You know why most guys can’t get dates?

Because they try to get dates.

You think I’m going to talk to you about some Buddhist you-can’t-get-what-you-most-want thing here, and I am, in a way.

Just not the way you expect it.

Listen, if you set yourself up in a “date” situation, you’re setting yourself up for failure.  You’re giving her an opportunity to say no.  Even if you get the “yes,” you are setting yourself for an awkward encounter.

Most of all, you’re setting yourself up for judgment.

That’s not we do here in seduction science land.

You don’t want to activate her rational mind – you’re just asking for a whole slew of bad things to happen.

Her rational mind is the one that goes about picking mates.  And unless you REALLY like spending months unsatisfied and a large floral bill, that isn’t the way to go.

You can start a relationship with a girl WITHOUT all that if you want… and you can have a purely physical relationship with a girl without all that, if you want.  You have to trigger her on an emotional level.  An attraction level.

And that means, NO DATES.  The world’s a funny place.

So what do you do instead?  You go on INSTANT dates.

Let me explain.

If you’re conversing with a girl and everything is going well, LEAD her somewhere.  It can just be across the room, but LEADING is a powerful thing.  More than you’d ever guess.

Say “Hey, I want to show you something.”  Or “I want to tell you something.”  Take her hand – if she returns a squeeze you know you’re in – and then have a little nugget ready to legitimize your leading.  It can be a silly prop you carry with you, or a charming line you’ve worked out, just make sure it isn’t TOO corny.  Be the good boy scout we all know you are, and be prepared for this.

By the way, if you’ve made out a little by this point, that’s a teeny help.  As you might imagine.

If you feel a little strange doing this leading, then get her ready to accept it.  How?  Get her saying yes.

“Do you like to have fun?”

“Yes.”

“Are you adventurous?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t show everyone this, but want to see something special?”

“Yes!”

That was easy, wasn’t it?  People tend to feed off patterns, and if you get her agreeing with you, her natural tendency will be to continue.

By comparison, you don’t want to ask too many negative questions.

“You aren’t a weirdo, are you?”

“No!”

“You don’t fly off the handle easily, do you?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Want to see something?”

“Uhh, not really.”

That exchange makes sense too – just not the kind of sense we want to make.

So get her saying yes, and take her to another part of wherever you are – a corner of the club, a table at the bar, a desk at the library.  Use physical contact – but slightly undefined.  You don’t want to be a schoolmarm about it, but you don’t want to be a lounge lizard either.  You don’t want her knowing exactly WHAT it is.

Then, keep going with STEPS.  Your goal shouldn’t be to get her in bed, you should try to simply get her to the next STEP.  If you say “Let’s ditch the losers you’re hanging out with and have sex in my Chevy,” well, that might work with a few (VERY drunk) women, but for the most part, that ain’t gonna work.

Call it a hunch.

The woman wants to feel that the progression is natural… she wants to be able to tell her girlfriends later “I don’t know how… but it just worked.  It just… happened!”

Small steps feel natural.

Sexual propositions in the first five minutes do not.

So once you’ve led her somewhere, lead her again.  Take her to a new venue – you don’t need to separate her from her group, nor do you need to diss your buds.  You simply need to go somewhere new TOGETHER.

Congratulations.  You just reframed the world, and now you’re in it together.  Instead of a serious deliberation of whether she wants to go out with you, and her judging the way you play with your jello, you’ve created a bond with her.  And you’ve done it in a natural way.

MUCH better.

Next step?  Well, usually one place hasn’t cemented the bond, so a second stop is often in order.  As the night goes on friends will peel away, but if you’ve created attraction in your target, she won’t.

Yeah, maybe she really DOES have to be up at 4 am to pick up her sister at the airport.  Mostly, though, those are just excuses if she’s having second thoughts about the NATURAL progression of the evening.  It’s your job to create enough sparks that she will convince herself to stay with you, even if she DOES have a sister coming in on the red-eye.

If the attraction is there, sleep becomes secondary.

Next, you need to get her to your place.  Some guys like to “need” a ride since their friends have left earlier, or some like to offer one.  Personally, I like to use her car, since it sets you up to arrive at your pad first.

Earlier in the evening, you should have planted a seed excuse to get her inside.  Perhaps you’ve talked music and there’s a CD she should borrow… or there’s the video clip you simply must show her… or you could just say “This is fun, let’s keep talking”… whatever it is, it needs to be INSIDE.

