what women often call CHARM. If you don’t look like Brad Pitt, this is good news, because it can be learned.

And just as BODY LANGUAGE trumps BODY SHAPE in attracting women, your VOICE will trump your WORDS.

Lots of guys, when they are trying to learn how to be more successful with women, turn to pick-up lines. Men seem to think the RIGHT WORDS will move a girl’s heart.

Maybe it’s because we’ve seen guys get a girl by talking to her. Maybe she changed her attitude after he spoke to her.

Maybe we just can’t get the difference between the JOKES we tell and WHAT REALLY WORKS.

If at some point you’ve thought that pick-up lines were the key to breaking the ice with a woman, you may be forgiven. You should give yourself a number of numbing slaps to the face, but then forgive yourself and let’s talk about what DOES work.

It doesn’t really matter what words you use – you could have the best pick-up line in the world and, with poor delivery, it will fail.

But if you deliver your words well, it doesn’t really matter WHAT you say. “Hello” can be the sexiest word in the language.

No, really, trust me.

Controlling your voice the right way will have a positive affect on MANY aspects of your life, but right now, we care about how it affects women.

There are three keys to speaking in a commanding, confident way that women find sexy and attractive.

The easiest one is volume. Speak LOUDLY.

That doesn’t mean you should YELL at a woman. Your volume has to come naturally, from the chest. If you sound strained when you speak you sound, well, STRAINED.

I know, I know, you can thank me later.

Your volume should be the sort of thing that fills a room with your confidence. When you speak quietly, it communicates that you DON’T BELIEVE what you say has WORTH. You’re telling women (and anyone else in your teeny hearing radius) that you’re a WUSS.

That’s the last thing you want someone thinking. Especially an attractive woman. In an instant you’ll splash into the NEXT category, and you probably aren’t getting out. Once a woman passes, the best thing you can do is move on.

So, don’t YELL, don’t WHISPER, just speak from your chest in a voice loud enough everyone can hear.

That brings us to the next point; you need to speak clearly.

Resonate. Sound picky?

Listen.

Think of the dorkiest possible person you can. Pocket protector, coke bottle glasses, nose turned up, OBNOXIOUS laugh… what does that person sound like?

Ok, yes, Erkel. What’s Erkel sound like?

Yeah, he speaks through his NOSE. Unless you are British royalty, you aren’t getting away with a NASAL voice. It just… well, if you want a little peace and quiet, talk like this and people will run from you like from fingernails on a chalkboard.

Speaking of which, avoid squeaking too. High voices… they aren’t manly. What, you want her to think your testicles haven’t dropped?

There’s a reason Barry White is the sexiest singer out there, and it isn’t his body. The man can TALK! He can sing too, but it’s that deep resonant voice which gets everything going.

The key, again, is to speak from the chest. You want to feel vibrations in your torso, not your nose.

Finally, you want to slow… your… speech… doooowwwwnn.

When-you-are-nervous-or-scared-of-losing-attention-you-speak

(breath)fast.

You-sound-on-edge-and-unstable-and-READY-TO-LOSE-IT.

Especially if you’re speaking loudly. Think Regis. Not sexy.

But… if you take.. yooouuur time… breeeaath deeeeeeply… speak from fuuuuuull luuuuungs… you sound… confident. Even… hypnotic.

Ok, it’s freaking annoying to read. But try reading it out loud. Take your time. No rush. You’ve got ALL the time in the WORLD.

You sound like a man in control of himself. Hell, you BECOME a man in control of himself. The more carefully you consider your words… and slow down your cadence… the more sure of yourself you will ACTUALLY become.

If only because you’re LISTENING to YOURSELF for once. It’s worth it.

Alright, you’ve got this negative nag in the back of your head. I know you do. It’s saying something like “My voice is my voice. Barry White is sexy, great, but I can’t do that.”

It’s fine. We all have the nag sometimes.

Now is the time when you go Fight Club on his ass and shoot your nag in the head.

Yes, your voice is your voice. And your bicep is your bicep.

Just as you can change your bicep with exercise, you can do the same with your voice.

The biggest key is PAYING ATTENTION to what you’re doing, and WHAT YOU WANT to be doing. Get a recorder. Listen to your voice (and don’t worry, we all hate our own voices).

Then remember how you want to sound, think about what you want to CHANGE. Work on it.

The simple act of PAYING ATTENTION will slow your speaking down, which is great. You’ll sound more deliberate and in-control just by listening to yourself.

