Why Sex With Girls Can Feel Empty – The Post-Orgasm Hangover

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Ever wonder why, after you get laid with a girl, why sex can feel so empty and unfulfilling?

And why you can spend a huge effort trying to get laid, and then when you DO get sex, afterwards it feels kind of empty and pointless?

It’s what a lot of people call the “Post-Orgasm Hangover”.

We’ve got to look at two neuro-chemicals that affect the brain. The first is Dopamine. Dopamine is that chemical that you crave, that gives you hits of pleasure.

So when you are craving an ice cream cone, you are really craving a hit of dopamine, which eating the ice-cream will give you.

When you are thinking about how great it would be to have sex with this or that girl, you are really craving a hit of dopamine, which the orgasm will give you a huge hit.

The blast of dopamine is your reward for pursuing certain behaviors like try to eat ice cream or trying to have sex with a girl and orgasm inside her.

One thing about dopamine is that it’s natural. All humans crave dopamine hits.

But dopamine is also addictive.

And orgasms are addictive. You are basically addicted to orgasm. And scientists have shown that when a man orgasms, the same areas of the brain are thrown into a frenzy in brain scans as when someone shoots heroin.

Which may sound fucked up, but it’s that literally addictive, drive in us males to fuck girls and have orgasm that keeps the human race going, and in all mammals as well. It’s the same addiction to dopamine to drive sexual reproduction and seek out pleasure and good tasting food is there.

Another characteristic of dopamine is that it wear off quickly. So you have this intense burst of pleasure, but then it quickly drops off.

So eating the ice cream cone, makes you feel awesome, hitting all your pleasure nerves momentarily, but the pleasure doesn’t last. It’s just a quick burst.

Same with orgasm. You’re with a new girl, it feels awesome boning her, your brain is looking forward to that huge rush of the orgasm, the huge rush of dopamine flooding your brain.

And then you orgasm, you have the rush, and then you crash. The momentary burst of really intense pleasure and fun is suddenly over within minutes.

Dopamine’s Other Cousin: Oxytocin

The other nearo-chemical at play is Oxytocin.

Oxytocin is the “cuddle” hormone or the “bonding” hormone that allows us to fall in love and stay in love with another human being. It makes us feel heartwarming, loving, gushy, attached. It makes us feel nurturing.

Oxytocin counteracts stress, that’s why when your girlfriend hugs you, or even a male friend were to hug you, you’d get a dose of oxytocin released in the brain, and you feel better instantly.

It’s why when you sleep in a woman’s arms, you’ll sleep better. You’re calmer. Oxytocin is released.

It’s why when you physically touch a new girl you’ve just met, you can suddenly feel bonded to her, and feel more relaxed.

It is nature’s antidepressant and anti-anxiety hormone. You feel calm. You feel a sense of connection. The world looks like a more loving place.

And if fuels pair bonding between couples, and why couples stay together and yearn for each others company and touch, even when the sexual excitement has diminished from the relationship.

The Anticipation

So back to pickup. Here’s the scenario.

You’re chasing girls doing whatever you can to get notch under your belt.

You are looking for both the dopamine of orgasm, AND you’ve looking for the long-term calming, tranquil effects of physical touch and the Oxytocin that it brings from being with a woman. So it’s the desire to cum, and also the desire to pair bond and have a girlfriend driving your forward.

So let’s say you’re at a bar, your game is improving. This kind of cute girl fancies you, and you get her number. You meet her up on a second date, and then you get over to your place.

And this whole time you are anticipating the dopamine and oxytocin benefits of being the girl, and literally the anticipation of those chemicals is so powerful, that it becomes you entire world in those moments. Like literally if youcan fuck this girl, it will be the best thing that can possibly happen to you – a dopamine orgy plus an oxytocin injection.

The Post-Orgasm Hangover

So you fuck the girl, you orgasm, and then surprise, surprise…

You feel like shit. You crash.

And instead of that delicious alivesness and thrilling anticipation you had just moments before, you feel flat, you feel depleted, you feel empty.

Sometimes you get this feeling like “Oh God, I just wish the girl would get out of here and leave me alone.” Or sometimes you feel like being on the other side of the world away from the girl.

You can feel a more general malaise of being sleepy, of being lethargic.

And you’ll feel kind of like this depression or sadness quick in, or emptiness, like, “That’s it? That’s what sex is all about?

THAT’s what I did all that effort for? THAT’s what I was anticipating!

The pickup gurus lied to me! That wasn’t that great. And now I feel like shit. And who is this slutty tramp… I don’t want her here…”

It’s that feeling of trashy, meaningless, icky, sex where you were anticipating the best day of your life.

And on, and on, and on… a lot of negativity. And most guys really actually quit pickup after their first lay or two or three, because it just feels empty to them, right at the moment specifically after they orgasm.

The Dopamine Drop-Off

What happens immediately after the orgasm, is that the dopamine drops like a lead balloon, and you immediately, or with a minute or two, lose ALL sexual interest in the girl who is laying underneath you.

The crash of dopamine is so intense, you lose so much sexual interest, that you get this icky feeling about sex now, and you want to have little or nothing to do with this girl who in reality just now feels like some strange stranger and feels really out of place being there.

Because the nerve receptors that normally respond to dopamine, suddenly become unresponsive to getting any more of it, they’ve been flooded already and they cut off, and it can take a few DAYS for them to recover.