By this point in the evening, if you’re expecting to get further, you should have already been physically intimate, probably at the first spot where you met.  If you have, once you’ve got her in your dwelling, it should be an easy transition into some serious lurve.

If you haven’t laid the physical groundwork, this can be much more difficult, but it’s still possible.  She’ll probably be hesitant to come in (pre-kiss, you’re an assault risk, post-kiss, you’re a guy she’s physically attracted to) but if she does, that probably means she wants to keep going.

This is NOT an excuse to force yourself on the lady.  There is NEVER a time that is appropriate… outside SM play, anyway.

That’s not about attraction or sexiness.  If you’ve got the chemistry going, she’ll WANT to keep going… and if she doesn’t, that usually means you simply need to step back and build up the sexual tension to a good level.

Get her on the bed.  Give her a taste of that massage technique you talked about earlier… that shirt sure does get in the way, doesn’t it?  Let’s get rid of that… can you see where this is going?

The important thing is to take everything step by step, making sure she is comfortable at each stop along the way, and most importantly, feeling ATTRACTION.  Otherwise, you’ll never make it up the ladder.

If you HAVE got the attraction happening, though, and lead her up a gradual slope with the pinnacle in your bedroom, you’ve just found the way to skip the date and get to the good stuff.

This applies even if it doesn’t occur in a single night – when you meet a woman, you should avoid date situations, and instead go with “I’m doing this, why don’t you come too?”  That kind of attitude ALWAYS beats “I’d like to take you out sometime.”

Do it right, and you’ll be able to choose whatever approach you prefer, from pursuing the one night stand to carefully screening the women who MIGHT experience the joy of your bed over a few meetings.  Pick your pleasure.

Just steer clear of traditional dates.  Unless your goal is an improbable marriage to someone who, for all you know, could be a virgin.  Lord knows you’ve never touched her.

If that’s your goal, by the way, stop reading and burn your computer now.

If your goal is to meet a LOT of women and pick one (or more) who are right for you, then keep studying, grasshopper.  The above wisdom is useful, but without the proper tools and knowing how to create interpersonal magic with ladies as you choose, it’s a nice dream, is all.  If you want to know more about how to create that ATTRACTION and move from sexual tension to bedroom release, you should check out my books, especially the base, Seduction Science Volumes 1-3.  Take a look, and see how YOU can consider making out on the dance floor just another step on the way to greater rewards.

Derek

Question:

I have been applying a lot of your techniques, with success.  The only problem I am facing (and one I have had for awhile) is this:

In most aspects of life, I am very confident.  I do not have problems with reservation and generally say things that most others would be embarrassed to say.  I cannot think of any social situation where I lack confidence, except one…

The problem is, this confidence disappears when picking up women.  Most of my successes have been either when the woman has initiated conversation
, or I have started a conversation with no intention of chatting up the woman (e.g. asking for a light, time, etc.)

At this point, I am on top of my game.  I seem to have good results, which have been getting better when applying some of your techniques.

The problem is, these situations do not come up often enough.  When I approach a woman my confidence seems to sap.  I’m not on top of the game, and usually fail because of it.  I’ve more or less got enough confidence to just approach, but the lack of confidence in this situation simply destroys any chance of success.  What is frustrating for me is that this feeling does not exist anywhere else in my life, and I don’t know how to get past it.

My question is how can I transfer my personality from most social situations, where I am supremely confident, to meeting and dating women?

-Anonymous

Derek’s response:

I have some good news for you, my friend: you’re most of the way there.  Your problem is just about solved – you just don’t know it yet.

You see, MOST people in the world have a problem like this – whether they are confident on the dance floor but not the boardroom, confident on the sports field but not the dating scene, whatever – almost everyone has this problem.

And that means this problem has been worked on A LOT.  And some of the answers are quite simple.

If you lack confidence across the board, then we’ve got a lot of work to do.

But that’s not the problem here, and there are some easy quick exercises which will help train your brain to respond in a confident manner.

So first: you have no problems talking to a woman when she approaches YOU, but have plenty of problems approaching her.

What’s the core issue here?

