The 4 Reasons Why Guys Go Home Alone! (Social Anxiety And Dating Gone Wrong)

Most guys who get into meeting women drop out of it pretty quickly – usually within a month or two.

In fact, about 90% of guys don’t stick with it.

Why? Because they go about it all wrong and they get poor responses from women.

So I want to detail now the four stages of failure. Why guys fail and why they quit.

Stage 1: Drowning in Thinking

In stage 1, and this will deter half the guys within the first few days, is that they drown in thinking, thinking, thinking.

The typical guy is completely inside his head, he’s analyzing all the possibilities, it’s just a giant chess game, he’s looking for permission from everyone else to act, and he’s resisting the situation in front of him and, as a result, the first time he goes into a bar or club, he’s paralyzed completely into complete inaction.

Approach anxiety takes hold, because he’s thinking so much, about all the possibilities of failure, which just results in him constantly second guessing himself, stalling, delaying, after 5 or 10 minutes of being inside his head he becomes anxious or uncomfortable. He’s not coming from a place of fun, he’s not coming from a place of enjoyment, he’s not coming from a place of enthusiasm.

Instead, the whole thing feels like a gigantic, painful task just to say hello to anybody.

You go out enough nights like that, inside your head, stalling, can’t approach at all, and you begin to associate social situations with pressure, with anxiety, with resistance, with negative feelings and with pain.

And after a few weeks of that, the guy just quits. That’s where it ends for most guys. It’s just too painful.

Half the guys will just quit before they make a single approach. And all the other guys you never hear about, they just read some posts online and subconsciously they know that’s what’s going to happen to them too, they never even go out in the first place. They’re too scared of it, because they know they’re just going to experience pain, and its going to crush their egos that they’re not going to get anywhere.

Stage 2: Trying to Ride on the Good States of Others

This is stage 2 of failure. Now some guys will barrel through that thinking, that anxiety, the seeking for permission, the resistance – despite all of that, they will still approach a woman. They will act in spite of their anxiety. Despite themselves they will approach.

The problem is, that if you’re coming from that place and you approach a woman, your internal state, out of the 1 to 10 scale, 1 you’re completely depressed and anxious and 10 you’re in a fantastic state, you’re with the flow, no anxiety, the guy is probably like a 3 or a 4 or a 5.

He’s feeling anything from extreme anxiety to, at best feeling neutral about the approach, but most likely anxiety. He’s feeling hyper and excited.

So his internal state isn’t great. And because his internal state kind of sucks, he’s approaching a girl, not to get laid really, but to feel better about himself, to pull himself out of that crappy, anxious state.

He’s thinking to himself, “If I can get in with a group of girls, if I can get acceptance from a group of girls, I’m going to go from being anxious, to feeling whoa, yes, I got some girls to like me! I’m the man!” He’s not going to be consciously thinking that, but that’s what he’s looking for.

So he’s walking through the club, he’s looking to his left, he’s looking to his right, he’s looking for what girl or group of girls, what’s his best chance, the best target from the room that he can get acceptance from the girl, feed off of the girls’ smile and good vibes, pull himself out of that crappy state, because that’s what’s going to shoot him through the roof, make him feel good.

“If I can get a girl to say hello to me, damn I’ll feel awesome. I’ll feel so happy.” He’s scanning the room for a girl he can pull some value from, so he can pump his own state.

He’s basically like a vampire. He’s walking through the club like Dracula, he wants to put the fangs on some chick’s neck, draw that blood, that good vibe, that smile of a girl, so that he’s not feeling like a 3 or 4 or 5, but like a 10. So he can feel like, “This is awesome! I’m the man! A girl responded well to me.” He’s relying on a girl to pull his state out of anxiety and crappiness, relying on girl feedback from a girl, acceptance from a girl to massage his ego. Lift this weight of all the thinking off his shoulders. Basically trying to leech all the fun and good feelings and vibe from a girl.

He sees other people out there – the other people in the room, they are the source of good emotions. I’m a source of crap emotions, anxiety, nervous – I need to get someone else’s good emotions, I need them to make me feel good.

And because of that, that frame that he’s coming from, approach anxiety comes because he desperately needs acceptance to feel good about himself, and if he doesn’t get that acceptance he’s going to feel even shittier.

So he’ll break through all the thinking, and approach, and he will approach the girl but he’s desperate for acceptance and validation. This causes the guy to be very careful in how he approaches, causes him to speak with a very quiet, apologizing voice, causes him to be very conservative in what he’ll say or do because he’s so desperate for the girl’s approval.

He doesn’t come across as having a cool or relaxed vibe because he’s anxious and hyper and uppity from the anxiety. And he comes across as needy. And the girl can feel that neediness. So what happens to guys typically after their first approaches, is that they actually get blown out. The girls are polite maybe but they get blown out after 30 seconds, they don’t have anything to say, they get blown out because they’re being so conservative, they don’t want to mess anything up.