At the same time, another neuro-hormone kicks in immediately after orgasm, called prolactin. And prolactin acts as a “sexual satiation” signal, which further depresses dopamine. It’s like the break on seeking pleasure or experiencing pleasure.

(P.S. one solution to having hot sex is to get a stunning, awesome *girlfriend*- check out my Soul Mates Formula here  for how to do this)

A One Night Stand – No Oxytocin Yet

And back to Oxytocin. If you’ve only been with the girl physically touching a few hours, maybe even just for 45 minutes, it’s enough time for Oxytocin to kick in and allow you to feel bonded with this girl yet.

You don’t feel a caring, nurturing, protective pair bond with her yet.

So post-orgasm, you have no sexual drive. In fact you’ve crashed. And you don’t give a shit for the girl as a pair bond yet, because you haven’t had enough physical cuddling or hugging with her.

And the anticipation of the dopamine high or orgasm was the only thing driving you.

So now, you’re empty of dopamine, you’re empty or oxytocin, your have no anticipation of orgasm, you have no drive.

You are literally empty of all those chemicals that you just spend the last few weeks chasing like a crazy person mad man, thinking that fucking this girl would solve all your problems, making you feel good, making you feel bonded and connected.

But post that first orgasm, you’re going to feel just the opposite. And you’re going to feel like shit. Like you just did icky, empty, meaningless sex with a meat puppet that’s not even a real human being.

And then you’re going to be like “Fuck the game, fuck girls, fuck pickup, fuck all this shit, it’s a big lie. What’s the meaning of my life!!” And all that stuff.

The Solution

So here’s a tip so that you don’t have these highs and lows and you’re not crashing and feeling like crap.

Going out to meet girls shouldn’t just be about the orgasm and cumming.

Going out should just be to approach, meet people, not having expectations, but just having FUN.

Where meeting people is the goal.

NOT the jerking yourself into a girl’s pussy, because cumming inside a girl will not bring you long term happiness.

So just be aware of how the anticipation of that dopamine hit and oxycotin hit drives you, and how you have to take a pro-active stance on managing who these powerful drugs are going to affect your brain so that you can avoid these terrible crashes that will make you feel just negative right off orgasm, particularly with a new girl.

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24 Comments on "Why Sex With Girls Can Feel Empty – The Post-Orgasm Hangover"

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guy
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i still really enjoy the giddy feeling i get after approaching a random girl out and about…. its almost as good as the sex… well kind of hehee

Kali
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Kali

Thanks so much for this post! I really like the term “Post-Orgasm Hangover” because hearing that I have “post-coital depression” makes me feel awful (though it seems pretty accurate). This information might help me navigate a bit.

Journalistgirl
Guest
Journalistgirl

Hey Jesse,
Great post. I am curious where you have found the science/research behind this.

Gavin
Guest
Gavin

Man this is great, i’ve searched forever for my problem and havent found it. i was miserable sleeping with ggirls – i dont make it about my own pleasure either, i focus 100% on her pleasure.. but it felt empty. this all makes so much sense, thanks man 🙂

meow
Guest
meow

BTW, I love your website.

meow
Guest
meow

Popular media portrays “The Post-Orgasm Hangover” a woman’s issue. Interesting.

Bobby Martin
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Bobby Martin

I never feel that way with women

cheeky mary
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cheeky mary

oh my Gosh, I must be a man because I feel this way even if I’m with someone I’m in love with!!!

Journalistgirl
Guest
Journalistgirl

yes same for girls if they come on the clit. all other orgasms are okay (g-spot, vaginal, cervix). As soon as the contractions and the pumping starts it´s too late.

Anonymous
Guest
Anonymous

Do men sometimes even feel this way with their own wives/significant others? You know, women they generally love,respect and care about? Or is it only if they have no real respect or feelings for the person they have slept with?

Sean
Guest
Sean

I def crash completely after orgasm. And a lot of times I just want the girl to leave. But what really is the solution? I feel like you didn’t really present one. I mean you pretty much have to have an orgasm in sex or its pointless. But then you always just feel tired as fuck afterwards….

Ric
Guest
Ric

I can totally relate to the crash, however that has never stopped for wanting to fuck the same chick again. I just need some time to see her again, like 2 weeks or so.

Ahmed
Guest
Ahmed

you’re one step away from tantra/karezza sex.
if enough people would know about this method of making love, there will be abundance of all good things in the world.
but it was forgotten. TV,media, magazines, corporations gave us a false image of sex/relationships/marriage and people no longer fully enjoy themselves, even in bedroom.
Sex is repressed on one hand(church, politicians) and gloryfied commercialized on the other (media, movies). There is no room for truly deep and free love making , once a fundament of hippie movement. osho is perfectly right on this subject, watch his videos, you’ll change the way you look at many things..

krauser
Guest

Excellent piece and I fully agree. It is probably worth mentioning emotional / mental connection too, as this is a palliative against the negative feelings. If you genuinely respect the girl you are with then even during the post-coital slump, you are mentally comfortable to have her there, even though your body chemistry isn’t feeling it.

I give my take on it here: http://krauserpua.com/2011/11/15/creeping-death-2-frenzied-animal-couplings/

Dagonet
Guest
Dagonet

Wonderful post. Thanks for this, Jesse.

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