You know what, on average, people are most afraid of?  It’s not death.  It’s public speaking.  As Seinfeld once said, most people would rather be in the coffin than giving the eulogy.

That doesn’t make much sense, does it?

By now you should be getting used to humans not making much sense.

This all comes from social pressure.  No one wants to look stupid.  Everyone wants to be the coolest, most confident guy in the room.  And when you stand up in front of people, you give yourself the chance to FAIL.

Winston Churchill once said something like “I’d rather keep my mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it and remove all doubt.”

He also said “Madam, I may be drunk, but I’ll be sober tomorrow, and you’ll still be ugly.”  Feel free to use that one.

Anyway, most people feel like Winston.  When it comes to the fool quote, I mean.  Almost everyone is so scared of doing something dumb that they end up doing nothing.  When opportunity arises they flash back to a bad experience from junior high, all these negative emotions come flooding, and they freeze.

It’s understandable.  I mean, the emotional pain of embarrassment and – worse – rejection is very real.  Most guys prefer physical discomfort to social awkwardness.  So eventually you just avoid situations where things can get awkward or embarrassing or – worse – rejecting.

STOP THAT!

Time for some tough love.  When you’re on your death bed – should you be so lucky to have a bed – it isn’t going to be the things you tried and failed that you regret.

It’s the things you HAVEN’T TRIED.  Always.  Because you never know what might have been.

I remember once when I was a young kid – maybe 14 – on the beach and some girls walked by me and said “Hi” with these salacious smiles.

I froze.

And I REMEMBER THIS!  I rue that moment.  I’ve approached hundreds of women since, and especially in the early going, I wasn’t always successful.  I got shot down my fair share of times.

And I don’t remember them much at all.  Certainly not in a painful way.  At the time it might have hurt, but with practice you can learn to deal with that pretty easily.

It’s like breaking through the burn in a serious exercise regimen.  It sucks while it happens, but once you’ve made it through it doesn’t seem so bad – in fact, you get to kind of enjoy it.  Why?  Because instead of avoiding the burn with fear, you push yourself towards it, and you get great results.  You wind up feeling good, and pride comes that you pushed yourself through to the reward.

Guess what?  Approaching women much like that.  It is EXACTLY like that.

When you see a beautiful woman and those nerves come, that’s normal.  Everyone gets that.  Even the best of the best still get that occasionally, and those are guys with AMAZING success rates.

EVERYONE is scared of looking like a fool, and a beautiful woman can do that to you better than most.  Hence, approach anxiety.

DEAL with it.

Most men don’t fail with women because of some fatal flaw in their being.  It’s because they never put themselves into a position where they can succeed.  And when by luck they find themselves in that position they don’t know what to do because they’ve rarely been there!

Thus, they screw it up, receive more negative feedback, and avoid such situations even MORE in the future.  This is what psychologists call a negative feedback loop, and it’s an ugly thing.  Tough to deal with too.

So what’s a guy to do?

BREAK THE LOOP.

I’m not going to lie to you.  When you approach women – especially to start – you’ll have some negative interactions.  You’ll be nervous, and although most women will be much nicer than your dark fantasies, they probably won’t respond the way you want them to.

Even a nice brush-off is a brush-off, and it still stings.

Plus, there will be some women who WON’T be nice, WON’T humor your awkward attempts, and will blow you out of the water.

Ouch.

Of course, after your first good workouts, you shouldn’t be able to lift your arms above your shoulders.

Ouch.

The point is that you are BUILDING to something.  The more practice you get, the less nervous you’ll be, or at least the less nervous you’ll act (which is just as important).  As you gain confidence, you won’t have that fear ruining everything.

The butterflies will remain, but YOU will have control of them.  One day you’ll get a cold response, and you’ll stay so inside yourself and confident through it that you’ll actually TURN the tables and have women respect and LIKE you for it.

You’ll have passed a test, and you’ll get great reactions.  This is when you start to – wait for it – ENJOY these socially charged moments.  There will come a point where you SEEK THEM OUT because you end up having POSITIVE responses.  Either from the get-go or, more powerfully, when you deftly deal with a situation most men RUN from.

Break the negative loop, and you find yourself in a win-win place.  That’s not to say ALL women you approach will fall all over you – they have their own lives and issues to deal with – but you won’t ever feel that it was YOUR fault.

If you’re friendly, open, and confident, either she will open up to you or she will have a personal reason why she doesn’t.

You don’t have to have that naked-in-the-locker-room junior high feel.

How do you get there?  Start with these exercises.

Tomorrow, go out and talk to 10 people.  Any 10 – men, women, children, grandmas – just get used to TALKING with strangers.  Get comfortable doing it.  Talk about books in the bookstore, music in the CD shop, Columbia in Starbucks – anything, so long as you try to do it NATURALLY.

More than likely some of the people you talk to will be women, and more than likely some will be hot.  Great.  Treat them the SAME as everyone else.  Remember, you’re just practicing the natural connection with humanity, something most people can’t do around strangers.

