In this video, I want to talk about the Ashley Madison scandal.
Do these guys deserve to be outed out as cheaters and possibly get divorced and have their lives ruined or severely disrupted? Or is this a company that’s taken advantage of these men and the company deserves to be punished and this is a moral crime?
Now the scandal is basically that 37 accounts were outed hacked at AshleyMadison.com, revealing real names, revealing real email addresses, revealing real physical addresses and credit card information. This was a site for having affairs for cheating outside of your marriage.
One of the interesting things that they found is that 95 percent of the accounts were for men. And of the 5 percent of the accounts that were for women, 95 percent of those were all fake accounts created by AshleyMadison.com with fake pictures and fake profiles just to kind of create this fantasy for guys and keep guys paying, putting their money into the site every month and thinking that they’re going to get laid when in reality, most of these women are not women at all. They’re just bots or other dudes on there.
In the one sense, this company is exploiting these men, taking them as dupes, taking their money, creating fake accounts. But it also shows that most guys are really horny, desperate. They don’t even care if it’s a sausage factory or a cock feast like Ashley Madison where there’s only one woman to every hundred guys.
These guys actually on the site are pretty lazy. They could be learning pickup, learning how to approach girls, learning how to self-improve themselves, going to the gym, looking better and meet women that way. But they’d rather just have this magic bullet, sit in their chair at their computer, pay a fee, and have the girls come to them, which is just an utter nonsense. This is utter fantasy.
Reflection of the larger culture
It’s a reflection of our magic bullet culture where instead of going to the gym and eating healthy, they’re going to take a diet pill like a caffeine pill or a fat-burning pill. Instead of going to be gym, eating healthier, losing some of the weight, you’re going to take pills for having high blood pressure or hypertension.
Instead of again eating well, getting testosterone through more natural ways like hitting the gym and being thin, you’re going to take an erectile dysfunctional pill like Viagra, all kinds of magic pills in our society. Instead of reading a good book and learning something, you’re just going to turn on the television, take zero effort at all and then you can be stimulated. You could be entertained that way.
This is just an extension of that kind of a culture where instead of improving yourself and going through things the hard way but the right way that will actually bring you results, you’re going to look for this cheap magic pill solution.
Apparently, millions of guys aren’t going to go that route. I really see this as it’s not really the man on the site. They’re not victims, but they shouldn’t necessarily be punished either because this is versus the company versus this is really a reflection of each other. I mean these men on the site and the company, the people who are running the site and taking advantage of them, they’re like a mirror reflection.
You have millions of guys that are horny, desperate, needy, or lazy. Don’t really want to improve themselves, don’t want to take the right road or the hard road. They’re willing to throw money at someone who will give them a magic pill solution, so of course where there’s a market demand for something, there will be other people that will be there to fill that need.
So along comes Ashley Madison. They’re saying, “Okay, millions of men want to pay us money to create this little fantasy for them. That’s what they want. We’ll give it to them.”
It’s true that that’s what these men want because even after this scandal, this hack broke, and Ashley Madison got all this free publicity and it’s even come out that it’s like a hundred guys to every girl and a lot of the female profiles are fake.
Well, guess what? Sign-up rates have actually increased. Sign-up rates have actually skyrocketed, so even when men know that they can be outed or their identity can be outed, that maybe it’s not as secure as they thought, even though it’s a total sausage feast, there’s a hundred guys to every girl, there’s more men signing up for this than ever.
How can you really say that these men are victims being exploited by this company where really this is a dialectical relationship where the two feed off each other, the two magnify each other? They’re kind of like two heads of the same monster, and this monster is basically this rot in our society where people think that they can just do everything through a magic pill, be lazy, not want to be pushed into their comfort zone. As a result, they come across as looking really gullible and they’re exploited by people that will take advantage of them.
The question is do these men deserve to be punished? Do they deserve to be outed? Do they deserve to be shamed for seeking infidelity outside their marriage?