Watching your BREATHING is another great key. Not only will you be one step closer to Buddhahood, you also will avoid RUSHED or WINDED deliveries. Breath deeply and you’ll CALM yourself – and you’ll KNOW you’re calm.

That calm will quickly translate into COOL – someone in control of situations, a leader. An alpha.

The guy girls want to be with.

Do those two simple things – PAY ATTENTION and BREATH – and you’ll improve exponentially.

Derek

What do you say when you don’t say anything?

Everything.

We dance around this topic all the time, but it’s ready for the spotlight: body language.  This is the most important thing not just when dealing with women, but with communication period.

Nothing else even comes close.

Wonder why that thick-as-a-post jock got all the women when charming funny nervous sitcom-character-in-waiting guy got nothing in high school?

Body language.

Why James Bond got his pick of the litter and the brilliant Q got more quality time with gadgets?

Body language.

Why that homely busboy at the corner Italian restaurant takes home all the gorgeous patrons and the handsome maitre-de takes home doggy bags?

Garlic.  The busboy stank of it and THAT is a huge turn-on.

Just seeing if you were paying attention.

All those other things you THOUGHT did the trick were just extra fuel for the fodder.  Body language is the key to EVERYTHING.

Why?  Because it is the symptom that tells you everything you need to know about the INSIDE of a person.

It clues you in to the person’s confidence, their openness, even their sexual skills.  And if you send out the wrong signals – which most people do – then you’ve given yourself a SERIOUS hole to dig out from.

Conversely, if your movements say the right things, you are on top of a BIG mountain that you’d have to work to screw up.

The unfortunate thing is you have a CHOICE about what you say, and most don’t realize it.  Or they choose to ignore it and remain “themselves,” as if we are static representations of an image that never changes.

WRONG.  WRONG WRONG WRONG!  If there was a hand near me, I’d slap it.  Good thing I type with my feet.

People are dynamic, and ever-changing.  In fact, we are NEVER the same as we were in the past.  Those changes show up in our body language, but that doesn’t mean we should abandon control.

If so, we wouldn’t bother with school, riding a bike, and everyone would still be a virgin.  After all, we were all virgins once, weren’t we?

Look, there’s a difference between being UNAWARE of something, and being INDIFFERENT.  Unaware just means we don’t know what we’re doing with ourselves.  Ignorance may be bliss, but it’s not helpful.

Indifference is when you know what’s going on, but you choose to ignore it.  WRONG!  Where’s that hand!

You can’t be passive all your life and expect things to come to you.  The world doesn’t work that way (my apologies to all silver-spooners I’ve offended with this blanket statement that merely applies to 100% of all living things, rounded to the closest .00000001).

You need to be ACTIVE.  You need to TAKE CHARGE of your life, and that means taking an ACTIVE role in the changes that happen to you.

They’re coming either way.  Personally, I’d rather have a vote.

So no whining about the walk you’ve developed and how that represents YOU as you are now.  If that walk doesn’t work, kill it.  Time to get a new one.

And there’s a bonus beyond the initial differences that changing your body language communicates to the outside world.

It also can change your inner one.  That’s right, we’re going to attack confidence both ways, coming and going.

Seriously, this works.  The Japanese have long held the belief that a cluttered home leads to a cluttered mind, and a clean one, a clear one.  The outer world touches our inner one, and when you change the way you move, you also change the way you think.

Don’t believe me?  Try it.  Pick a wall and stand up straight against it.  Your feet, butt, shoulders, and head should all touch the wall, exerting about the same amount of pressure (no smooshing).  Now walk away from the wall, but hold the pose for 5 minutes.

How do you feel?  Right, like someone stuck a pole up your ass.  Just what we were going for.

It’s going to feel weird for awhile, because it’s different and new.  Keep going, though, and eventually it won’t feel weird.  In fact, it’ll start to feel GOOD.  You’ll find yourself with this new CONFIDENCE that wasn’t there before and doesn’t seem to have much of an explanation.  It’s not your inner exercises – you’ll get to know that feeling.  It’s… nothing.

Except that you are standing like you are confident.  Cause and affect get blurred, and you wind up FEELING a certain way just because you are ACTING that way.

Either way, you look better standing straight, and you project confidence to all comers.  Women find you more attractive, even if they aren’t self-aware enough to know why.  Co-workers and those around you often might comment that you seem… DIFFERENT.

Congratulations young Jedi, you’re on your way.

Standing up straight is about as basic as it comes, but non-verbal communication goes much deeper.

When you walk and lead with your head, not only are you hunching and sending out uncomfortable self-conscious shrinking vibes, but you’re also telling people that you tend to THINK a lot.  Maybe more than you should.