Got it?  Good.  Now do the same thing for 10 days.  That’s right, 100 people.

Just do it.  Don’t tell Phil Knight I said that.

At the end of those 10 days you should feel a lot more relaxed approaching strangers and conversing with them.  So the NEXT 10 days you are going to talk to beautiful women.

This doesn’t mean to ignore everyone else, but if you see a woman that you’re attracted to, MAKE yourself talk to her.  Ok, if she’s at a restaurant spoon-feeding her grandparents, you’re excused, but if the situation is REMOTELY acceptable, you’ve gotta talk to her.  Period.

If you want, you can simply say “I usually get nervous talking to beautiful women, so I’m practicing talking to them in a relaxed way, staying in myself.  Thanks for the help.”  Most of the time the response will be better than you think – she’ll be flattered, and you might provoke a little nurturing instinct.

Don’t stop there, of course.  Try to talk for around 5 minutes without getting flustered.  After 10 days, odds are you’ll be pretty good.  Some women might even volunteer their numbers.

But we’re not finished.  The NEXT 10 days you are going to go out and ask 10 women a day for their numbers, emails, even instant dates (like moving on to a coffee shop).  Remember to stay relaxed and talk to them as you talked to everyone else.  DO NOT change your approach – she’ll know if you do.  Keep cool and confident – the rest will come.

At the end of this month, you’ll be a new man.  A more confident man.  And, likely, a man with enough numbers to keep you busy for the next month.

You’ll be starting to ENJOY those social pressure moments, because you know that good connections come out of them.  You’ll have a positive feedback loop.  You’ll be ready for the next step.

Getting numbers is, after all, only the first step.  There’s plenty more to know if you are going to have full success and find yourself satiated at the end of the night. Stay tuned.

Derek

You know why men are always chasing women and not the other way around, right?  It’s because we want it more.  Men love sex in a way women never will, and that’s why, always, sooner or later, it’s the man practically (or literally) begging for it while the women tend to get frequent headaches farther into relationships.

Right?  I mean, that’s what conventional wisdom has come up with, right?  And an opinion thousands of years in the making has to have the truth behind it.  We all know that.

Wrong.  So wrong.  I’m ready to jump through the screen and throttle whoever came up with this brilliant idea.  The only thing holding me back is the fact he’s so long dead.

If he wasn’t, I’d want to finish the job myself.

This is one of the greatest fallacies in all of life.  Listen, men have one basic kind of orgasm.  One.  It can vary in intensity, sure, and sometimes it’ll even be stimulated by something other than direct contact, but it’s really just variations on a theme.  That’s just how we’re built.

For a woman, the closest thing to our one orgasm is a clitoral one.  But here’s the thing: women have TWO MORE kinds, arguably THREE.  In addition to the clitoral, they also have the g-spot, the v-spot (deep in the vagina) and the vaginal, if you argue that isn’t related.

All those orgasms produce different feelings – feelings that men can imagine, but we can never truly know.  And if a woman winds up having two OR MORE kinds of orgasms SIMULTANEOUSLY, WATCH OUT.  During the height of perfect intimacy we can get a vicarious taste of this – or if you’re deeply tantric, you may believe that your feelings literally meld and a guy can get the full affect – but 999 out of 1000 male lives will never come close to approaching the levels of feeling that women can get out of sex.  We’re just not built that way.

Almost makes you jealous, doesn’t it?  Don’t worry, quite a few women never really explore this, and if you can learn how to help a woman along, you’ll never be alone again. 

I just wanted to point out, first of all, that men do NOT have to want sex more than women.  They usually don’t.  Women are simply more subtle, and also more finicky (blame evolution).

A woman can’t be turned on just like that.  I show you a naked picture of Angelina Jolie, within seconds you could be pounding nails with your tool.  Show a woman a naked Brad Pitt, and you aren’t likely to get the same reaction.

I don’t mean her nipples will be insufficiently stimulated to drive that same nail, either.

While men tend to be visual, women tend to be cognitive.  She needs her MIND turned on before she gets in the mood.

Trust me, she WANTS to be in the mood, almost certainly more than you.  But just because you get hard at the sight of her nightie, that doesn’t mean she’s ready.

And here’s the problem.  Men get aroused so much faster than women that oftentimes they move too quickly.  The woman wants sex, but not yet, and the guy is already moving fast into foreplay or, worse penetration.

For the woman, that’s just no fun.  That’s not the lovemaking she wants.  If you move too quick she may join in for YOU, but not for her.  And this starts to become a pattern.  Pretty soon she’s looking at sex as a chore, a way to keep you happy, but all the while she’s not being made happy.

This is when those pesky headaches start to appear.

This is when the man starts getting grabby, pawing, begging, putting himself in the position of weakness.

Now things are getting even worse, because that kind of wussy behavior is worse than nothing, it’s the ANTITHESIS of arousing for a woman.  It’d be like if a woman took out her teeth before she started kissing you, EVERY TIME.  Or removed a breast.  Think of your own disgusting physical turn-off, and that’s exactly what you’re doing to her mentally.