And he’ll get blown out 4 or 5 times in a row, confirming to himself that he’s unattractive or he’s just not good at this, or this is just too much pain to deal with.

So whereas 50% of all guys drop out before they even approach because of all the pain, now you’ve got this next group of guys who barrel through the anxiety, get a bunch of blowouts, even more pain, and then they drop out, because they don’t want to deal with it. Just getting blown out again and again, first of all they have to deal with all the anxiety, that’s a lot of pain there, then they get blown out again and again. MORE pain. And it’s just not worth it.

They get 10 approaches under their belt, and they just stop going to the club. It’s just not fun. It’s a brutal attack on their ego.

Stage 3: Rollercoaster Emotions

Stage 3 of failure. There will be a few guys, who stay in this, and push through those initial blow outs, they push through the pain, they push through the initial anxiety, and the hang in. These guys are the real sado -masochists for self-inflicted torture.

We’re getting down to the 10% of the guys who stick with it at this point, if that. They love the pain. I’m one of those guys, 10 years ago when I started out. These are exactly the steps I’ve gone through. I can see why most guys would drop out, that was fucking tough. You’ve got to really want the pussy. You’ve got to really want to get laid to hang in this far.

But with a little bit of time and some blow-outs, they learn to hide or mask their approach anxiety and neediness. They still feel it a lot, but they learn to act despite it, and they start to use pre-planned and pre-memorized routines that they find actually gets the girls to laugh and they can hold a set for 30 seconds, a minute, maybe they learn to stack some routines. Maybe can entertain a girl for 5 minutes even if it goes well. Which feels great when it happens.

But what happens to this guy. If he gets this far, where he can hide some of his approach anxiety, or repress it a little bit, and he knows a little bit about how to make a girl laugh with some routines, his internal emotions, throughout the night, are like a fucking rollercoaster.

When he starts out, he’s anxious, but he barrels through, does an approach and get gets a good response from a canned opener and a canned routine. The girls are laughing. Some initial acceptance. And what happens to the guy’s internal state? He’s soaring, he feels great about himself, he’s like “I’m the man! This shit works!”

He feels great about winning the girl’s approval; he feeds off their smile, he feeds off their fun vibe, and he feeds off their good feelings.

But look, he can’t keep the energy up. He can’t keep the high energy going. And the conversation will naturally turn to a lull. Because girls are typically not good conversationalists. Most of them. Most of the weight is on your shoulders.

And he can’t just do high energy, laughing routines blah blah blah going on forever. He’ll try to extend it on 15 or 20 minutes, try to stay in the set as long as possible to entertain the girls, keep getting their approval. And the girls will often do nothing to help you. They’ll laugh but often they don’t reciprocate so well.

And the moment you start running out of material or you’re just getting tired of the interaction, the moment things start to lull and it feels like you’re losing the girl’s attention a little bit and their approval, the guy will eject from the set. He’ll be like, “Okay, thanks girls, bye…”

Because he doesn’t want to lose the set, he wants to eject while he’s still on a high.

Or, now the guy will turn to another set of girls, use the same opener, use the same routines that got the first set of girls laughing, and now these other girls just blow him off. He’s thinking, “damn, it’s the same material I’m doing.” Now you get a blow off, you get a second blow off, and now you start feeling deflated, like “Fuck, maybe I DO suck at this.”

So, the night is an emotional roller coaster, up-down, up-down, up-down… this set of girls likes you, you can’t hold it, but at least they like you, you’re soaring high, the next set of girls blows you out. They don’t laugh at all at your stuff, and you feel like crap. Because you didn’t get their approval, you didn’t get their acceptance, you couldn’t feed off their good emotions.

So when he gets a good response, the guy inside soars. And when he gets a less than a great response, he crashes.

So this guy got through the first 10 terrible blowouts, now he’s getting a little bit of success, but he doesn’t stay in a set very long because he can’t keep the energy up, he’s hopping in and out of sets every minute or two. He’s constantly looking for approval and acceptance. He still feels the pain of approach anxiety, and his ego is getting hit, even though it’s sometimes getting validated.

But this rollercoaster of feelings of going up and down, down and up, of getting approval, getting blown out, it’s fucking exhausting. Especially if you want to keep it up for two hours, and a party can go on a lot longer than two hours. For hours, six hours of doing that?? After a few hours of this, most guys feel completely burned out and spent.

They have some good experiences, they made some girls laugh, but they also feel stressed out from constantly chasing acceptance and chasing good reactions from girls. Because they never really push they interactions beyond doing an opener, make her laugh routines. These guys never get laid either. They don’t get the real kinds of results that they want; after all, we’re here to get laid, not to just make girls giggle.

