How To Be More Social To Get Girls

When being in a party or club or social situation its really important to live in the moment, in the now, in the today and not to have your head wishing and wanting about the future.

99% of guys in a party situation are discontent with the present with where they are in that moment.

He’s wishing there were more girls there, he’s wishing the music wasn’t so loud, he’s wishing he was in another club, he’s wishing the weather was nicer, he’s wishing he was somewhere else ideally, he’s wishing he was talking to the hot girl instead of the one he’s talking to, he’s wishing he’d meet his dream girl, or maybe next week things will be better.

If only those wishes were to happen he would feel happy.

So his head is not in the party right now as it stands. Instead he’s resisting the moment and his head is in a future scenario of a wishing and wanting.

Or he could be living completely in the future, dreaming about what a great pickup artist he’s going to become rather than what he can do TODAY. He imagines about his future fantasy harem of girlfriends and what they’ll all look like and do with him, rather than the girl he can meet today. Or he’s dreaming about all the money he’ll eventually make once he gets the raise or makes that career move which will finally give him permission to go out and meet girls.

His mind is stuck in a loop imagining about the future and not living in the moment. He has desires, he has hopes, but he never lives.

Instead of making the most of the current party or situation or approaching girls without the “perfect plan”, he postpones, he says “tomorrow”, “tomorrow”, “tomorrow”.

And it’s always tomorrow, it’s never the here and now.

And because of his desires and hopes and fantasies and postponing and endless preparing he goes on missing the present, he goes on missing the happiness and joy of living for the now and what can become right now.

Your wishing and wanting mind will burden you, always dwelling on whether your grand plans will happen or not. Then every moment of your life becomes this head-ache, this desiring tension about a possible coming future where you are using everything in the moment only as a means to an end.

Don’t be hampered by a way or a path, just be here right now. Don’t live in a house you haven’t built yet, be here right now. Don’t try to be going anywhere, just be here right now. Just be here as much as you possible can. In the party, just be there don’t try to resist your situation, just let go and allow yourself to enjoy it for all of its delight and its warts.

Just experience it, don’t create so many rules about what you have to do or achieve to enjoy the party of today, or that you need to make a lot of money first, or that you need the perfect pickup plan, or that you need to develop your skills first, just enjoy the party today.

Like if you ask a painter, a real painter who enjoys painting for the sake of painting, then he enjoys the action of painting in the moment, he’s not all caught up thinking about how much money he’ll one day sell this painting for 20 years from now. If his head was completely into some far off goal and not just enjoying the experience of painting in the now, the painting would be a chore, a burden, simply a task he had to do to make money.

Meeting girls is the same way. If you’re thinking into the future it becomes a chore, a task, a burden. But if you allow yourself to be happy, right now, today, like a true painter who loves the act of painting, if you truly can come to love the experience of going out and enjoying life – if you meet a girl or not – that kind of living in the moment is the prerequisite to being successful with women.

So watch yourself. Whenever you’re preparing too much, whenever you’re dreaming too much, living in your imagination too much, loving a woman you haven’t met yet, not going to today’s party in the name of some future goal, you are straying from the path of success with women and life. You only sabotage your own goals when you prepare and think about them too much.

So have total love and passion for today, for the party of today.

Tip #2: Drop Your “Grand Plan Strategy”

Has this ever happened to you?

You have some “grand strategy” of openers, lines, and routines for working the club tonight.

You get there, but you don’t open the first girl you see.  😕

Wait, you see a good set… you hesitate for a minute for “the right moment”, but then the girls by random chance walk away. Damn! :confused:

That’s alright… you walk around the room but for some reason now you’re still not opening.  🙁

You begin to panic—this is just not what you planned.

You begin to feel frustrated with yourself for not opening.  😯

And because of the frustration you feel even worse—you’re not even “in state” anymore. How are you possibly going to open girls now??

You had to pay a $10 cover instead of $5- you are frustrated.

You’re not wearing what you imagine are your best clothes- you are frustrated.

You didn’t approach the girl like you thought you would– you are frustrated.

You are no longer in a good state – you are even more frustrated.

Now even more negative emotions go through your head—damn I fucked up, and I had such big plans for the night, even worse!

I hate to admit it, but this has happened to ME in the past more than I can count. So I know how it feels.

Here’s the deal though…

This frustration, fear, worry, and negative feelings in the club or bar come out because of your attachment.

Attachment to your “grand plan” or strategy.

But if you drop your “grand plan” for the night and instead expect nothing, then nothing can frustrate you.

If you don’t cling to anything, you can’t feel disappointed.

Your clinging deflates your state because the social dynamics in the club are in constant flux and you cannot cling or hold onto it.

The situation will be constantly slipping out of your hands, foiling your thought-out plans.

Expecting outcomes in a club is like trying to hold a waterfall in your arms that is rushing toward some unknown outcome. And you get frustrated and then your internal state fizzles.

But if you don’t expect anything, if you have no “plans for the night” to hold onto, then nothing can frustrate you.

Frustration and negative states and thoughts are purely a product of your expectations.

Try this instead: don’t go into the club with any “grand plans” inside your head of what you’re going to do that night.

Don’t go in with any thinking-based strategies in your head AT ALL.