Sex becomes less frequent, and MORE of a bothersome task for her.  This leads to the man begging all the more, leading to the woman wanting it less and less, until it basically disappears.

The man becomes distraught, MORE pathetic in his attempts, and suddenly your abstinent.  Or dumped.  Or – worst? – cheated on.

As Dean Wormer might have said, abstinent, begging, and weak is no way to go through life, son.

So how do you keep from letting this happen?  It’s simple.  Maybe hard in practice, but simple in theory.

DON’T BEG.

Don’t paw, don’t coyly place her hand on your crotch, don’t plead for a little sweetness.  Even if you get it that way – less and less as time goes by – the sex won’t be the kind of passionate embrace it should be.

No, it MUST be.

You’ve got to learn to lean back, ESPECIALLY when you’ve been in a relationship for awhile.  You need to turn her on MENTALLY, and let her show you when she’s ready.

Don’t worry about her knowing about you.  We have a handy flag raised whenever we’re in the mood.

A woman, though, needs to be turned on more patiently, much more slowly.  When she’s ready to move up a level, she’ll certainly let you know, most likely in a physical way.

If you can give her a little then draw back – tease her a bit – then you’ll REALLY start to see something.

You want HER pawing YOU.  SHE should be begging YOU for sex – in a playful way, of course, but nonetheless, YOU should be the one holding out longer.

This will help ensure that she REALLY is in the mood by the time you get down to it – which in turn leads to amazing sex.

Much better than a distracted handjob during Conan that she does just to get you to shut up.

Retain the POWER and the CONTROL in the bedroom.  There is a LONG history behind this, but the long and short of it is this is a SEXY THING on a man.

Unless you’ve got a dominatrix, submission and pleading is not.

Feel free to play around with this.  Some of the most EXPLOSIVE sex I’ve ever had was when I’d built a woman up to great heights, she wanted to keep climbing, and I suddenly stopped, lay back, and said through a knowing grin “No.  You don’t want it enough yet.”  A woman can get nearly VIOLENT in her passion after something like that, if she’s been built up correctly.

This sort of sexual tension works almost all the time.  Of course sometimes, for whatever reason, it won’t.  The key then is:

SUCK IT UP.

Go a night without.  Don’t pout.  Don’t EVER beg.  Don’t even cajole.  You might get something that moment, but you’re damaging your sex life in the long run.  You are losing your attractiveness.

Remember, SHE’S the one who is going to be experiencing depths of feeling outside the ordinary experience of men the world over.  If she knows that you can provide those feelings and you don’t do anything to screw up your sexual appeal, she WILL come to YOU.

You know, people DO get REAL headaches sometimes.  A lot of bouncing isn’t pleasant.  Don’t plant unpleasant experiences in her head when she thinks of you and sex.  You want them ALL to be GREAT.  Now no one can be on all the time, but even if every single experience isn’t fantastic, most of them SHOULD be, and there should be NO negative ones.

So we all need to be little Fonzies.  And what’s Fonzie like?  Correctomundo, cool.  If the night ain’t right, let it lie.

And if it is, let HER show YOU.  Your job is to get her in the mood.  After that, making love to her is something you CHOOSE to do for HER, not for your rocks.

Forget about your rocks.  Think with your cool, and your rocks will be happy.  Let the rocks lead you around, and they’ll wind up blue, sooner or later.

Of course, if you aren’t sure the best way to turn a woman on to the point where SHE initiates your sexual encounters, you can find plenty of advice in my Seduction Science books.  Whether you’ve known a woman 5 minutes or 50 years, her triggers are going to remain fairly constant.  If you want some ideas to further your attractiveness, check them out.

Derek

Fight the pedestal. 

Today we’re going to talk about tragedy.  What a downer, but it’s gotta be done.

We’re going to talk about The Tragedy of the Self-Defeating Man.  Catchy title, this might not be so bad.

Something that tends to happen with ALL men – and especially those who haven’t had as much success with women – is they get stuck on ONE woman.

I don’t mean they get trapped in a monogamous relationship that is unhealthy.  That’s a different newsletter.

Today, we’re going to talk about the man who never GETS to the romantic level with a woman.  And it drives him batty.  It makes him try even HARDER to get her, and he’ll try again and again until she can’t stand the thought of him.

It’s a natural reaction.  Humans hate rejection.  Faced with one, NOTHING feels better than reversing it.  We get into a competition with whatever man we imagine she’s waiting for, and we’re NOT going to lose.

And I think of baseball.

In baseball, unlike most other sports, you need to be relaxed to succeed.  You can’t be too concerned about any one at bat, or you literally choke the bat.  You lose your fluidness, you lose your rhythm, you tense up, and you wind up choking yourself.

Women are the same way.  If you strike out, the WORST thing you can do is try NOT to strike out again.  The BEST thing you can do is take your next at-bat like you would in a batting cage.  Relaxed and allowing your swing to be natural.

