She's talking marriage and kids

My girlfriend has started subtly introducing marriage and kids into our conversations. Since I didn't say anything when it was subtle that was her invitation to openly start talking about it.

Normally, many guys would say get out of there. This girl is trying to trap you, etc. But keep something in mind. This girl is serious for me. I want to marry her too. But...I don't want to talk about this stuff so early on. When you talk about everything in the future it kinds of kills the fun we are having in the moment and just being spontaneous about everything. I'm sure you guys can understand my reasoning but how do I explain this to my girl without hurting her or getting her worried that I'm not in it for the long term?

Now that I have let her talk about marriage and kids openly with me, what is the best way to get her to stop or slow down significantly?

Yes, I love her and I do enjoy talking about these things with her (right now) but I feel talking about these things might hurt the relationship moving forward. I don't know if I can explain in woman's terms how this might hurt it though which is what I need some of your guys help with.

Thanks,

-Bluesky

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ok

You have to make sure she knows that you are in no hurry and then you have some goals to achieve. She has to understand you have a plan and that she can either be a part of this plan or not.

Early on it is dangerous to share too much with a ShortTR but as you move into LTR it is almost required so that you can communicate. As far as marriage I would keep that a separate conversation as having kids. As you know getting married requires some financial and alot of emotional investment. When you have kids you just crossed the threshold to commiting most if not all of you financial and emotional resources. I would suggest waiting a few years after marriage before committing to that level.

You should be able to have a discussion with her about this and make her understand you want the relationship to last before you introduce kids to the mix. They are always stess levels that are increased after kids. This is because of many factors, emotional, financial, physical etc.

Also, once you separate the marriage from the kids conversation it is much easier to separate the marriage from the living together conversation. This is what I think should happen for a year or two before you consider marriage. If she balks then play the "I just want our relationship to last" conversation "because as you know most relationships(marriages) fail nowdays".

good luck

Damn Karea! Harsh with a brother aren't you? Huge inner game problem? Definitely not. My inner game is tighter than its ever been. My woman knows I am the leader, but being the leader in the relationship is still new ground for me. In my previous LTR we were more neutral rather than me taking charge. So while I am focused on being the leader, sometimes I think need to think out my actions and words before I speak to her. Thus the threads I create in this forum.

This has nothing to do with fear, but rather realizing that I happily engaged in a conversation about marriage and kids with her. Only later realizing the potential damaging effects of doing this so early on in our relationship. So to her it can be misleading how happy I was talking about it last week and this week talking about how we shouldn't discuss it any longer.

As far as insecurity...yes I agree my previous threads did sound insecure. I was afraid at first of being in a relationship instead of laying so many women. Then after being in the relationship, I was worried about becoming AFC. These feelings stemmed from me being in one LTR for most of my life, so there was some resistance from my mind to get into another LTR.

Most of these feelings have passed. We are much tighter in our relationship and I have taken charge as a man should. I tell her what I want and I tell her what is unacceptable to me. She listens because she respects me.

BTW, how are things with your girl? Is she still traveling with you?

I appreciate your thoughts.

-Bluesky

Yes, you are right about this. I did get these feelings in the beginning and they occasionally pop up in my head when things are not going great in my life (right now having some issues with career).

OMG! Did people think I was serious? I was totalling kidding! Anyone who is threatened by a bum is damn insecure! Your right about that. I'm not one of those guys. A bum did say the "Tennessee" thing to my girl, but I was kidding about being insecure about it. Funny!

Great! Glad to hear things are going so well. Things are excellent for me as well. I just like to talk alot of things out with the guys on this forum.

Thanks for the advice. I think I will just be direct with my girl and tell her how I see it rather coming up with a smoke screen or "magic" words.

-Bluesky

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hmm

Alaskamana, I am not sure as I am still wiping sleep from my eyes but it seems as if you either think people that settle for LTRs are AFC or you think the Bluesky is because he found a girl he thinks can be a LTR??? Please explain.

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That makes sense. I have to admit I have not kept up with the progression of his relationship or his actions. Too much going on in my life to read every thread right now.

