How do you deal with your jealousy?

taf · Apr 26, 2007

So a few weeks ago my gfriend went for lunch with a friend of hers. She asked me if I wanted to join them (something she never did before) but I didn't want to. I trust her and honestly didn't think much about it until I saw the thread here from justflossin.

After she told me about lunch we talked about it. I asked if she's attracted to him and so forth, she said no. Admitted he's attracted to her, flirts with her, they talk about sex, and in the past even asked her if she'd be his fuck buddy (she said no). She doesn't see him often and was just meeting with him as he got back from China and brought a little gift for her. Her past relationship was with a controlling guy and honestly, I'm pretty laid back about these things. I trust her and if she ever did cheat on me, fuck us both but better to figure that out now rather than later.

Anyway, my reaction was basically to just tease her about "her fuck buddy" and jokingly let her know that I now have the right to have 2 fuck buddies myself. She's sensitive already because I keep in contact with girls I've dated that she knows I'm attracted to and vice versa.

I don't like these jealous feelings I've got, I know it means I like this girl but it's clouding my better judgement. Trust is a very important thing for me in a relationship and I don't want to limit her, it's my own insecurities if I do.

Any thoughts/comments?

Smashbug · Apr 26, 2007

If she likes controlling guys... control her.

or:

"I'm not a jealous person, but sometimes I worry you're going to cheat on me. Trust is very important to me. I've never felt jealous before, sometimes you create feelings inside me and you have no idea how powerful they are. I like you waaaaaay too much. These feelings are so intense... it scares me. Sometimes I think I can't be with you."

Let's her know you value trust, let's her feel great because she can create such powerful feelings in you, let's her know that you're not a sure thing so she better make smart choices.

Smashbug · Apr 26, 2007

Okay, Teddytao called me out as an AFC with this bit of advice, so I thought I'd elaborate. Maybe my idea came off all wonky. I've used it before with good effect, because it's classic push-pull ("I like you too much... I don't think I can be with you.")

Here's where I got the inspiratin. Mods, delete this if posting an article from another forum is not allowed, but Zan wrote:

I don't know if this has been suggested before. I have read most of TFM and lots of the archive and don't remember seeing anything like it, so I'm sorry if this is not new.

(Subconscious interjection: Move through life without apology, Zan!)

Wait a minute! I take that apology back.

I haven't heard anyone mention something like this but IME, it is a very powerful technique. Here is the essence of it: Profess your undying affection and devotion to the girl - and then NEXT her.

When to use this? When you have seen her several times, you have had great rapport, but now it feels like she is starting to flake. If your thing with a girl was hot at one time (she tongued you down, lots of EV and talking, etc), but now you sense the whole thing is starting to drift towards LJBF land, and you have nothing else to lose, try this. It just might help to resurrect a moribund relationship with a girl.

Or if you really like a girl but you have done some stupid AFC moves (and who among us haven't?) and she is starting to lose interest, try this.

I have used this before to devastating effect. It sounds very AFC at first blush, but hear me out. Notice the difference between these two paragraphs (which I just made up and are cheesy, but it's just to illustrate what I mean):

AFC : I think about you day and night. You are so beautiful and I adore you. I can't wait to see you again.

PUA : I think about you day and night. You are so beautiful and I adore you. But now I must go. You have touched me on a very deep level and it is more than I can bear. I am helpless before other women and I will only hurt you and myself. I can't see you anymore.

Say the first phrase to a girl and she thinks "Ha ha, I have a yappy new lapdog. Buy me dinner!" Zero challenge; she has already won.

Say the second phrase and it throws her into a whirlwind of emotions. Her whole world becomes the cover of a romance novel. Her nurturing instinct kicks into high gear (after all, you are a victim of your desires and she must save you). She knows she is about to lose you. And she senses that you are about to run to the arms of ten other women for comfort.

It is very powerful. But the key is that she has to know that you really mean it. It has to be believable. You are *really* not going to see her anymore. And you should believe it too. After all, it was going cold already anyway and she was probably going to LJBF you.

And this is important - say it and then split. Get the hell out of Dodge. What I have found is that in a lot of cases, she will become obsessed with you. You will be bombarded with emails and phone calls from her. It is almost impossible for her to resist this challenge.

She almost certainly will try to coax you back. But only if you do this move while your rapport is still fairly strong and things are still going reasonably well between you two when you ditch her.

And when she contacts you, you must remain congruent and never let her feel she has you. From this point on. And the beauty is that you *can* go back to seeing her, but now you are the one with value. You are the prize. And you are the one that appears ready to leave at any moment. She WILL work to keep you.

And you have established the fact that you see other women and you can't help it. And she can't complain about this because you told her the way you are and that she might get hurt. But she still wants you anyway.

I pulled this on a girl recently. We were making out and I was kissing her neck and stuff and we were both feeling really good.

Using a poem from the manual (and slightly altering it), I said something like:

ME: (kissing her neck and talking very slowly) You know what I am, HB ? I am your teardrop... I was conceived in your heart... I was born in your eyes... I live on your cheeks... and I will die on your lips.

Then while lightly kissing her lips, I said some variation of the adoration / Nexting phrase I mentioned earlier. And then I got up and took off.

This girl was almost certainly going to flake out on me, but now she calls me every night, wants to see me, understands that she is not exclusive, wants to save me, etc.

In fact, I have used this as a way to establish almost every one of my MLTRs .

Try it...

So my advice wasn't to confess all kinds of needy AFC emotions, but to show a touch of genuine feeling (jealousy... not being used to feeling it) and confess your powerful emotions, then REALLY STRESS that you guys shouldn't be together.

Rereading this article has shown me how to use this to better effect.

AK81 · Apr 26, 2007

HAHAHAHHAHAHHAH ... Jesus. I just used this today!

I knew I read it somewhere, I just forgot where. Yeah, it works just fine.

The Shark

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Diamond_Cutter · Apr 27, 2007

I didn't even read your quote from someone else but I've read your concept before here. I've tried it too. Someone posted a really good scene. It's called objecting to your own advances or something along those lines.

But I think the concept your describing is what the post was a long time ago on here. I think he was saying her hair is so pretty but then saying oh...this will never work...then start playing with her hair

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