Ok, this metaphor has gone too far.  Let’s get back to simple reality.

When a guy fails to get romantic with a woman he’s attracted to and he becomes MORE determined to get her, he winds up suffocating her with attention.  He chases her, and what do we do when we’re chased?

We run away.

Worse, the woman gets built up in the guy’s mind to this elusive perfect creature, and the rejection sting just gets WORSE the more time and thought he puts into her.  He feels MORE attraction, and the more he feels, the farther away she runs.

Enough tragedy, let’s get healthy.

First, the woman is almost CERTAINLY not as great as you think she is.  You start off attracted physically, but the more beautiful women you meet, the more you realize they are as screwed up as everyone else.  Sometimes more, because they wind up with a skewed view of the world because of their beauty.

What’s more, people always try to put their best foot forward when first meeting someone, and you can wind up with a more positive image than the complete reality warrants.

Combine your pedestal view of the woman with the need to overcome rejection and the forbidden fruit, you wind up with an unhealthy obsession that just drives the woman away and makes you miserable.

You can know all this and still do it, so you need to remind yourself often.

A woman who is attractive, intelligent, sane, and has her life together is REALLY rare.  You can date a different woman every night for a year and not find one.  And you CERTAINLY aren’t going to know if the current woman you are interested in is one of these rare creatures until you’ve spent a LOT of time with her.

And you’ll NEVER find out if you spend all your time chasing her away.

The solution?  RELAX.  Let go of love-at-first-sight dreams – if it happens, then there won’t be any rejections to worry about anyway.  MOST of the time we’re dealing with lust-at-first-sight, and we get confused about it as other emotions push us into pursuit.

When a woman isn’t interested, the healthiest thing you can do for BOTH of you is to say that most powerful word, you know the one, all together now:

NEXT.

Forcing yourself on a woman NEVER works.  It doesn’t have to be the creepy afternoon special forcing yourself either, just PUSHING too hard is a major turn-off.

You need to remember that the girl you’re thinking about, most likely, ISN’T as special as you think.  There are PLENTY of others out there, and plenty of THEM WILL be interested in you.

Why waste your time on one who isn’t?

The best thing you can do is go out and meet tons of women.  As you have more success you’ll get a better grasp of what kinds of women are out there.  You’ll also start to realize that, as perfect as one might seem at first, rarely does that impression last forever.

IF you’ve been out with numerous women AND you’re seeing one who seems like everything you’ve ever wanted AND you still think that after months of dating, great.  You’ve found her.

But UNTIL you’ve done that, you really can’t know.  So let that logical brain supercede the emotional one and realize your early impressions AREN’T THAT ACCURATE.

That’s no fault of yours.  You just don’t have enough data points to really know who she is.

But while this is all very logical, it doesn’t really help the EMOTIONAL aspect, which almost always rules us humans no matter how much we try to argue it down.

So the key is to AVOID THE EMOTIONAL from the get-go.  Stop yourself from prematurely getting emotionally involved.

Learn to say NEXT from the beginning.  Don’t look at each new woman you meet as a potential ANYTHING except a learning experience.  When you finally DO meet a woman who meets your highest expectations, you’ll know it’s REAL because she had to convince you.

If you stop yourself from getting emotionally attached, it’s much easier to let a woman who’s not interested go.

Once you’re emotionally invested, it’s tough to let go, even if you KNOW that it’s based on nothing but your own WANT and has nothing to do with her.

You want an exercise, do you?  Ok, here’s an easy one.  The next five women you are attracted to, talk to them.  Establish rapport.  Do everything you would do if you wanted to create attraction.

And then let her go.  DON’T pursue her at all, don’t get a number, just take mental notes of what works well and what doesn’t, so you can use it in future interactions.  Which should happen in the same frame – each approach is just practice for the next.

Oddly enough, you’ll find that nonchalance has an ENCHANTING affect on women, and you might have some start to show a lot of interest in you.

Refuse them!  That’s right, I’m telling you to turn down sex, if it comes to that.  I’m an evil evil sensei.

If one winds up so desperate that you just can’t help it, then when you progress romantically, remember that YOU are doing HER the favor.  You’re breaking a disciplined practice to satiate this begging lady.

What a gallant guy you are, eh?

Carry this attitude around, and you should be able to avoid the irrational attachment to the ones who get away.  No more tragedy.  Hello happy aesthetic life full of women who want to be near you.  Instead of YOU chasing THEM and driving them away, you want to get THEM chasing YOU.

All it takes is changing the frame of your interactions.  Don’t chase.  They’ll be so surprised – all men chase these attractive women – that they’ll wind up intrigued and, eventually, they WILL chase you.

And that’s when you can get picky.

Maybe I’m not such an evil sensei after all.

REMEMBER, you aren’t going to know what a woman is really like on that first meeting.  Unless you study psychology, communication and hidden behavior in-depth, the best foot forward and the real foot back are just too different to be seen immediately.