Sounds to me like fear of rejection and failure.  When SHE approaches YOU, there’s little to no chance of that happening, so you’re fine.  When YOU approach HER but without agenda, there’s little to no chance of that happening – what sane woman won’t tell you the time?

Actually, with those little approaches you’re tricking your head a little bit – I’m betting you’re still approaching attractive women with it most of the time, and your unconscious is short-circuiting your fear response by telling your conscious mind “We just want a light.”  Then with luck you’re already into a conversation and past that initial fear – because once you cross that first approach barrier, you can be the confident social man you usually are.

So you’re already doing what you need to be some of the time – we just need to change that to ALL the time.

Alright, here’s an exercise for you:

Part 1.

1. Go into a deeply relaxed, meditative state.
2. Imaginatively enter the state you are in when approaching women and coming up with nerves.  Really go into it – picture situations, either real past events or imaginary future ones, and picture them vividly enough that you start to FEEL the feelings you have when you get nervous.  If your stomach isn’t fluttering, you need to go deeper.
3. Now, let the situation(s), states, and feelings lift out of your body and transfer into a ball of negative energy.  Concentrate on this ball, and fix it in your mind, because you’ll need it later – you might find it helpful to attach a color to this ball.
4. Come back up into a normal waking state.

Part 2.

1. Go into a deeply relaxed, meditative state.
2. Imaginatively enter the state you are in when women approach you and you are SUPREMELY confident in yourself.  REALLY go into this one – picture past successes and future ones, and make sure they are real enough that you again FEEL the feelings you have when you are having success.
3. Now let the situation(s), states, and feelings lift out of your body and transfer into a ball of positive energy.  Concentrate on the ball and fix it in your mind – if you attached a color to the earlier ball of energy, make sure you choose a different color for this positive one.
4. Come back up into a normal waking state.

Part 3.

1. Go into a deeply relaxed, meditative state.
2. Imagine both of the previously visualized states as the two balls of energy resting in front of you.
3. Imagine the two balls of energy merging in such a way that the negative ball is engulfed by the positive one.  If your positive ball was red, you should have a red ball twice as big now.  Continue to work on this visualization until your unconscious sees the two states as linked, and the positive as the dominant one.
4. Once you have a large, stable, positive ball that engulfs the negative one, bring it over your body and drop it back in – through the top of your head, down your spine, to the tips of your toes and fingers and back again, until it has circulated through every cell of your being.
5. Come back up into a normal waking state.

What’d we just do?

Well, the way you tricked your mind earlier – into thinking that you weren’t interested in a woman, thus allowing you to remain confident – we’ve tweaked it a little bit now.  We’ve convinced your mind that your negative state is PART of your positive state, and that your positive state is the DOMINANT one.  So now, the next time you feel those negative feelings, it should TRIGGER  the positive ones.

This isn’t a trick – when you’re talking about emotional states, your frame of mind is all that really matters, after all.  But it is a powerful technique for eliminating negative thoughts and encouraging positive ones – which shouldn’t be hard since you’ve already got plenty of the positive ones in place.

And as an added bonus, although it will take a few sessions before this exercise takes root, once you’ve got it started, you’ll need it less and less.  Why?  Because you’ll be having more success with women when you approach them – and the negative insecure cycle will be broken, replaced by a confident one!

Question:

This is my first year in college and I bought your course last month and have been using the techniques in it.  I did manage to meet a few girls through a friend of mine that is in a sorority.  One of the girls she introduced to me was the president of her sorority.  My first impression was that this girl did not like me.  She was very short with me, so I wrote her off.

On the first day of class this semester, I was rather surprised when this girl came over and sat down next to me in one of my classes.  We have been sitting together for the whole semester.  Through our brief conversations before class, I have really gotten to like her.  However, I haven’t had the courage to ask her out.  I’ve been trying to read her interest level.  We talk and laugh before class and smile at each other.  I thought she might be interested.

Then today she asked me what my plans were for Valentine’s Day.  I told her I was having dinner with the friend that introduced us and asked what her plans were.  She said she was just going to take it easy and relax by herself.  I thought that her interest level was pretty high since she asked me several other questions (Where do you live? What are you doing tonight? etc) so I finally mustered the courage to ask her if she just wanted to get together and study over the weekend for our exam next week.  She then replied that “she would like to” but doesn’t study well with other people, and does better on her own.  Does that mean that she isn’t interested in me, or that she simply doesn’t want to study with me?