Right On Karea & AKM

Karea hit the nail on the head. It's an inner game issue. Bluesky hasn't patched that up yet, but he's learned how to run game. He ran game on AKM and Karea just in the way he denied what they said. It had a very "deliberate" ring to it. I made that same mistake with my ex, the first woman I ever felt REAL chemistry with. And the worst part of it all is I THOUGHT I had worked everything out and was truly alpha. This stuff has a way of sneaking up on you. I'm afraid that maybe it takes that collapse like Karea had, and now I'm having, and Bluesky is probably headed for, before you can pick up the pieces and continue to grow. But to be flat out honest Bluesky, I say bullshit to the fact that you were just joking on the hobo thread. I think you were using humor to subtly express a real fear. Just please be careful, my friend. You're obviosuly a sincere and good person.

Cyrano...first I want you to know I appreciate your thoughts and feedback. When it comes to sex and relationships I respect your opinion.

While I'm a very confident man at the moment, your right about inner game issues being able to sneak up on you when you least expect it. Right now, I am having some issues with my career which are affecting my alpha male mentality to some degree. When I say to some degree its more about my moods when I am with my girl. I'm not as relaxed and social as I was when I met her because I'm stressing about my career, but I don't think she has picked up on it. I still push myself to be social with her friends and the world when we are out.

Honestly speaking, I know I deserve my girl just as much as she deserves me. I don't put her on a pedestal. I bust on her, I love her, I sex her, I take care of her, and I tell her when I'm not happy with her behavior. She continues to tell me I am the best thing that has ever happened to her. She can't imagine life without me. While I feel these things too, I refrain from telling her all these things. Of course I tell her I miss her, and that I love her, and even send her lovey dovey text messages. However, I don't want to go overboard with her and get her thinking I'm some sort of needy guy. Honestly I'm not that needy AFC guy. If you guys think differently based on my posts/threads then you are entitled to your opinion.

Karea and AKM are right about me not having the experience under my belt. My first girlfriend (and then wife) was a 10 in looks which is why I probably stuck with her as long as I did. While I had only 3 lays in the 7 months, I did have numerous makeouts, and many with super hot women. I made out with a super hot blonde after gaming her at the bar. This blonde was the kind with the perfect body, the perfect face, and I had my hads all over her and my tongue down her throat for 5 minutes straight. This wasn't luck, but purely because of my game. She was the kind of hottie who would be a centerfold on Playboy. I'm not bragging (well maybe a little... ), but just trying to emphasize that I have had a chance to get "it" out of my system.

I realized after my last lay with HB Russian that I wanted more than just lays. She was hot and young (22 years old) and after I fucked her, I wanted her out of my bed and life. It was fun while it lasted (1 month), but I felt empty and alone after sex with her. There was no connection. Eventhough she text me after saying "I want to have sex with you", as SHS knows, I didn't want to go there. I knew at that point, I needed a good woman whom I connected with on a spiritual and intellectual level. I have found that with my girlfriend.

Cyrano...thanks for the analysis, but the hobo thing was truly a joke. He didn't really come on to my girl. It was more of a compliment to my girl, and I took this as a compliment to myself for getting a woman of this caliber, keeping her, and getting her to fall head over heels in love with me.

Thanks guys. I appreciate all the time you guys took to help me with this.

-Bluesky

You know I am not really able to give old fart some advice, but from reading your posts and the advice that K, AKM, and Cyrano gave to you and your replies to your advice. It seems your just making excuses to what really is your problem which is your insecurity.

Karea can be really harsh at times but he says things that tend to be true. Considering how long he's been doing this stuff alot of his feedback is from direct experience in the field. I would know because the advice he has given me since I joined the forums through threads, and through pms are dead on so whatever he says I tend to trust.

If you notice when he said you didn't have experience with a 10, you then said your first gf was a ten so you brushed off his analysis. Then you talk about incidents to refute your lack of experiences with hot girls by telling us of your make outs.

Then you blame your career for not being "alpha". Is that really the main reason? I could use school as an excuse just the same thing. I am not trying to chew you out, but what you wanted was good constructive feedback and you got it from Karea, and Cyrano.

I may not be anywhere near you guys with gaming girs but what made me improve so much in such a short time was listen to guy more experiened than me(and not take critcism to heart - were all here to learn)and keep getting better.It is like you playing piano and your teacher is saying your piece is wrong at XYZ, but you refute your piano teachers advice and say well I like my interpretation more.