Of course, you CAN pick my brain, as I’ve done a lot of study and I can pass on some of what I’ve learned.  You can find my analyses in my books, found on seduction science.  In addition, you’ll learn other ways to help you say NEXT, including confidence-building and positive-loop exercises that get your head in the right place when you are first meeting women.  Check it out.  Until next time.

Derek

You know why most guys can’t get dates?

Because they try to get dates.

You think I’m going to talk to you about some Buddhist you-can’t-get-what-you-most-want thing here, and I am, in a way.

Just not the way you expect it.

Listen, if you set yourself up in a “date” situation, you’re setting yourself up for failure.  You’re giving her an opportunity to say no.  Even if you get the “yes,” you are setting yourself for an awkward encounter.

Most of all, you’re setting yourself up for judgment.

That’s not we do here in seduction science land.

You don’t want to activate her rational mind – you’re just asking for a whole slew of bad things to happen.

Her rational mind is the one that goes about picking mates.  And unless you REALLY like spending months unsatisfied and a large floral bill, that isn’t the way to go.

You can start a relationship with a girl WITHOUT all that if you want… and you can have a purely physical relationship with a girl without all that, if you want.  You have to trigger her on an emotional level.  An attraction level.

And that means, NO DATES.  The world’s a funny place.

So what do you do instead?  You go on INSTANT dates.

Let me explain.

If you’re conversing with a girl and everything is going well, LEAD her somewhere.  It can just be across the room, but LEADING is a powerful thing.  More than you’d ever guess.

Say “Hey, I want to show you something.”  Or “I want to tell you something.”  Take her hand – if she returns a squeeze you know you’re in – and then have a little nugget ready to legitimize your leading.  It can be a silly prop you carry with you, or a charming line you’ve worked out, just make sure it isn’t TOO corny.  Be the good boy scout we all know you are, and be prepared for this.

By the way, if you’ve made out a little by this point, that’s a teeny help.  As you might imagine.

If you feel a little strange doing this leading, then get her ready to accept it.  How?  Get her saying yes.

“Do you like to have fun?”

“Yes.”

“Are you adventurous?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t show everyone this, but want to see something special?”

“Yes!”

That was easy, wasn’t it?  People tend to feed off patterns, and if you get her agreeing with you, her natural tendency will be to continue.

By comparison, you don’t want to ask too many negative questions.

“You aren’t a weirdo, are you?”

“No!”

“You don’t fly off the handle easily, do you?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Want to see something?”

“Uhh, not really.”

That exchange makes sense too – just not the kind of sense we want to make.

So get her saying yes, and take her to another part of wherever you are – a corner of the club, a table at the bar, a desk at the library.  Use physical contact – but slightly undefined.  You don’t want to be a schoolmarm about it, but you don’t want to be a lounge lizard either.  You don’t want her knowing exactly WHAT it is.

Then, keep going with STEPS.  Your goal shouldn’t be to get her in bed, you should try to simply get her to the next STEP.  If you say “Let’s ditch the losers you’re hanging out with and have sex in my Chevy,” well, that might work with a few (VERY drunk) women, but for the most part, that ain’t gonna work.

Call it a hunch.

The woman wants to feel that the progression is natural… she wants to be able to tell her girlfriends later “I don’t know how… but it just worked.  It just… happened!”

Small steps feel natural.

Sexual propositions in the first five minutes do not.

So once you’ve led her somewhere, lead her again.  Take her to a new venue – you don’t need to separate her from her group, nor do you need to diss your buds.  You simply need to go somewhere new TOGETHER.

Congratulations.  You just reframed the world, and now you’re in it together.  Instead of a serious deliberation of whether she wants to go out with you, and her judging the way you play with your jello, you’ve created a bond with her.  And you’ve done it in a natural way.

MUCH better.

Next step?  Well, usually one place hasn’t cemented the bond, so a second stop is often in order.  As the night goes on friends will peel away, but if you’ve created attraction in your target, she won’t.

Yeah, maybe she really DOES have to be up at 4 am to pick up her sister at the airport.  Mostly, though, those are just excuses if she’s having second thoughts about the NATURAL progression of the evening.  It’s your job to create enough sparks that she will convince herself to stay with you, even if she DOES have a sister coming in on the red-eye.

If the attraction is there, sleep becomes secondary.

Next, you need to get her to your place.  Some guys like to “need” a ride since their friends have left earlier, or some like to offer one.  Personally, I like to use her car, since it sets you up to arrive at your pad first.

Earlier in the evening, you should have planted a seed excuse to get her inside.  Perhaps you’ve talked music and there’s a CD she should borrow… or there’s the video clip you simply must show her… or you could just say “This is fun, let’s keep talking”… whatever it is, it needs to be INSIDE.

By this point in the evening, if you’re expecting to get further, you should have already been physically intimate, probably at the first spot where you met.  If you have, once you’ve got her in your dwelling, it should be an easy transition into some serious lurve.

