To overcome your fear of women, what I want to talk about next is something I call “situational comfort”.
Ever walk into a bar or club and feel uncomfortable or out of place? I mean, can you stand in a nightclub, all by yourself, with no agenda and be perfectly comfortable without fear of women? Or how about this… have you ever been in a women’s clothing boutique by yourself at the mall? Think you could do it? Or would you be embarrassed looking at women’s clothes all by yourself. Could you walk around a Victoria’s Secret lingerie store, inspect the women’s lingerie, and be perfectly comfortable without fear of women?
These are all places you might not normally visit or just hang around in. You may feel awkward being there, especially since you’ll be surrounded by attractive women and you may have no particular reason to be there otherwise. Walking through Victoria’s Secret, you may be uncomfortable and think to yourself that everyone is wondering why you’re there. At the very least you may find yourself walking a little faster than you usually would and not be relaxed.
Many guys have a situational anxiety problem and fear of beautiful women in certain situations. Even the most outgoing, sociable people encounter anxiety in certain settings.
Just because you get anxious in certain situations with a fear of women however doesn’t mean that you’re shy however. Situational anxiety and shyness are completely different things. You can be an outgoing and easy person among your friends, and then become anxious in certain situations like at a club, a women’s boutique store, the mall, or when an attractive woman passes by.
Your common sense becomes heavily distorted by the anxiety, and you lose your outward focus and begin an internal self-talk. You become paranoid that people are noticing you. This is all a hallucination. You’re making assumptions based on your fight or flight response, rather than on the facts of the situation. Hence, your natural social skills takes a back seat as your body language takes a defensive posture.
When you start to avoid situations, like going to a club or a party even when you’re invited, and you have an intense fear of women, the anxiety is to said to have become “phobic”. I call this passive phobia where we’re making choices that avoid social situations when we don’t even realize that we’re doing it. Like we start going to bed early when we could have stayed up late and gone out. Or when we prefer to play video games or watch sports rather than go out and meet new people.
And yes, it’s curable. You can get rid of your situational anxiety and it’s important that you do so if you want to move to the next level with opening women. The number one phobia of people in the United States isn’t death, its public speaking and they’ll tell you that the basic way to get rid of your fear of public speaking is know the room, know the audience, know your material, and know how to relax.
For dealing with situational anxiety and overcoming your fear of women, the same factors apply. Know the room, know the audience, know your material, and learn how to relax.
I have this friend who can have a good time and is comfortable just about anywhere. He can walk into a sex toy shop and talk to the sales clerk lady as if he was in a pet food store. He can walk into an expensive women’s clothing boutique, be the only guy there, and act like he owns the place.
However, he’s not the kind of guy who goes out to nightclubs. So when we went to a club together, he became uncomfortable and couldn’t relax.
That’s NORMAL though. If you’re not use to something, if you’re in a new social experience, SURE you’re going to feel uncomfortable at first. That’s a normal HUMAN response.
The only way to become really comfortable and at home in a nightclub, or a mall, or a women’s clothing boutique is to actually spend time in one. You actually have to walk in there and just spend time there, putting no pressure on yourself to do anything or be anyone.
You also need to know your audience to overcome it, so you need to spend time in the presence of people and attractive women and learn that they’re not going to bite you and that having fear of women is silly. They won’t even notice you. The key is to just blend in, relax, and get use to being in the situation that you’re at a club or that you’re looking at women’s lingerie at a Victoria’s Secret store.
And then, and only then, will you be relaxed enough to approach women in such a way that you can consistently and successfully elicit a good, positive response from them.
The Victoria’s Secret Boutique Exercise
So to overcome your fear of women, do the following exercise,
A: Go to a woman’s lingerie store, like Victoria’s Secret, during the day and spend a good twenty minutes there looking at the lingerie selections.
B: Go to a busy woman’s shoe store or boutique and spend twenty minutes looking at women’s shoes.
And C: Go to a woman’s clothing store or boutique and spend twenty minutes looking at women’s clothes.
