Do you ever “run out of things to say” to a girl?
Well, it doesn’t really matter WHAT you say.
It truly doesn’t.
This is from my own experience: what you say, the actual words you use, is NOT what creates the attraction.
First of all, attraction is largely nonverbal.
It’s how you stand, your posture.
It’s whether you’re using trying-for-rapport tonality or breaking rapport tonality.
It’s whether you touch the girl right away in some manner and demonstrate to her that you’re comfortable with touch escalation.
It’s whether you’re coming from a needy place of trying to impress the girl, or whether you’re just cool and calm and trust in yourself.
So it’s everything like body language, eye contact, tonality, projection, where you’re coming from… THESE are the factors that ACTUALLY convey what you’re saying to the girl.
How Men Talk
When men talk to each other it tends to be more informational. Like one guy asks a straight question, and the other guy answers. Or one guy makes a statement and the second guy adds to it.
Like, “Hey did you see that new iPad from Apple?”
And the other guys says, “Yeah I was at the Apple store last week and did this and this and that on it!”
So question and answer. Or statements that relate to each other.
That’s how men talk.
But it’s NOT how women talk.
How Women Talk
When you talk to a girl, instinctually you go in the direction of being very logical with her. And so you think to yourself, “Uh man, I need to say the ‘right thing’ that will impress her. I need to logically pull out the logical thing that will logically make her attracted to me.” Right?
But actually, women like it when what you’re saying is more all over the place, randomly disconnected, doesn’t really make sense from A to B.
Because it’s more exciting that way to girls. It keeps them guessing what you’re going to say next. You’re not trying to impress them or kiss their ass. And if you speak dominantly with breaking-rapport tonality and loud projection, it’s very attractive to women.
So more fluff talk.
Talking about what you find interesting and being passionate about that, even if it’s a “boring” topic.
Jumping around from topic to topic. And so on.
The Mistake Of Talking About What SHE Likes
Another big mistake is trying to find out what SHE likes and talking about THAT.
First of all, trying to talk about the girl’s interests to make her like you, is a subtle form of kiss-ass approval seeking.
And if you’re too interested in everything about her, she’ll pick up that you’re a “nice guy” who is needy and grasping for her approval and for sex from her.
And you have this problem of seeming incongruent. Because you’re not really interested in much of what she has to say, you’re only interested because she’s a cute girl and you want her to like you. Otherwise you wouldn’t be there wasting your time listening to her.
So if she’s talking about something stupid her friends said and did, and you don’t really care, and she goes on and on about it, and you pretend like you’re interested, you’re going to get bored.
And if you are getting bored, through state transference, the energy will fall in the room, and she’ll get bored too.
Talk About What YOU Find Interesting
So you want to stick with things that YOU find interesting, even if they’re about computers or philosophers or economics or travel, and speak with some PASSION.
When you talk about things YOU like, you never run out of things to say.
When you’re speaking with passion, through state transference, she’ll FEEL that passion. The girl wants to FEEL your passion, your leadership. And as long as you’re interested and engaged and leading the conversation, in other words charismatic, she’ll be engaged and interested as well!
And that’s why you have complete license to talk about ANYTHING. If you find it interesting to YOURSELF, and you can speak from a place of passion.
Maybe it’s your bug collection. It doesn’t matter. When you’re passionate about that, about whatever it is, that’s what makes you unique, it makes you real and authentic, and therefore CUTE.
So the topic doesn’t matter. It’s what’s coming through behind the words in your passions.
In other words, women don’t care about WHAT you like.
They just want you to like SOMETHING.
Lower Your Criteria For “What’s Good”
So that means you need to lower your criteria of what is okay to talk about.
It doesn’t need to be a string of all of these value-conveying super duper routines that you memorize.
Like you don’t want to say to the girl, “Oh yeah, last weekend I drove my ex-girlfriend who worked at a strip club to this off the hook party and I spotted Keanu Reeves there and it was off the hook…”
None of that really happened and the ex-girlfriend stripper doesn’t exist, they’re just these routines to convey your value to the girl and that you’re cool.
Just doing that is a form of kiss-assing, of approval seeking, of neediness and grasping. You don’t come across as real or authentic and you go inside your head trying to pull out “right thing to say to impress her.”