If you haven’t laid the physical groundwork, this can be much more difficult, but it’s still possible.  She’ll probably be hesitant to come in (pre-kiss, you’re an assault risk, post-kiss, you’re a guy she’s physically attracted to) but if she does, that probably means she wants to keep going.

This is NOT an excuse to force yourself on the lady.  There is NEVER a time that is appropriate… outside SM play, anyway.

That’s not about attraction or sexiness.  If you’ve got the chemistry going, she’ll WANT to keep going… and if she doesn’t, that usually means you simply need to step back and build up the sexual tension to a good level.

Get her on the bed.  Give her a taste of that massage technique you talked about earlier… that shirt sure does get in the way, doesn’t it?  Let’s get rid of that… can you see where this is going?

The important thing is to take everything step by step, making sure she is comfortable at each stop along the way, and most importantly, feeling ATTRACTION.  Otherwise, you’ll never make it up the ladder.

If you HAVE got the attraction happening, though, and lead her up a gradual slope with the pinnacle in your bedroom, you’ve just found the way to skip the date and get to the good stuff.

This applies even if it doesn’t occur in a single night – when you meet a woman, you should avoid date situations, and instead go with “I’m doing this, why don’t you come too?”  That kind of attitude ALWAYS beats “I’d like to take you out sometime.”

Do it right, and you’ll be able to choose whatever approach you prefer, from pursuing the one night stand to carefully screening the women who MIGHT experience the joy of your bed over a few meetings.  Pick your pleasure.

Just steer clear of traditional dates.  Unless your goal is an improbable marriage to someone who, for all you know, could be a virgin.  Lord knows you’ve never touched her.

If that’s your goal, by the way, stop reading and burn your computer now.

If your goal is to meet a LOT of women and pick one (or more) who are right for you, then keep studying, grasshopper.  The above wisdom is useful, but without the proper tools and knowing how to create interpersonal magic with ladies as you choose, it’s a nice dream, is all.  If you want to know more about how to create that ATTRACTION and move from sexual tension to bedroom release, you should check out my books, especially the base, Seduction Science Volumes 1-3.  Take a look, and see how YOU can consider making out on the dance floor just another step on the way to greater rewards.

Derek

You know what I love most about supermodels?

They are INSANE.

Seriously, what else would you call it when one of the world’s most beautiful women obsesses about some perceived physical flaw?

That’s right, it’s so well known it’s axiomatic, few people worry more about their appearance than those who have the least to worry about.

Of course, if your butt size was worth $3.5 million in endorsements, you’d worry too.

But that’s not the point.  These loveliest of ladies have been worrying about their looks since WELL BEFORE their first Guess ad.  Before they knew they’d make their money by wearing lingerie.  Most beautiful women have worried about their appearance since, well, they got their first mirror.

I have a friend who once dated an absolute knockout, but she was so concerned about her TOES and obsessed in such an annoying way that it contributed to their BREAKUP.

Think about that.

Of course, when your greatest asset is your looks, it’s natural to pay it excessive attention, for good and ill.

But that’s not the real story.  The point is, EVERYONE is self-conscious about something.  Sometimes even our GREATEST STRENGTHS.

So now, one time only, take out your hanky and group-hug all the rest of the world in the knowledge that you’re not perfect.  And you never will be.  Even Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise have problems.  ESPECIALLY Tom.

The thing is, your problems are not the problem.  It’s when you are NERVOUS and INSECURE about them that things go wrong.

I know hideously ugly guys who are great with the girls.  There are guys who can’t tie their own shoes, yet get their pick of ladies.  Why?

They have CONFIDENCE.  And that, friends, is extremely sexy.  In fact, it’s probably the most attractive attribute any man can have.  It can trump any and every flaw you have.

Ok, take a moment now and think about what personal flaws YOU obsess about.  Write them down.  Study them.

Now realize that NO ONE cares about them as much as YOU.  Except for a few lucky oblivious people, we are always our own worst critics.  Not to mention the harshest.

Admit it, you can enter a negative cycle of thinking from any of these flaws faster than Paris Hilton can embarrass herself.  You’ve probably used them as excuses for past failures.

Not probably, you HAVE used them.

Well, it’s time to grow up.  Your flaws are not the problem, it is your associated behavior that sabotages you.  If you spend your time imagining how a foible will cause you to fail, you’ve done nothing but prepare yourself for failure.

Listen, women hate weakness.  And few things stink of weakness like a guy who can’t believe in himself.

There is no quick fix for this, since your BODY LANGUAGE will give away your secret insecurity.  Women are MUCH better at reading your gestures, and most of the time we aren’t even aware we’re using weak body language.

For example, fidgety hands playing with zippers or buttons are a dead giveaway.  So is constantly touching your face – in fact, ANY extra movement will be read as nerves.

And in the greatest ironic knife-twist, the more we like a lady, the more our nerves act up.

So what’s a guy to do?

I thought you’d never ask.

There are two angles you should come at this problem from, the inner and the outer.