Are men monogamous or not…
Well, first of all there’s a couple of things to keep in mind. Ninety-seven percent of mammal species are shown not to be monogamous, both the males cheat and the females cheat. When you see primitive societies for example, about 10 percent to 20 percent of the children when they do DNA tests on them, actually the children don’t belong to the father that they think they belong to, so there’s a lot of cheating going on with the women.
But there’s also this male drive, having a lot of testosterone, to want to spread their genetic seed far and wide to many different women. Actually, this is what keeps our species going in a sense. This male drive to take action and seek many different women is what creates expansion of the human population.
It’s what kept us alive through many millennia, through hard times whereas all human beings were as passive as women are, we wouldn’t have spread across the Earth and populated the Earth and so forth. It’s that male drive to take action, to push forward, to really struggle with the goal of spreading their genes that drives our species forward as fast as it’s being driven.
Why monogamy exists at all
Now men also have a tendency to monogamy. The simple evolutionary reason for this is because when there’s no monogamy, there’s actually a really high rate of infanticide. For example, in lion packs there will be a head male that will impregnate his harem of lionesses, but if another lion comes in and can pick off one of the females or get rid of the alpha male, he’ll actually kill the cubs. He’ll kill the cubs and then re-impregnate the females.
The same happens in human populations. When you don’t have the strong male figure there to protect the woman, to protect the children, it’s so easy for another male to come in and simply kill off the babies and just start again with the woman because first of all, there’s a long gestation period of human beings. The child has to be in the womb for 9 months, and then has to spend years growing up before that child can actually contribute to society.
It’s in the interest of another male to come in and kill that child and just start again, but it’s not efficient either because the female has to get impregnated again, has to go through the 9 months of pregnancy all over again, has to raise another child. That’s not an efficient way to conserve resources.
There is this tendency of males to want to stick around, protect his children, see his children grow up, see that his progeny, his genes are successful. At the same time, the male is pulled to spread his genes to other women if he can do it quickly and easily.
People get freaked out when they hear about infidelity and marriage as if people are supposed to stay true for 50 years through a marriage and not desire anyone outside of it, which is not very realistic historically.
Marriage in history
First of all in the past, even just a scant 100 years ago, most people didn’t live that long, and just by statistical chance either the male would die early or the female would die early. Often the female would die in childbirth or the male would be hurt in an accident, get an infection, and die from the infection. Marriages lasted typically 5 to 10 years, and people experienced serial monogamy where they would have many different partners over a lifetime for variety.
As well as higher status males with more resources at their disposal would often be in an arranged marriage where two families would come together and say you’re going to marry her and you’re going to have offspring with her. But he’d also have other women on the side. He’d have other lovers or courtesans on the side. He might have a couple of illegitimate children. This was seen as perfectly acceptable.
It was seen as acceptable that the male would have urges to have sex with other women and to spread his seed far and wife. The family of the male would see that as a good thing because they’re also populating their own genes to more women as well.
Mass media and marriage
This modern definition of marriage, of perfect monogamy over 50 years is actually very new, kindly partly with the advent of film and television and mass media.
With the advent of mass media and film and television, they want to sell advertisements to as many people as possible, so they want to make something mainstream, which means it’s very safe. It’s not controversial at all, and they can get as many eyeballs on them as possible, as many eyeballs on their ads, as many eyeballs watching their film as they can.
You get the Disneyfication of relationships, this kind of idea you have a young man and a young woman and they meet and they fall in love, and they get together as boyfriend and girlfriend and that’s it, and that’s happily ever after.
That kind of uplifts the audience, gives you a nice little feeling, sells a good movie, but that thing, it’s repeated again and again and again. It eventually becomes this culturally accepted idea that men and women are when they find each other will be sexually fulfilled and sexually happy forever. But that’s a very relatively new concept that arose with the mass media.