You might be surprised at how awkward and just a little unusual this can feel, especially if you’ve never done something like this before. I mean, maybe you’re more use to stores like Office Max or Best Buy, but that’s not the point, the point is to become comfortable being in places where attractive women frequent to get over your anxiety around women.
The key is, it’s okay if you feel a little nervous and anxiety around women, it’s okay if you feel a little awkward when you first walk into these kinds of places. It’s new, you’re human, and that’s a normal human reaction.
Focus on relaxing, letting go of your uncomfortable ness and anxiety around women, and just relax. Slow down. Take your time looking at the clothes. Take your time noticing the kind of women who shop there. Take your time to notice what you can smell, what the lighting is like.
But most importantly, don’t quickly walk through like you’re in a hurry. Stroll. Browse. Act like you’re the store owner and you’re checking over the goods to make sure everything is in place. Move in a controlled, relaxed fashion.
The key is not to feel any pressure. You’re not going to approach anyone just yet. You’re goal is simply to be, to exist, to enjoy the moment, and become comfortable with where you are. To become comfortable with the idea that you’re the kind of man whose often in places where attractive women hang out without anxiety around women.
If the sales clerk asks you how she can help you, make eye contact, smile, and say, “No thank you, I’m just browsing for a gift for my girlfriend.” She’ll go away and it makes you look cool. Or, if you want to have the sales clerk show you around, which is even better, say “Yes, I’m looking for a gift for my girlfriend. Right now I’m just looking, but could you show me around and give me your opinion on what would be the best item for her.”
Now as you can guess, it’s important to practice. Actually do this exercise, don’t just listen to me tell you to do it. Because yes, you can intellectually tell yourself that you should be calm and relaxed in these kinds of situations, but in reality that’s not how you learn, that’s not how you train your mind to become comfortable in a new situation. This isn’t like learning a new spelling word, you have to actually get up off your butt and get out there and do it. When learning new social skills, there’s no substitute for direct experience.
That also means no cheating by bringing a friend. Either your friend is going to be as uncomfortable or even more uncomfortable than you, which isn’t going to help much, or your friend is just going to get bored very quickly, want to talk to you, want to leave, and ultimately act as one big distraction.
No, to get over your anxiety and fear around women is something you have to do on your own. Don’t look to your friend as a crutch.
And write down how your state changed through the experience in a journal. Note how you may have grown from discomfort to comfort or maybe even visa versa. Keep a log of how you felt in different places.
But at the very least, again, visit a lingerie store, a shoe store, and a woman’s clothing boutique each for at least 20 minutes at a time until you become comfortable in those settings and overcome your fears.
How To Handle Bar Anxiety
Now a lot of men have phobias of clubs and bars – bar anxiety. After all, bars tend to be dark, noisy, and full of strangers we don’t know. The thing is, that’s where a lot of attractive, single women hang out, so it will only help you to get use to be being at a club or bar without bar anxiety.
Because despite the lights, darkness, and noise, the reality is you’re really in a safe place. The lights, darkness, and noise is little more than an illusion which you can get use to.
In this exercise to get over bar anxiety I want you to visit a dance club or a bar. Go alone. Remember, when you get there, you don’t need to talk to anyone or do anything. The purpose is just to become comfortable. Relax. Don’t look for, hope for, or expect eye contact from anyone in particular. Just let whatever happens happen.
If you’re not use to a club or bar and you have bar anxiety, your first response may be the flight or fight response. In the military, they train special operation forces that in highly stressful situations, it’s not an either-or flight or fight option. That just because you feel anxiety doesn’t mean you must choose between two options which is the reptilian part of your brain reacting.
Instead, just relax, breathe, and allow yourself just to be. Your attitude should almost be as if you’re the owner of the club and you’re just going there to watch over the people and make sure they’re having a good time.
Stay at the club for at least an hour, just relaxing, noticing the types of people there, noticing how they’re acting, and who’s comfortable and who’s not. Keep in mind becoming comfortable in this kind of setting may take you a number of repeated visits.