The outer is easier, but much less important.  This involves moving slowly and deliberately (but not stiffly).  Being able to give a relaxed smile at the right time, not pressing to impress.  Holding yourself erect, shoulders back, hips forward, head high.  Walking smoothly, having each action look natural and effortless.

Easy to describe, hard to do, right?  That’s why the inner game is more important.  The outer will follow.

What do I mean by the inner game?  You need to feel comfortable in different situations, feel comfortable as yourself and believe that you are one hell of a hunk, flaws and all (one more group hug, anyone?)

One way to do this is to actively improve yourself in areas where you feel lacking.  Think you’re overweight?  Hit a gym – you might not have a six-pack, but you’ll feel better about your body and things in general.  Simply being proactive can change your attitude in a hurry.

Feel illiterate in intellectual waters?  Read some books, take a class, do something to improve your confidence.

Of course, not all things can be changed.  Unless you’ve got some cool Disco Stu goldfish-filled platform shoes, a short guy will always be short.

The real key to all of this is remembering that your shortcomings JUST DON’T MATTER AS MUCH AS YOU THINK.  It’s your nerves that do you in.

Simply knowing that everyone has something they are self-conscious about is the first step.  Hell, Tom Cruise is, what, 5’4”?  Sean Connery is bald.  Everyone is something.

The attractive man JUST DOESN’T CARE.  This can take many different forms, and you should experiment to find one that’s comfortable for you.

Some guys go with self-deprecating humor to show they’re comfortable with it.  You can actually turn a perceived weakness into a strength.

Still others are so comfortable with themselves that they don’t even think about it, thus avoiding a self-made stumbling block.

Just like every unfortunate birthday victim you’ve given a toaster to says, it’s the THOUGHT that counts.  Picture failure, and you fulfill it.  Picture success – picture yourself at your best – and you create a confident atmosphere which others will find attractive.

It’s homework time.  Check out your list from earlier, and now make another list of ways you telegraph that insecurity.  If you need to, go out and try talking to five women while thinking about it.  Let yourself obsess.  It’s your last chance (and it’s good practice for avoiding attachment to any one woman).  Notice how the ladies react.

Now go out and talk to 10 women, while trying some of that self-deprecating humor.  It might take more trials as you’ll likely have nervous insecure laughter to begin with.  You can’t do this as compensation for ‘shortcomings’, and the only way to get past that stage is to PRACTICE.

Try to look at yourself from an objective standpoint.  Do this until you can SINCERELY laugh about your ‘faults’ without letting them concern you.  And keep the cocky attitude flying high the whole time if you want this to work.

Finally, if you feel like you’re comfortable with yourself, try talking to 10 more women without self-conscious thoughts in your mind.  If somehow the conversation gets to a sensitive area, see if you can make a natural funny comment, and notice the reaction of the people you’re talking to.

During this little exercise, also notice your BODY LANGUAGE.  If you feel yourself acting nervy, practice relaxing.  Learn to breath deep.  Control your motions.

After doing this, you should have a solid understanding of how your own beliefs affect the reactions of those around you.  Remember this is YOUR movie, and YOU can control it.  Keep the easy arrogant comedy going, and watch the difference between each group of ladies you’ve conversed with and teased about their OWN faults (but be funny!)

With enough practice you should be relaxed in your own skin, and ready to show off that shiny confident attitude that all the most successful people have.  Get the attitude, and the rest will follow.

Derek

Be Cool Kid, Real Cool

There once was a man named Adam.  He was a nice enough fellow – he didn’t really know any better – and he had a woman, food, plenty of sex and nudity, more pets than a zoo, and lived an idyllic life.

Only one thing – he couldn’t eat one particular fruit.  Other than that, he could do whatever he wanted.  So what’d he do?

Obviously, he ate the fruit.  Thus begat a looooooong tradition in all humanity; we want what we can’t have.

Psychologists have a name for this, given us by that early Adam.  It’s the forbidden fruit complex, and almost everyone has it to one degree or another.  Women have a name for this too.  It’s called playing hard-to-get.

Now, some significant time later, there was another Adam.  The poor guy didn’t really know what he was doing with women, and he rarely had successful dates.  Finally, through blind luck, he found himself in a relationship.  Overnight the world changed – ladies smiled at him, some chatted him up – in general, he became this much more attractive man.

He became the forbidden fruit.

Only it’s much more complex than that.  Most of the women didn’t know he was dating someone else.  Part of it perhaps was he was happy and confident, but he’d been happy and confident alone before, without this change coming.  What was going on?

The forbidden fruit is the obvious and easy little trick we can watch humanity fall for.  But there is an opposite corollary; we don’t want what we can have.

I know I know, we’re all stupid shmucks.  We deserve lonely nights for that kind of mixed-up thinking.

That doesn’t make it any less true.

Theories for this abound.  Some people think it’s because our unconscious mind is triggered to think ourselves BETTER than those who are desperate to be with us.  Some people just find it boring – where’s the thrill?  The chase?  The get-to-know-you game?

Maybe it smacks of self-consciousness and a lack of confidence – why do you NEED me so much?  What’s wrong with you?