Lead with your stomach, it speaks to your appetites and emotions.

Lead with your pelvis, and it says you are sexually experienced and confident.

This might sound like a lot of crap, but try it.  Walk around for awhile leading with different parts of your body, and notice the changes that happen in your head.  It’s real, VERY real.  And there’s no reason bad chairs in abandoned classrooms should have more of a say about how you feel than you do.

Those nervous tics, those fidgety hands?  Lose ‘em.  Every button you finger while talking to someone – especially an attractive woman who’s trying to make a snap judgment about you – is a negative.  Every fast sudden motion says you have low self-esteem – it’s like you have to get it done before some stronger guy comes along to stop you.

It’s like the beta wolves trying to feed before the alpha wakes up and wants more – complete with herky-jerky looks to check for his approach.  This instinct runs deep.

When you make eye-contact and drop it first.  Oh god no.  In our part of the animal kingdom, this is strong supplicating behavior.  There are monkeys which tear the arms off other animals – including humans – if they don’t drop gaze first.

So if you are looking at a woman and look away before she does?  You’ve just said she’s in control, and her chances of becoming attracted to you pretty much disappear.

That’s not to say you stare from a far distance.  That’s stalker behavior – when far enough away betas get bolder – and she’ll think you a freak.  This is about close quarters, the moment before a conversation starts.

Crossing your arms?  Stop that.  You’re telling everyone to stay away, so don’t be surprised when they do.

Leaning in to your target?  Why not just say “I want to have sex with you.”  That’s exactly what you’re doing, and most guys do it so early that it’s a major turn-off (unlike once she’s primed, in which case it can start speeding things up).

Standing in her personal space (which for most people is about 18 inches to 3 feet away)?  You’re triggering her to run away, which is NOT a feeling you want linked with you.  Standing right on the border of her personal space?  This can be golden if you do it right, creating a certain tension in her mind although she probably won’t know what from.  Much like really needing to piss can lead to a boner, this tension can become sexual.

Standing well outside her personal space and not directing your body at her, remaining somewhat detached?  Now that’s good – she’s gonna want to know why she doesn’t have your attention, and might start working to get YOUR approval.  Don’tcha love that?

There are thousands of little cues we give off to each other, and the BEST way to learn them is to see them in action.  Go out and find some guys doing well with the ladies.  Watch them, see what they’re doing with their bodies, and what responses they are getting.  If you think you’ve identified a non-verbal communication that signals confidence or sexual prowess or just general alpha-ness, go practice it.  Try it out.  Odds are you won’t get it the first time, but don’t let that discourage you.  There is no better way.

Derek

In Junior High, I knocked over a metal bar that guided the cafeteria line.  As the divider clanged and echoed throughout the large room, a silence descended, waiting to see whether fight or flight was in order with such a large noise.

Neither was; once everyone realized what had happened, laughter came.  Looking back, I now know that much of the laughter was just a release of momentary unwarranted panic – not all of it was REALLY about me.

But it sure felt that way.  Everyone – EVERYONE – was looking at me cackling.  Some were pointing.  A few goofs were doing impressions in the back.

And, worst of all, one of the closest tables was full of cute girls from my class.  Including the one I really liked.  Being closer to the explosive aural pierce, they were amongst the heartiest laughers.  The girl I liked was elbowing her friends and whispering while staring and snickering at me.

I ran out of there, devastated in the way Junior High Schoolers all are at one point or another.

For days, whenever I saw my crush in the hall or in class, my face reddened remembering the cafeteria.  I grew scared of her presence.  I avoided her, as well as all her cute friends.

Time went on, and I found myself having that scared embarrassed feeling triggered by any of the cute girls who saw me.  Soon it was all cute girls.  And soon I was a wreck around anyone I found attractive.

We all have different triggers, but an early experience of embarrassment plants a STRONG seed.  That’s why naturals usually start out with success – they never had to deal with a bad seed startup.

Most of us do.  And you know what?  It’s the greatest cause for a man failing with a woman.

You always hear about how confidence is important, and it’s true.  Expectations are an important factor in creating our reality, whether it’s because you preach what you practice in your head, or it’s because you willingly accept what you expect while you discount actions outside your vision of reality.

So confidence creates the right atmosphere for you to succeed.  What’s more, instead of being a mere cog in the humdrum, confidence can inspire you to stand out, to break from the crowd, and – actually – to be more of who you really are (since you aren’t scared of personal flaws).

