The big question most guys have for me is, “What do I say to girls when I approach them?”
Or, “What do I say, when I run out of material?”
Or, “What do I say when there’s a dip in the conversation and it feels like it’s beginning to stall out?”
And listen, this is, for the majority of guys, their number one concern and it’s probably a concern of yourself as well.
One of the problems of teaching “what to say” is that it becomes a slipper slope to a “magic pill”.
Like guys just want something in 5 minutes that will make the girl fall to her feet and start sucking his dick, so he wants the perfect thing to say. Just like women, want a diet pill that just melts away the pounds without having to lift heavy weights or eat right.
And it’s really appeasing to the male mind that different lines are like different super powers or weapons in a role playing game. You get this killer line or what to say tactic, and it’s like having the Silver Shield which give you 10 extra defense points over the copper shield. So it’s about collecting all these routines and lines to make your character more powerful. Something right out of a Final Fantasy role playing game mindset.
And it’s very quantifiable in this, “more, more, more…” kind of way.
And that way you can stay at home all day without going out, and give yourself this feeling that you’re improving anyway at home.
But the thing with canned lines, is that you can’t take a guy with NO SUCCESS with women, give him a few lines, and expect that he’s going to be having a harem of 3 bisexual girls drooling all over him. Or even to be barely competent. It’s just not going to happen if you only give a guy a few things to say.
Because then you’re coming from this “entertainer-man” frame and trying to talk about topics that entertain the women to get good reactions. And then you become that term, “the dancing monkey” where everything you’re saying is essentially to kiss the girl’s ass to get her approval, it’s a subtle form of supplication and women can detect that, that you’re saying all this canned stuff because you feel you’re lower value than them and you’ve got to impress them to make them like you. In other words, the girls are just neutral but you’re the one grasping and reaching, in neediness to make them like you.
BUT if you’re coming from a place of freedom from outcome, using breaking for rapport tonality, not trying to impress the girl, it’s really not going to matter what you say.
FIRST, girls remember very little of the overall conversation of what was said. What do they remember are the feelings.
So if you’re talking about your accounting job and numbers, what they remember is the PASSION that you conveyed for your work, not the actual facts or stories.
That’s why even talking about math can be a great conversation topic even with a hot girl, if the feelings come through from behind the words are of passion for your subject. And the girls will remember that passion, because they remember the feeling.
And they’ll remember that they had fun around you, that you were a cool guy, and that’s about it.
So what I’m saying is, there’s very little limitation as to what you can talk about. She’ll be drawn into whatever emotional state you’re in through state transference, and she’ll love you to death if you’re interested in what YOU have to say.
And you can even talk pure random gibberish to a girl and she’ll love you for it, if you’ve got passion, and emotion, and it keeps her guessing and on her toes. And she senses that you’re in NO WAY trying to impress her.
And that’s one of the best ways not to run out of things to say, is don’t be limited by it needing to make sense. You can just jump around topics like crazy, not do proper transitions, talk about shit that you’d normally think of as boring, and fractionate between logical stuff and total nonsense.
And that way, you can talk indefinitely, and the girl is trying to catch up with you, and she’s going to listen because she always wonders what you’re going to say next.
The conversational direction isn’t linear, or “goal directed” or A then B, THEN c, there’s no purpose to it other than for YOURSELF FIRST to have fun with it, and draw the girl into YOUR fun, it’s NOT to impress her and kiss her ass.
And this is a very liberating way to talk to a girl because it frees up your mind, you don’t go into your head, you don’t pressure, you don’t feel performance pressure, and it frees up your mind and body to instead focus on the FEELINGS that make you feel good.
So What Do You Say?
In terms of communication, your state and dominance is far more potent in terms of attraction, than the words you’re using.
State and dominance have existed far longer than words or ideas.
And the mistake guys make is that they basically try to do like a “sales presentation” where they list the bullet points logically of all the features and benefits to the girl of going out with them. But that backfires, because it’s supplicating and kiss-assing, and if you’re not speaking in a dominant, passionate way, the words just fall flat. Because the girls don’t care about the logic of what you’re saying, they only care about the feelings they get from you.
That’s women have done for millions of years even before language.
And what they’re trying to detect behind what you’re saying is,
Are you outside of your head, which indicates self-ease and confidence, or are you inside of your head and self-monitoring everything you’re saying to get her approval and kiss her ass?
Are you just flowing with your words without any effort to impress her, or are you carefully choosing what you’re saying to win her approval and suck up to her to make her like you?
Do you just speak with realness and authenticity, or are you going deep inside your head to try to put on a false mask to have the right thing to say at all times because you’re scared?
She’s looking if you have your own opinions and your own independent interpretations, or if you’re agreeing with everything she says in order to get approval and kiss her butt, because again you’re scared.
She’s looking for if your internal state is steady, drawn from within yourself, or if your state continually fluctuates, going up and down, based on whether she gives you approval or not.
She’s looking if you’re using breaking and neutral rapport, or if you continually are using trying-for-rapport in an effort to kiss her ass.
All of these factors have absolutely NOTHING to do with WHAT you’re saying. BUT they all convey self-ease, self-trust, and self-confidence from behind the words. And it’s that sub-communication behind the words that counts for 90% of the attraction.
And what’s attractive to the woman is when you assume that whatever you have to say is valuable and cool, simply because it’s coming from YOU and ANYTHING you say is valuable and cool. That’s what makes a cool, attractive guy.
A cool, attractive guy is not linguistically talented with his words, but he owns them. Maybe he has dumb opinions or dumb topics to talk about, but HE has his own passion behind them, and assumes his own value, and that’s what’s attractive to the girl.
In other words, what makes you attractive is not the “content” of your words, but the girl is interested in what is interesting to YOU.
And once you develop self-trust in yourself, once you become unstifled, that’s when you can simply speak your mind very easily, and the conversation just flows naturally, and in the moment. And it comes across as real and authentic, and at-ease-with-yourself to the girl.
And when you start speaking whatever comes into your head, what you’re really communicating to the girl is that you DO NOT put her on a pedestal. You do NOT see her as higher value than yourself, you see yourself as the high value person. You communicate to her that you’re a challenge and not a wuss.
Instead of trying to “micro-manage” having the right thing to say and whether it will be good enough to impress her, or grab her attention, you just allow yourself to say whatever is on your mind. And that you’re so at ease of yourself is what’s attractive to the girl.
So you want the following two beliefs.
The first is that whatever you say has value, PURELY because it’s coming directly from you and your mouth. And whatever comes from your mouth is gold.
And second, that whatever you say is interesting to the girl, not because genius content. In fact it can be sucky content, but it’s interesting to the girl because it’s what is interesting to YOU.
And once you adopt these two beliefs, suddenly you won’t run out of things to say. The words will just flow!
Your pal, Jesse