Maybe it’s the insult of skin-deep lust.  Hey, some women enjoy one-nighters as much as the next guy, but outside of the porn industry, few women want to be viewed as just a body.  And if you want it SO BAD in such a short amount of time, well, you don’t truly know her so we know what you REALLY want.  Pig.

Maybe it makes no logical sense at all, and it’s useless to analyze.

What we CAN do, though, is recognize it for the pattern it is, and learn from it.  Just as you were turned off by that nerdy girl in high school who had the crush on you, attractive women are turned off by drooling dorks (who again are dorks BECAUSE they drool).

But now we’ve got a problem.  If women don’t like men who obviously like them, and we only want to be with women we like, who don’t like us ‘cause we like like them… this quickly turns into a Wonder Years nightmare scenario of hopelessness.

This paradox is probably the cause of something like 95% of the world’s loneliness.  It’s a pity our emotional brain – the part of the mind that is responsible for attraction – is such a mess.  But that’s the way it is.

I guess we should all get used to it and prepare for a life of marriage to someone we settle for, not someone we want.  Right?

OH GOD NOOOOOOO!  Here I come to illustrate a point, and I leave my readers suicidal.  Not good.  Understand this is the way it USUALLY happens.  It’s not the way it HAS TO happen.

We’ve said before that attractive women assume as a matter of course that all men want them.  It might not always be true – maybe not every bum sitting outside the library with an upside down hat in front of them wants your quarter – but it’s true enough that it’s a useful rule in her daily life.

She knows how to deal with men when she knows what they want.

So what do you need to do?

NOTHING.

You don’t need to tell her how much you want her.  And – more importantly, since most people don’t open with “I want you” – you cannot SHOW her.

Really, this is the definition of cool.

You may think you’re playing it cool and not telegraphing your intentions, but guess what – if the intentions are there, you probably are.

There are literally THOUSANDS of physical clues that set off a woman’s radar.  You lean in too far or approach too close, you fidget with buttons, you laugh about things that aren’t funny, you awkwardly get in position for a hand-hold.

And about 2000 more.

If you were a yogini you might be able to approach a woman with her attractiveness front and center in your brain and control all the little tics that give you away as a bundle of nervous sexual energy.

Of course, if you were a yogini, you probably wouldn’t be interested in this, but that’s another story.

No, there is a much easier way to deal with this, to eliminate all the signs that say “I want you.”  The simple answer is RELAX.

The longer answer is DON’T TRY.  Pretend she’s your sister.  Pretend she’s an episode in Grand Theft Auto.  Pretend she’s a practice conversation for some imaginary future.

Whatever you do, DON’T think about going back to your place with her.  Really, you don’t need to pretend – you can simply MAKE the conversation practice.

With every woman.

From now to forever.

You just CAN’T show a girl your cards early on.  It’s death to attraction.  It transmits all the wrong things.  Sure, you might get away with it now and again, but not usually, and NEVER with extremely attractive women in high demand.

And until you realize that, you should treat all women as practice with that bit of knowledge.  Because it’s never going anywhere otherwise.

Once you DO realize it, you’ll see that you just need to do what you’ve been doing, treating a lady as a practice conversation with NO aim.

Like a cat, if you try and pet her, you’ll never catch up to her.  But act chill around cats – even ignore them – and you’ll have them crawling all over you.

This is the way of life.  It is one of the most important concepts you’ll ever learn when it comes to attraction and dating.  Act with ulterior motives and she’ll know, guaranteed, and you’ve lost all hope with her.

Act with no expectations and it’s a fair bet she’ll see a bit of the forbidden fruit in you.

THIS is what people mean when they say to just be yourself.  No wonder you never got before, right?  Seriously, if you can simply enjoy being YOU and living YOUR life around women without chasing them, it works.  It says you are an interesting confident guy who might ENJOY being with a particular woman, but you don’t NEED that woman.  Powerful.

Unlike modifying your behavior around her, which smacks of insecurity and weakness.

So do what you need to do to ELIMINATE every yearning in your interactions with attractive women?  Convince yourself you’re too busy for her anyway.  Or – better yet – too good for her.  Or only talk to women within areas that have easy access to cold showers.

Whatever you need to do to get yourself in the right frame of mind, do it.

Remember, she’s just practice.  In fact, if you TELL her that when you first start chatting – something like “I’m practicing talking with attractive women so I can become more comfortable around them.” – it actually can work very well.

But dear God, go out and PRACTICE practicing.  This is a simple concept, really, but hard to put into, ahem, practice.  You’ll probably hold your head well for a bit before a situation turns promising and you think you’re in, and the magic ends.  You lose it – just for a second – and you may never recover.

Of course, just standing around not wanting women isn’t enough.  You need to know how to go up to them, talk to them, trigger attraction in them, and eventually seal the deal.  I spent years figuring the necessary steps and body language out, and I’ve put it all into my book, Seduction Science.  Check it out.  Until next time.

Derek