And after a few months of the emotional rollercoaster, not really getting any real results, most of the guys who made it this far, maybe a month or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 into this, they also drop out. Because it’s not worth it, they don’t get the results they want, too much pain, they don’t want to be on the rollercoaster. It’s just too exhausting.

Stage 4: Feeling Fake, The Entertainer

So we get to stage 4, some guys will stick through this emotional rollercoaster experience. They learn to adapt to the rollercoaster experience. They build up a huge arsenal of routines, tactics, and stories. They can stack on upon another, they can go on for 10, 15, 20 minutes.

And what we’re talking about is the 1% of guys who stay in it at this point. 99% of the guys out there have quit or they linger on the sidelines as keyboard jockeys on the computer talking theory. But they don’t actually go out – because it’s really too painful. I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t stick in there. But in reality, I did, but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

So the guys who remain in there, they open a girl with a canned opener, they stack routine after routine, routines designed to get positive reactions from the women. And they know from experience that they’re going to get some positive reactions.

But what happens is, after your practice this enough, over enough months, you become what’s called a response junkie. Where you’re constantly seeking good reactions from the girls, constantly seeking the girl’s approval.

And that’s what we call someone who is in the game, an “entertainer”. Or a dancing monkey, but really it’s an entertainer, where you’re pulling out all the stops. Dancing monkey, I think that’s too derogatory of a term, because those people who get this far they really did stick through this, that’s a rare person. Entertainer is more accurate really.

Where you’re pulling out all the stops to keep the girl’s attention and you’re trying hard to keep her positive at all times for like 20 minutes on end, where you’re like MTV show.

But after a year of this most guys are going to quit. First of all, they’re still experiencing approach anxiety and the pain of that, even though they can repress it. They’re still experiencing that they don’t really like this, that it’s an emotional rollercoaster, even though they can kind of control their feelings more, just from experience.

But more importantly, after you use canned routines again and again, 100 times over, 100 nights over, you just start feeling like a big fake and a phony. I mean how weird is it to walk around in a club and ask people “who lies more, men or women?” 20 times over your shoulder. You start to feel empty. If there was any joy in this at the beginning when you start getting some success, you start to lose it, it becomes dumb.

The girls can feel the incongruence in you as well. They might laugh and giggle at your routines, but they don’t get the kind of hard attraction, like “oh my god this guy is so hot, and so sexy I just want to spread my legs for the entertainer man.” Hard attraction is not sparked, they might have some light attraction but hard attraction is not sparked because she detects, the woman detected incongruence in you because you’re trying to put on this persona of an entertainer man, TV show style.

When in reality the guy who gets this far, he doesn’t want to do cutesy routines. Really deep down inside he just wants to grab the girl and fuck her. And bang her. Right? That’s the point of this.

Or he gets the subconscious belief that girls don’t really like you. They like your routines, they might giggle and smile at your routines and your entertainment, but they’re not really attracted to you. They’re not liking you just for you. Like the moment you were to drop the antics, and the game, most of them would just get bored talking with the real you after 30 seconds, and blow you out.

So you’re still not being naturally attractive. Or else if you were naturally attractive, you could just shut the fuck up, stand there mute for like a minute, give nothing to the interaction, and still have the girls chasing and pawing you down. But that’s clearly not what happens with entertainer man.

And with the entertainer, with practicing this over again and again, after a while you feel you just can’t approach a beautiful woman normally. You can’t just go up to a beautiful woman and say, “Hey, what’s up. My name’s Jesse.” And have the girl attracted just by introducing yourself normally. You feel that you HAVE to use some kind of trick to hold a girl’s attention.

That’s not being a true natural, what you want to achieve is just to be able to walk into any room, go up to any girl, say hello to her, and have her chasing you down.

So, the rollercoaster of emotions, the feeling you have to entertain to get the girl’s approval and constantly get her good reactions, you start to feel fake after a while doing all this, the girls can feel your incongruence, and guys they just don’t feel normal and they don’t have fun with it.

Even worse, this kind of pickup, it doesn’t even work! You will get a lot of girls laughing and giggling, but it doesn’t get you laid. You can go out 100 nights and maybe you’ll get laid a few times. But generally, not with the really hot girls, the top quality girls that you really want. And it just feels like fucking chore.

So there you have it – why most guys don’t make it. That’s why you want to check out the Nonverbal Sexual Mind Control program to learn game the CORRECT way.

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4 Comments on "The 4 Reasons Why Guys Go Home Alone! (Social Anxiety And Dating Gone Wrong)"

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Alejandro Bello
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Alejandro Bello

Great Jesse as usual, I like the post, alsow I like how I can see things now, because what it make stage 1 over thinking is truly social congnition. Thanks Jesse

coach ny
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coach ny
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