Contradictions and confusion
As a result, you get this confusion in our society where men and women sign up for marriage but then they’re feeling these other urges and maybe they signed up for something like Ashley Madison because they’re basically confused because on the one hand, yeah marriage I want to be faithful in everything. But then, they want to take out their natural animal urges in certain ways at certain times, maybe on a website like that.
It really expresses itself, this contradiction in particular cases, for example the Josh Duggar case. This guy is the head of the Family Research Council or some organization like that where homosexuals are going to hell, but not only that. But if you have sex outside of your marriage, you’re going to hell, and even watching pornography, you can go to hell. You can be punished by God. Even coveting another man’s wife is a sin and can put you into hell unless you repent.
Even though this guy was one of the heads of this organization espousing this view in public, in private he was doing something completely different. He actually had multiple Ashley Madison accounts. He had spent thousands of dollars. He spent $250 for something called an affair guarantee, and he had a bunch of different sexual turn-ons in his profile, which included experimenting with sex toys, having one-night stands, sharing fantasies, having sex talks.
This is a perfect case where he has this natural biological urge to have spread his genes, to have sexual variety. Yet this very powerful cultural conditioning, this Disneyfication, in this case particularly Disneyfication plus Christianity creating a very rigid model about what’s acceptable and what’s natural to be feeling.
But everybody has this conflict to some degree. We have two sides of ourselves: the cultural conditioning and then our biological urges. So a lot of men feel confused and a lot of women feel confused as well.
What it all means
My particular view, my take away from this is to have more sympathy for human beings that we hold ourselves to really high standards or not even high standards but kind of false standards generated by the mainstream that just wants to sell something really safe. Indoctrinate you with particular message about relationships that will sell advertisements to get eyeballs but doesn’t necessarily reflect reality. That mammals in general are not particularly monogamous and these two conflicts in people one it’s advantageous to be monogamous and in another sense, it’s advantageous to seek sexual variety. They’re both perfectly natural. They’re both in us and have some sympathy about that.
For some men with very, very high sex drives, it probably doesn’t make sense for them to get married or even have a girlfriend. If they are going to do that, to look into alternative kind of lifestyles like swinging for example or maybe doing pickup with your girl, to pick up other women or at least to have the talk where you’re going to talk with your significant other that these are kind of natural urges. It’s not necessarily the end of the world if something happens, maybe work out a solution.
Of course, it’s really crazy because these genetic pulls, these genetic conflicts inside of our heads, for example you could say, “Okay, solution. We’ll just swing. We’re a couple. We want sexual variety. We’re going to swing with other couples.”
Well, it’s not that easy. That looks neat and elegant on the surface, but again it comes back to these biological drive and men also to have monogamy, to protect the female, so she doesn’t get impregnated by another man.
A lot of men, that’s going to arouse jealousy. They’re not going to want to see their woman be with another man or even another woman to pick up threesomes with because that’s going to arouse too much jealousy, so they lock the woman down. They protect her.
They wall her off from the rest of the sexual competition, and at the same time, they’re walling themselves off. They’re kind of boxing themselves in. Yet they have these sexual drives to meet girls, so then they go try to cheat very quietly, very discreetly, and it just kind of creates a mess.
You got to look at each couple or each individual individually and not be so judging, try to create solution for every person, be open-minded, and not say that you really can’t say that all these men deserve divorce, they all deserve what’s coming to them. Because they’re just acting on their biological drives and at the same time being duped by a message of cultural conditioning, a certain Disneyfication of beliefs.
At the same time, a lot of these guys are probably just lazy. They don’t want to self-improve themselves. They just want the magic bullet solution, which is also promoted by our culture, that you can take a pill for anything that you can just make a purchase and solve any problem, even these complex problems of wanting sexual variety.
Okay, so that was a more complicated topic than usual. It has many facets to it, a lot of the grey areas, but I think I’ve covered a couple of concepts there.