Derek’s Response:

Wow, this question is great because it raises so many issues.

First, you got the WRONG first impression, which happens to all of us SO often.

See, when you don’t have experience with a person, you tend to think that they are ALWAYS like whatever they were like when you FIRST meet them.

And that is usually not true.  First, few of us are consistently the same person, and second, few of us are that person in a first meeting.

So you learned that in a big way – sounds like you met her on a night she was pissed about something, and as naturally happens you assumed it was about you – when in fact it had NOTHING to do with you.  You were background on a bad day.

Why is this important?  That sort of knowledge helps you to stop from TAKING IT PERSONALLY when you get a negative reaction – as it almost always has little to do with you, and more to do with the girl’s life at that time.

Now, as far as your question goes – did she say no, she doesn’t want to spend time with you?

No, she didn’t.

If I don’t hear no, I keep pursuing.  I ASSUME this person wants the chance to get to know wonderful me, unless I am given a DIRECT message that she doesn’t.  And I don’t stop until I either get her, lose interest, or am so busy with other women that I just don’t have the time.

If she gave a direct no, I’d say no chance.  But she didn’t.  Maybe she really DOESN’T like studying with other people – and as a sorority president, she’s probably pretty serious about school-related things.  There’s only one way to find out, of course – ASK HER OUT.

Look, the truth is, you’ve probably waited too long.  I’m betting that she liked you, but you never made a move, and now your chance has passed and you’ve been dumped into the ‘friend’ category.

But again, you shouldn’t be writing me and waiting for a response when I can’t see this girl and how she interacts with you – you should simply ASK HER OUT.  Do it in a playful manner.

When she asks what you’re doing for Valentine’s Day, you can say something like “I’ve been waiting for you to ask me out.  What’s kept you so long, are you really shy or something?”  or “Are you asking me out?  Wow, that’s really sudden – why don’t we have an Easter brunch first, and then I’ll think about it.”

When she says she likes to study alone, you can say “Yes, my stunning physique and winning charisma would be quite a distraction, you’re right.  Let’s get coffee instead.”

The key is ACTING on your feelings.  80% of the problems most men have is they don’t have the WILL to ACT.  Don’t ponder or get too concerned with will she won’t she – just DO IT.  The rest will take care of itself – even if this one says no, down the line you’ll get a yes.

But if you never ACT, you’ll never get anything.

Derek

Too many guys go for the template of a pattern just because it’s established and expected.  It doesn’t have to be that way – YOU can control your reality, you should do what’s going to make you happy.  The options are more open than you know.

Welcome to the new view, Grasshopper

Alright, if you’ve been reading carefully up to now, you have a solid understanding of the basics for attracting the women you want.  Congratulations.

You’re starting to get a solid understanding of the three pillars – playful confidence, social status/value, and non-verbal cuing.  There’s plenty left to learn, but you have enough knowledge to really work on your attitude and internalize the important aspects of attraction.

Again, congratulations.

However, before we go any further, I have a VERY important question: what are you going to do with this?

“Uh, get laid, Beavith.”  Come on, you can do better than that.

What kind of dating life do YOU want?

MOST of the men in the world choose one of two paths: straight-up monogamous relationships, or a series of meaningless physical conquests.

But is that what you REALLY want?  Or do you place yourself in one of these categories because that’s the way our social world is currently organized?

If you’ve thought about what you want to get out of your romantic life and you’ve decided on one of these paths, great.  Nothing wrong with that.

But be honest – isn’t it because you haven’t seen any other realistic choices?

The two choices most guys think are the only choices.

Our world places the long-term meaningful relationship as the top of the pyramid, the thing we all should aim for with the thought of eventually finding a girl to marry.  Don’t get me wrong – nothing can replace the spiritual and emotional connection of a serious relationship.

But plenty of guys aim for serious steady relationships more because they finally GOT a girl, and they’re scared of being lonely again.

But a number of guys don’t want to DO that – at least not yet – and instead want SEX.  And lots of it.  And the excitement of the chase, of flirting.  The problem with this is, even if you’re the master player and can get a girl anytime you want, you never really have a chance to experience the deeper emotions.  Just get your rocks off.

Most guys eventually get as bored of this life as you would dating a nun.