So screw that! Just say something more like, “Yeah I went to the movies last night and saw Avatar. And I was really impressed with the new technologies they used to do that. And did you know that James Cameron designed a special camera just for that movie to capture realistic movements on actors and convert that to computer graphics.”
And speak with interest and passion about it.
Speak in statements so that you’re leading and sure of yourself. T
rust whatever you say is the coolest thing on the planet.
And then jump topics, keep her guessing where you’re going.
“Oh yeah, I made this weird salad last night…”
What Random Thread Jumping Conveys
When you’re just jumping around from topic to topic, talking about what you like, what does that say about you?
Are you trying to impress her and kiss her ass?
It says that you’re completely cool being yourself, being a real guy, in front of a girl of her level of beauty.
It says you’re entitled to that and you’re confident.
So talk about what YOU like. Talk random stupid stuff. And that’s way more authentic than trying to impress the girl with how much money you make and your job or what cities you’ve been to or trying to be overly interested in what she likes.
You see now… your words don’t matter!
How To Handle Silences
Sometimes you get to that “dreaded” silence where you’re thinking to yourself, “Okay, what do I say now to impress this girl?? What do I say now to continue making her like me?? What do I say now that will be really funny and keep her continuously laughing???”
Or you have the girl pumped in the first few minutes, and then it just seems like the conversation begins to wane, lose its energy, or just transition into a normal friendly conversation where all sexual tension is lost and pretty soon it starts to feel uncomfortable.
Now, the reason guys run out of things to say or don’t know what to say next is because their mind, cranking away, is very much focused on “How am I going to IMPRESS the girl? What is the right thing to say to IMPRESS her???”
So your mind is constantly calculating out of fear, trying to force perfection to come out of your mouth, like you’re on a job interview with a very critical boss who is scrutinizing your every response.
So every one of your thoughts goes through the filter, “Is THIS cool enough to say? Nah. What about this? No, I need something cooler. What about this. Okay I’ll try that, that might impress her.”
And there’s too much delay, too much lag between your words and sentences.
And not only is everything you’re saying filtered and conservative, but it comes across as slightly stiff and forced, like you have to go back inside your head to make sure that you can impress the girl, and the girl picks up on that.
It’s a subtle form of supplication, of kissing ass, and the girl can sense that you’re stifled with her and that you see her as being higher value than yourself.
Again, It’s HOW You Speak, Not What You Say
So to get out of this rut and be able to speak with 100% confidence like a really cool guy, the first thing to understand is that HOW your speak is far more important than the actual words you’re using.
So how loud you speak, speaking in neutral and breaking rapport tonality, your eye contact, your body language, says a lot more about how attractive you are than the words you’re using, and the words are just an excuse to display these nonverbal cues.
So when you let go of trying to impress the girl, and just speak unfiltered about what YOU want or whatever comes to your mind… even if it’s how you got dressed that morning or “boring” subjects like what you ate that day…
It allows you to let go enough to focus on the nonverbals like speaking loudly, proper tonality, strong eye contact which conveys confidence and the conversation will go GREAT because the woman is reading your nonverbals behind what you’re saying.
And that’s what makes you attractive.
That, and that you’re not trying to impress her. You’re not putting her up on a pedestal.
Trying To Impress Girls Doesn’t Work
For instance, if I feel I need to impress her by talking about getting a carwash for my car, or my ex girlfriend who was a model, or my trip to Costa Rica, in effect you’re putting the girl up on a pedestal.
But if you walk about how you lost your sock in the laundry, how you ate at an Indian buffet and your stomach almost burst and what the food was like… that’s actually much STRONGER stories, because counter-intuitively they make you look much cooler.
First, they make you seem real and authentic to the girl, and that builds more trust and comfort with the girl, because you’re connecting on a real level.
And second, it tells the girl you’re not trying to impress her. In fact, you talk to hot girls all the time and it isn’t a big deal to talking to her WHATSOEVER in ANY WAY so you feel perfectly find and confident talking about any mundane, normal nonsense.
That’s why you can really lower the bar of what you can say and actually come across as far more real, authentic, and attractive to the girl.
AND it allows you to focus more on your nonverbals like proper volume, sexy tonality, and eye contact instead.
And since you’re not trying to come up with “the perfect thing to say” always, you don’t run out of things to say, because you’re lowering the bar of what’s acceptable.
And that’s win-win-win-win all the way around.
Your pal, Jesse