It seems your trying to "prove something to us" by listing all your accomplishments wiht woman. Sure it is great that you got more woman in your life but what is there really to prove - to guys on a forum you barely know? Take my situation, from all that work I did since june 2007 I still don't have a lay, which is kind of pathetic now I think of it. Yet I don't give a damn, what is there to prove? Style said the same thing, "there is nothing to prove to anyone, not to your family, your friends, or guys on a forum you don't even know." What your doing with woman is for yourself and yourself only and K is giving sound advice to really help you.

It is like you playing piano and your teacher is saying your piece is wrong at XYZ, but you refute your piano teachers advice and say well I like my interpretation more.

Considering how much you helped my game old fart do yourself a favour and place your trust in Ks advice. He is probably dead on.

-Duo

Cyrano truly you have some great advice. When you said you used woman as validating yourself and your own self worth. I can totally relate to that on some level and many guys on this board and MANY in the commmunity. They put so much emphasis on sarging and finding girls that they place all their happiness on girls which is really a wrong way to look at things. True humans like ourselves try to validate their self worth through alot of things like school, success, careers, money, fame etc but all of those including woman are external forms of validiation and when peoople equate their happiness to external things then problems start to arise. Happiness should be intrinsically found.

Let me ask you BS, from the threads you recently posted where you mention all these great things about her and she is social and that you don't do anything besides go to work(career) and her. What other things do you have in your life that gives you pleasure besides her? What extracurricular hobbies apart from woman, be it music, sports, that you can get real joy from that is not equated with her? Style is bang on when he said "make an attractive lifestyle(where your an interesting guy with tons of stuff going on in his life where these things arent related to girls, sarging or the community), and the girls will come."

-Duo

I appreciate your feedback Duo, but I must say that while I respect Karea, Cyrano, SHS, and AKM what they are describing for me is not true. I'm not an egoist. You've seen me spill my guts on this forum before. Hell, I've told you all I couldn't get my woody up and resorted to Viagra. My point is that I'm being honest with you guys.

I have a number of things I'm dealing with at the moment that don't have to do with my girl but could affect the relationship. I am dealing with the financial aspect of my divorce (eventhough I am single, the court is still handling distribution of our financial assets and I'm not sure what I'm getting yet), I'm dealing with the sudden passing of one of my parents (3 months ago) and handling of all the affairs related, and living in two places every week (staying with my other parent until comfortable to be alone). All this on top of trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life (career wise) while being in my mid 30's.

Trust me guys, when I say this has very little to do with me not feeling I deserve my 10 girlfriend. I am the first to listen to you guys and often have the "OMG" revelations when I read your posts. While the advice is good, its not suited for me because its not the situation I am in.

Yes, I have some insecurities, but to be honest my insecurities right now stem from my lack of career direction. I don't discuss these worries with my girlfriend because me not having a mission at the moment (read from David Deida) would be a turn off to my successful girlfriend.

I don't want to spend any more time with this, but again thank you for your guys analysis.

Its appreciated.

-Bluesky

Thanks Carl Jung!

I wholeheartedley agree with you in terms of Karea's experience, but I think you can apply his experience almost directly to pickup but when it comes to relationships there are always so many different variables. Yes, he has experience in relationships but it doesn't mean it will directly apply to my relationship. There are so many factors in the mix which sometimes cannot be expressed in these threads/posts. What I am saying is that while Karea's advice is almost always good, it doesn't mean its always true for every individual.

I just wanted an excuse to brag about making out with a Playboy model! Ok, I'm a loser!

Duo, please reread my thread called "I've never felt so shitty" and tell me if I'm trying to "prove" something to the guys on this forum. I've been completely honest and forthright from day one.

When I felt like I was a overweight loser who couldn't get his dick I told you guys. When I felt like a rockstar who could get any girl attracted to him I told you guys. When I have relationships questions I ask you guys. When I have advice to offer based on my experiences, I give it. Plain and simple.

Take care,

-Bluesky

-Duo[/QUOTE]

Sweet, it's serious talk. Count me in. But fuck, I'm drunk, and it's a miracle that i'm not drunk dialing bluesky.

So much for serious talk.

AAAAAArgh. Maybe I'll redeem myself tomorrow. OOOH, I got spell check on when I type. SWEEEET.

AK

ps get a hold of me tomorrow, and make me give you an actual answer. I should be banned for spaming like this.

pps I'm really fat too.