Ok, it’s a completely different kind of boredom.  But you usually wind up seeing a wide variety of party girls, and the night after the morning you get this awful empty feeling.  So you go find the next girl to fill that void, but you wind up just making it deeper and more painful.

And that guy often winds up getting REALLY lonely and searching out a long-term relationship – but he lacks the relationship experience and so thus is a poor judge of what he’ll need in a more serious mate.  He either tries to convert a party girl or he scattershots the rest of the population, getting poor mates as often as good ones.

What if there were other ways?

A fuller menu

Let’s take a moment now and run down all SORTS of different ways of dating that are ACTUALLY available.

Monogamous Man.
 
As mentioned before, this is a GREAT way to get all the good things that pair-bonding brings.  However, you also greatly reduce your experience; instead of being out and dating lots of women and finding out what all sorts of different types there are – and how they fit with you – M Man gets stuck in looooong relationships.  They usually go a month or two too long, the girl is usually the one doing the dumping (“I just need some space to think about things.”) and there is a tendency to stick with sub-standard situations due to the lonely fear factor.

Oh, and unfortunately, rarely does a monogamous relationship stay that way.  Pain all around.

The Player.

You have plenty of sex with plenty of women, but never more than a few sessions with any one.  Great way to hone your attraction skills and see what’s out there – in fact, in the beginning of your dating life, being a player is a nice start so you can gain experience.  However, you lose out on the deeper emotions and rare is the man who is fulfilled by a lifetime of playing.

Multiple Primaries Guy.

You have long-term relationships, but you aren’t monogamous.  Some guys do this while pretending to be M Man, but it works best if you’re up front about it. (Avoid all the deception and eventual pain when you’re found out.  There are girls who will comb your cell when you’re in the bathroom.  Beware.)

Most guys don’t think is a realistic possibility, but you’d be surprised.  If a woman is attracted to you and you’re honest about your lifestyle, she’ll usually adapt to your reality.  There may be numerous brush fires to put out, but you can avoid a lot of that by having girls who like EACH OTHER and are into SHARING you.  Bisexual ladies welcome.  Threesomes welcome.

A Primary with Secondaries Dude.

Here you have one serious relationship, but you also have some other girls for fun (either steady sex friends or random pick-ups).  Again, your lady knows about the other women, but she accepts them as part of being with you.  And you are emotionally faithful to your main gal.  You can even bring her in on the fun – picking up women as a couple is easier than you think, and often easier than doing it on your own.  And it can be a lot of fun.

You also are playing a dangerous game, because should you ever start to bond with one of your sex friends, your main lady is gonna be pissed.  It’s a LOT harder to go from Primary and Secondaries Dude to Multiple Primaries Guy than vice-versa.  Your lady is going to feel betrayed and, worse, demoted.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Harem Harry.

Now you are just having some serious fun.  Any combination of primaries and secondaries, with everyone aware of everyone else and often playing with each other.  You are the center of a sexual universe.

As long as the girls know what they’re getting into from the start, you won’t have too many problems.  Oh, you’ll still have problems – every relationship has problems – and occasionally they’ll seem huge just because you have so MANY relationships to keep healthy.

Still, you can avoid most the Glenn-Close-with-a-knife problems since you are emotionally connected but still emotionally free.  Free love man.  Ain’t it great? (As a note, sometimes harems have more than one “Harry” with the guys sharing the ladies.)  It’s not unheard of for a MP Guy or a PwS Dude to become a Harem Harry.  Players make the transition as well.

Swinging Stud.

Now you’ve got one main lady, but you attend parties or clubs looking to swap with others or get involved in orgies.  This can also take the form of finding a third for a threesome while out and about.

Now, that’s a LOT more possibilities than you thought were out there.  They all have advantages and drawbacks, and you should choose a goal that works for you.  BUT, you should establish the GOAL first and create the attitude and reality that works with it.  Because it’s MUCH harder to change a relationship mid-stream than to have things clear from the beginning (not that it can’t be done).

You can change your goals as you yourself change.

Of course you’re not locked in to any one way.  Maybe you start as a player, find a great girl and stop going out with anyone but.  Or maybe you build a Harem but get bored with the sex that is nothing more than physical, and so pick out a few girls as multiple primaries.  Or you end a monogamous relationship date a number of women – all secondaries – until one separates herself from the pack and you pair-bond with her, but keep the rest around for fun.

