When I first started going out to meet women, I knew exactly what I wanted – a beautiful girl with a beautiful smile, golden skin, athletic, and long full legs. I would leave the house brimming with inspiration, but I would come home feeling like a total failure.
I would walk around the mall or sit alone at a bar for hours, and never talk to a girl.
When I finally did get the nerve up to talk to a girl, she wouldn’t be interested.
And even when I did get into a conversation, it wasn’t the kind of girl I really wanted! (Or so I thought)
So I felt like I was continually experiencing failures and not having any successes. I just wasn’t having fun.
And because of that, I almost gave up completely on having success with women. But one single shift in my thinking completely turned things around for me…You see, I had created numerous ways to feel bad, and only a few ways to feel truly good.
I had set up a system of strict rules inside my head to feel successful and be happy – rules that were almost impossible to meet for a guy just starting out.
Most guys, to feel successful, feel that they have to open every girl they see, do some incredible routines, get the girl’s number, kiss her, and make her smile.
And when it doesn’t happen like they planned, they go home disappointed in themselves.
And it’s amazing how many guys wire themselves to feel pain and disappointment. Many guys only care about meeting a “10”. Many guys imagine they need to attract every woman they open.
Now what are your chances of feeling successful when you have to meet intense and arguably unreasonable criteria? Your own rules for success can make it very, very difficult to feel good and very easy to feel bad.
And pretty soon we get disillusioned and give up entirely.
You could be winning and feel like you’re losing because the scorecard you’re using is unfair. And you may be absolutely surprised when you find out how unfair your own rules are when you begin to think about them.
We tend to impose strict rules for feeling good on ourselves because of our social conditioning. We live in a very competitive culture in which school and work has taught us that “failure” is the worst possible outcome to be avoided at all costs.
In school and work we’re taught from day one to obey hundreds of rules or get detention, get reprimanded, or get fired.
Some guys believe that if they don’t have very intense rules, then they won’t be driven to succeed.
But the truth is that you don’t have to have difficult rules for feeling success and happiness to keep your drive. If you make your rules for success too intense and too painful, pretty soon you’ll begin to realize that no matter what you do, you can’t win.
The solution is very simple… We want to develop rules that cause us to feel joy and to follow through- not rules that make us feel like failures.
We want to develop rules that are achievable that make it easy to feel good and hard to feel bad.
In other words, we want to set up the game so that we can win.
You need to come up with many new ways to satisfy your rules for feeling success when you go out to meet women and make it incredibly easy to experience pleasure.
For instance, maybe just getting out the door is reason enough to feel great about yourself, regardless of what happens after. Or maybe just calling up a friend and hanging out at a bar to acclimate yourself is reason enough to feel happy, regardless of whether you did your throwaway opener or not.
The best rule I can give you is this- YOU MUST HAVE FUN!
The most empowering rule is to enjoy yourself no matter what happens!
A lot of guys forget that pickup is a process that, in order for you to ultimately succeed, must be FUN. If you take things too seriously and like a life-or-death “mission”, pretty soon you’ll decide that staying at home alone is much easier.
That doesn’t mean you can’t have grand goals, an inspirational compelling future – like having a bikini model as a girlfriend. We certainly want lofty meta-goals to pull ourselves forward, to drive us, but we must make sure that at the bottom of it all we have rules that allow us to be happy anytime we want.
So if you have set up a system of rules that causes you to feel frustrated, angry, hurt, or unsuccessful, then rewrite them in favor of clear rules for knowing when you’re happy and successful.
Your pal, Jesse