On the other hand, negative thoughts ruin you.  Subconsciously or not, by believing in negativity you court it, you nurture it, you encourage situations that COULD play out poorly to, and in fact, do so.

Nowhere is this more clear than with women.

You know something interesting I’ve found?  When dealing with women, a situation with a high potential to go wrong – say she insults you, blows you off – actually leads to success MORE than a comfortable yet bland encounter does.

Why?  If you have the CONFIDENCE to believe that things will turn out right, you don’t get nervous.  You don’t get knocked off your game.  You instead come right back at her in a cool witty way, and that confidence SHINES.

You look like a leader.  A man who isn’t scared of the world and who’s comfortable in it.

You look damn sexy.

Confidence is not something you’re born with, it’s a habit, as is negative thought.

And I can help you switch from one to the other.

First, I want you to catch your negative thinking as it happens.  Picture yourself an observer of your mind.  Any time you say something mean to yourself (and most people do this fairly regularly), stop yourself.  Ask yourself why.

Don’t rationalize away your flaws – sometimes you’ll have done something wrong.  But instead of beating yourself up, look at it as a learning experience.  Instead of thinking of yourself as some broken human, see yourself as a work in progress.  We all are.  We all err.

The only thing to do about it is improve next time.  Repeating how much you suck only hurts the situation.

Not to mention, it makes for boring conversation at parties.

If you catch yourself, STOP YOURSELF.  If a girl rejects you, don’t think about all the things you can’t change and worry about that zit.

That doesn’t matter.

What matters is what you CAN change – and odds are, the zit has nothing on your behavior when it comes to women.

Don’t slap your bald spot – analyze your conversation and try to pinpoint where you lost her.

Take note of it in your attraction journal, the last page.  Title that page “The Banishment Index” and create a nearby page you title “Fixin’ To Be Me.”  After you’ve written down what went wrong in Banishment, go to Fixin’ and write down how it can go right.  Leave space between entries for refinements as you test out your new thoughts, new lines, new theories.

Even if you aren’t getting the responses you want from your fixes, be cool with that.  After all, you’re on the right track.  You’re being proactive.

Now, we don’t just want to get rid of negative feelings, we want to foster positive ones.

So I’ve got an exercise for you.  It may sound strange, but this is what professional athletes do to compete, so trust me, it’s very real.

First, create a calm and relaxed atmosphere, free of emotion.  Set yourself aside from the world, and set aside a slot of time for this.  You don’t want to be worrying about the dog’s walk.

Lots of people do this through simple breathing meditation – that is, watch your breathing.  Just observe it going in and out of your body, how that feels.  Count your breaths – from 1 to 10 and back again – until your mind is clear.

If you want, you can lie down and imagine your breath entering your entire body, blowing it up like a balloon, and every time you exhale, another body part relaxes: first your left foot, than your right, next your left lower leg and so on until your body is completely relaxed and free of tension.

Now, picture yourself in a situation with a girl.  You should have thought about what it is before, but picture the conversation.  Imagine it going extremely well.  Imagine yourself getting the girl – however you’d most like to get her, do it.

Repeat.

This is how Greg Maddux and Randy Johnson pitch batters.  This is how Barry Bonds hits home runs – the non-steroid ones, at least.  You have to imagine yourself succeeding so you know what to do when you’re on the path.

Do this a lot.  Do this with all different sorts of scenarios.  If you’re having trouble letting go of negative situations in the past, imagine them turning out a completely different and positive way.  Whenever the situation crops up, remember that you can and would handle it differently now.

If I knocked over the divider now, I’d do a small stand-up around it, sit down with the cute girls, and say “Congratulations ladies – you’re with the star.”

Don’t kid yourself – I didn’t do that; but I would now.

Really, the only thing standing between you and the hottest women in the world is your belief.  If you don’t think you can get her, she’ll sense that and you won’t.

If you believe that you can – and indeed, you WILL, and she’ll be the lucky one – well, you won’t get them all, but you’d be surprised how often that simple switch works by itself.

It’ll take time before you can get yourself consistently confident – once you’ve broken through one barrier, you’ll probably stumble on the next.  But you’ll be making constant PROGRESS, your confidence will continue to rise, until NO barrier seems insurmountable.

And none of them are.  For anyone.  Do I need to list the loser-like guys I know who are anything but losers with the ladies again?

Don’t make me do it. 

Create your own movie, with you as the star, and watch as people treat you that way.  You’ll establish mad social value as you cruise a room handling every situation deftly – and women will sniff that power like cats in heat.

Derek