Or maybe you have a gal you love as much as anything, but you want to spice up your life with a little swinging.  So you take her to a club, she watches the openness of the people there, and you slowly transition from an observing pair to a participating one.

The permutations are endless, so don’t think TOO hard about this.  You can always change your goals later.  But you should establish the GOAL you have RIGHT NOW before you go out.

And you should do it because YOU want to, not because it’s what you think the world expects.

Derek

The Steps

Here I concretely lay out what we’ve covered to this point – a step-by-step guide from meeting a lady to getting her in your bed.  Follow these steps religiously and you’ll do tons better than the guy thinking “God I want to sleep with HER!”  Guaranteed.

Where are we?

By now we’ve talked a number of times about the STEPS approach, how you need to focus not on bringing a woman home, but instead on going one further step down the path that will lead to intimacy.

Still, we haven’t specifically listed each step – and some we haven’t even specifically stated.  So before we unleash your new crazy powerful skills upon the world, let’s make sure you know the path you want to walk.

 The First Step

Have your place READY for a lady.
This doesn’t mean you need some insane Daddy Mac love pad with the potion of seduction enveloping every little item and cranny.  What this DOES mean is you need your place presentable at every moment.

When you step out the door, is it dirty?  Do you have old socks or pizza boxes hanging around?  Would you bring a girl back to your pad, given its current state?

If the answer is no, you need to work on that spatial hygiene.  Now you don’t need to be able to eat off the floor, but you do need your bathroom to NOT repel with its smell, your floor to be visible, and your general organization to be a cut above the mad professor.

Go too far and you look a bit like a neat freak – but that’s miles better than looking like a slob.  The worst stereotype about neat men is they aren’t interested in ladies – and hopefully, you’ll be able to prove to your targeted woman that isn’t true within a few moments.

However, if you manage to elicit a lady’s disgust factor (and everyone has theirs triggered by different things – although generally, the closer you get to the toilet, the higher the risk) you can ruin a night’s worth of work.  Nothing like having your place be a deal-breaker.

So, take the time.  Keep it clean.  Always.  You never know when opportunity will present itself.  Be a boy scout and be ready.

Even better, have your showcase skill or some other interesting object(s) in easy view.  If you play guitar, don’t keep it in a closet, but set it up in your main room or bedroom in plain view.  If you want to bring a woman over to “look at art” have the art book handy and displayed.

In other words, have the bait you’re using to lure to your lair in easy reach.  When you arrive to show off that new CD, it looks more natural and genuine if it isn’t in the bottom of a drawer.  If you want to show off your photo skills (one of my favorites), have your camera ready to go.

This isn’t rocket science.  Just have a place that wouldn’t threaten anyone – and hopefully lends itself to playfulness and interest – and keep it that way.  Easy.  Still, plenty of people forget this, end a night prematurely because they aren’t ready to entertain, and never get another chance.  Just don’t do that.

Be Clean in Every Way

Take care of your own hygiene.  You’d be surprised how often bad breath is the deal-breaker.  In fact, an offending smell is one of the most unattractive things known to humanity.  Chances are at some time or other in your own past it ended what would have been a beneficial connection.

So, considering we lose any sense or our own scent very quickly, it’s best to play it safe.  Assume you smell awful, and take the necessary precautions.  Brush teeth twice.  Bring along some sort of breath saver (I like the film ones because they’re small and make no noise in pockets).  If you sweat, wash, and if you can’t wash, deodorize.

Cheap aftershave – used in MODERATION – can be a godsend.

As far as fashion goes, you don’t need to be straight off a Paris runway.  In fact, unless you have talent in this area, simple is the best way to keep it.  A nice pair of chinos and a plain black shirt is PLENTY as long as you wear it with confidence.

Flashier things can you some attention, but before you put them on you want to be sure it isn’t the wrong kind.  Simple is fine.  Really.  Just look clean and fresh and you’ll have no problems.

Carry around an odor and stains and no matter how cool you are, your social value takes a dive and you’re cutting yourself off from most women (hot granolas excepted).

Create the Attraction

Be playful and fun and extend your meeting.  This can mean getting a number or email, shifting your locale, or any of a million other things.  The main purpose here is NOT to bring a woman to bed, but merely to ATTRACT her.  All you need be concerned with is getting her interested enough that she wants to spend more time with you.

Best to do it with your relaxed and playful attitude, but if time is short, you can get a number with little more than confident politeness.  Don’t worry about what comes later.  Just get her into you to begin.

Lead her somewhere - together

Change locations.  This can happen at the same time, or at a later date.  This is where your scene-shifting skills come into play, where the fact that you are somewhere TOGETHER is both natural and enjoyable.  If things are going well at this point you can shift quickly into physical contact, but at the least you should start introducing familiarities like hand-holding and relaxed (unpervy) touching.  You’re building to a later point here, so don’t try to take more than is being offered – you’ll get turned down and likely lose a number of points, digging yourself a deep hole.

Just concentrate on establishing and strengthening your connection here.  Again, that should be your ONLY GOAL.  If want you really want is to sleep with this girl, fine.  That comes later.

Don’t be the shortstop who looks where the throw’s supposed to go and misses the ground ball.  Stay focused on your contact with the lady.  The rest will follow successfully.

Get private

Now you’ve established contact, and the lady is into you.  What do you do?  BRING HER HOME.  Her place or yours – whichever works with the seed you’ve created earlier (Have you heard the new Coldplay album?)  Once you get her there, don’t rush things – she’s already basically said she’s interested in going further, but push too fast and you’ll turn her off and undo all the good you did earlier.

Instead, take your time here.  In fact, if you wait just a little bit longer than she’s comfortable with – or play hard-to-get yourself (I don’t think you get to sleep with me just because we both like Coldplay!) - that’s even more powerful.

Turn up the Heat

All you need now is the transition to PHYSICAL connection.  Ah, that’s always a great place to trip yourself up, isn’t it?

Well, fear not.  Just read on.

Derek

What do you say when you don’t say anything?

Everything.

We dance around this topic all the time, but it’s ready for the spotlight: body language.  This is the most important thing not just when dealing with women, but with communication period.

Nothing else even comes close.

Wonder why that thick-as-a-post jock got all the women when charming funny nervous sitcom-character-in-waiting guy got nothing in high school?

Body language.

Why James Bond got his pick of the litter and the brilliant Q got more quality time with gadgets?

Body language.

Why that homely busboy at the corner Italian restaurant takes home all the gorgeous patrons and the handsome maitre-de takes home doggy bags?

Garlic.  The busboy stank of it and THAT is a huge turn-on.

Just seeing if you were paying attention.

All those other things you THOUGHT did the trick were just extra fuel for the fodder.  Body language is the key to EVERYTHING.

Why?  Because it is the symptom that tells you everything you need to know about the INSIDE of a person.

It clues you in to the person’s confidence, their openness, even their sexual skills.  And if you send out the wrong signals – which most people do – then you’ve given yourself a SERIOUS hole to dig out from.

Conversely, if your movements say the right things, you are on top of a BIG mountain that you’d have to work to screw up.

The unfortunate thing is you have a CHOICE about what you say, and most don’t realize it.  Or they choose to ignore it and remain “themselves,” as if we are static representations of an image that never changes.

WRONG.  WRONG WRONG WRONG!  If there was a hand near me, I’d slap it.  Good thing I type with my feet.

People are dynamic, and ever-changing.  In fact, we are NEVER the same as we were in the past.  Those changes show up in our body language, but that doesn’t mean we should abandon control.

If so, we wouldn’t bother with school, riding a bike, and everyone would still be a virgin.  After all, we were all virgins once, weren’t we?

Look, there’s a difference between being UNAWARE of something, and being INDIFFERENT.  Unaware just means we don’t know what we’re doing with ourselves.  Ignorance may be bliss, but it’s not helpful.

Indifference is when you know what’s going on, but you choose to ignore it.  WRONG!  Where’s that hand!

You can’t be passive all your life and expect things to come to you.  The world doesn’t work that way (my apologies to all silver-spooners I’ve offended with this blanket statement that merely applies to 100% of all living things, rounded to the closest .00000001).

You need to be ACTIVE.  You need to TAKE CHARGE of your life, and that means taking an ACTIVE role in the changes that happen to you.

They’re coming either way.  Personally, I’d rather have a vote.

So no whining about the walk you’ve developed and how that represents YOU as you are now.  If that walk doesn’t work, kill it.  Time to get a new one.

And there’s a bonus beyond the initial differences that changing your body language communicates to the outside world.

It also can change your inner one.  That’s right, we’re going to attack confidence both ways, coming and going.

Seriously, this works.  The Japanese have long held the belief that a cluttered home leads to a cluttered mind, and a clean one, a clear one.  The outer world touches our inner one, and when you change the way you move, you also change the way you think.

Don’t believe me?  Try it.  Pick a wall and stand up straight against it.  Your feet, butt, shoulders, and head should all touch the wall, exerting about the same amount of pressure (no smooshing).  Now walk away from the wall, but hold the pose for 5 minutes.

How do you feel?  Right, like someone stuck a pole up your ass.  Just what we were going for.

It’s going to feel weird for awhile, because it’s different and new.  Keep going, though, and eventually it won’t feel weird.  In fact, it’ll start to feel GOOD.  You’ll find yourself with this new CONFIDENCE that wasn’t there before and doesn’t seem to have much of an explanation.  It’s not your inner exercises – you’ll get to know that feeling.  It’s… nothing.

Except that you are standing like you are confident.  Cause and affect get blurred, and you wind up FEELING a certain way just because you are ACTING that way.

Either way, you look better standing straight, and you project confidence to all comers.  Women find you more attractive, even if they aren’t self-aware enough to know why.  Co-workers and those around you often might comment that you seem… DIFFERENT.

Congratulations young Jedi, you’re on your way.

Standing up straight is about as basic as it comes, but non-verbal communication goes much deeper.

When you walk and lead with your head, not only are you hunching and sending out uncomfortable self-conscious shrinking vibes, but you’re also telling people that you tend to THINK a lot.  Maybe more than you should.

Lead with your stomach, it speaks to your appetites and emotions.

Lead with your pelvis, and it says you are sexually experienced and confident.

This might sound like a lot of crap, but try it.  Walk around for awhile leading with different parts of your body, and notice the changes that happen in your head.  It’s real, VERY real.  And there’s no reason bad chairs in abandoned classrooms should have more of a say about how you feel than you do.

Those nervous tics, those fidgety hands?  Lose ‘em.  Every button you finger while talking to someone – especially an attractive woman who’s trying to make a snap judgment about you – is a negative.  Every fast sudden motion says you have low self-esteem – it’s like you have to get it done before some stronger guy comes along to stop you.

It’s like the beta wolves trying to feed before the alpha wakes up and wants more – complete with herky-jerky looks to check for his approach.  This instinct runs deep.

When you make eye-contact and drop it first.  Oh god no.  In our part of the animal kingdom, this is strong supplicating behavior.  There are monkeys which tear the arms off other animals – including humans – if they don’t drop gaze first.

So if you are looking at a woman and look away before she does?  You’ve just said she’s in control, and her chances of becoming attracted to you pretty much disappear.

That’s not to say you stare from a far distance.  That’s stalker behavior – when far enough away betas get bolder – and she’ll think you a freak.  This is about close quarters, the moment before a conversation starts.

Crossing your arms?  Stop that.  You’re telling everyone to stay away, so don’t be surprised when they do.

Leaning in to your target?  Why not just say “I want to have sex with you.”  That’s exactly what you’re doing, and most guys do it so early that it’s a major turn-off (unlike once she’s primed, in which case it can start speeding things up).

Standing in her personal space (which for most people is about 18 inches to 3 feet away)?  You’re triggering her to run away, which is NOT a feeling you want linked with you.  Standing right on the border of her personal space?  This can be golden if you do it right, creating a certain tension in her mind although she probably won’t know what from.  Much like really needing to piss can lead to a boner, this tension can become sexual.

Standing well outside her personal space and not directing your body at her, remaining somewhat detached?  Now that’s good – she’s gonna want to know why she doesn’t have your attention, and might start working to get YOUR approval.  Don’tcha love that?

There are thousands of little cues we give off to each other, and the BEST way to learn them is to see them in action.  Go out and find some guys doing well with the ladies.  Watch them, see what they’re doing with their bodies, and what responses they are getting.  If you think you’ve identified a non-verbal communication that signals confidence or sexual prowess or just general alpha-ness, go practice it.  Try it out.  Odds are you won’t get it the first time, but don’t let that discourage you.  There is no better way.

Derek