Instead, focus on what you FEEL in your BODY.

Aim to feel a pure happy, joyous state- for no reason at all. Just because you’re alive. Or just because you get fun and joy out of watching others around you, the people you don’t even know, having fun and joy.

Smile with your mouth. Force yourself even.

And do that for 30 minutes. Can you go to a club and stand there, like a complete dork, smiling and feeling joyous for 30 minutes? Maybe getting onto the dance floor and dancing like a crazy person… for just YOURSELF and for your own enjoyment?

Then, even without all of your plans and expectations, even walking up to a beautiful woman will not frighten you.

And only then, only once you come home from the club feeling rejuvenated and your batteries recharged from feeling such a great state all night, do you want to maybe consider any “planning” or “strategies”.

Models Are Models; Field Is King

Now it seems to be a popular pastime to design pickup methods, super pickup systems, and elaborate psychological models of attraction, which is all well and good. I don’t discourage anyone from exploring the map.

But you can be a great philosopher, you can intellectually figure out many things, you can create models and systems all with very logical, consistent reasoning.

And it will appear like a model of the truth. But it’s not the truth. These systems have been manufactured by your mind. They’ve been borrowed from other people.

In contrast, an experience, a real experience in the field which you’ve seen with your own eyes, felt with you own hands, been there in your own body, which has been revealed to you… it is your authentic experience, an authentic truth. You have come to experience reality, you have come to see the truth of pickup itself.

Reality is in every moment original. You cannot plan it, you cannot map it in every detail, you cannot preplan every possibility of it. Every new moment is as no other moment that came before it. It is absolutely fresh and new and you have to live it to experience it. There is no other way of knowing it.

For example, a blind man can think about colors like the color red. He can write research papers about red, how the light spectrum is reflected and bounces off the eye to create the illusion of red in the human brain. He can give great lectures write great doctrines about the wavelength of the light that produces red. But the blind man still doesn’t know what red is. He has no eyes to see it.

Likewise, the only way to know sex is to have sex, the only way to know mountain climbing is to start climbing mountains, the only way to know swimming is to swim. And the only way to know the party is to live the party.

It’s your methods, your over planning, your attraction systems that make it unreal. But if you live it, if you live experience to the fullest, you’ll be able to come to know and understand what had been unthinkable by your methods and plans and systems.

In short what I’m saying, the field is king. Don’t be stuck in front of the computer all day or reading forum posts or articles, go out and become one with the party.

23 thoughts on “How To Be More Social To Get Girls”

  1. as a girl, why not just try been yourself and saying hello and starting a conversation? guys always think they need a plan but they dont. Nothing more attractive than a guy who is comfortable in his own skin who can just walk up to you casually and say hello and start from there. hehe

    1. You are right, SusiSpice. Brent Smith (another, well known mentor for men), said this on one of his videos. Just walk up to her and say, “Hi”. You don’t have to have a plan or some kind of pick-up line. Have a smile, be friendly and you don’t have to talk to her for a long time. Just say, “Hi, I came over to say, Hi”. Touching her on the shoulder, helps, also, in getting her attention. You can then go back to where you were and see what she does. If she looks back at you and smiles, that’s good. Go back to her and start a conversation. It’s EASY!!!

  2. Thanks D,

    You always come up with fresh, original and inspiring ideas or advices to help us dudes out here and there to live a fulfilling, active, and rich life in what appears to be a chaotic world.


  3. Lol, @sri repeated @Manny’s question from the other post. Are you coming out with a video soon, Jesse, to answer our questions. I hope so, would be nice to get some focus on the basic stuff.

    I have a question, too. How do you make good, engaging conversation? What do you talk about? I’m fairly good at approach, but it’s like I lose some steam in the middle, I just run out of words to say. After that it all goes downhill, the girl just loses interest, and I’m back to square one. What can I do to improve? Any suggestion will be most welcome. Thank you.


  4. srinivasamurthy


    I guess my question is: how do you take it to the next level? I mean if you’ve done your approach, got her number and maybe took her out, how do you steer the relationship into a more intimate arrangement without sounding too blunt? When do you know the time is right to ask her back to your place? I’m asking because more often than not, my relationship with girls just settle into a kind of “friend only” category after a promising start. Thanks

    1. srinivasamurthy (what a name there!) well you should be getting her back to your place on the first date. It’s all about giving her a good reason to go– to see some photos on your computer, to cook a desert for her, to show her your guitar playing, or whatever. You should have a prop at home that acts as an excuse. You’ll also want to see it at the beginning of the date– for instance if your prop is travel photos on your computer, early on in the date you’ll want to talk about traveling. That way you don’t whip out your excuse as the date is ending, it will seem more natural if you had mentioned it earlier as well

  5. Thanks for all the info ou share dude 🙂

    I have just one question: Are you planing on making a DVD product??? I hope so…

    Thanks a lot in advance!

  6. Malcolm Roecker

    Hey Jesse,
    before i saw you i imagined you to look a certain way.i searched for your images but couldnt get a good one.i only saw your true image when you were launching…by the way i almost questioned your sanity when you told us you sold all you had to go far away to practice pick up from its basic form!!but since i visited your site,things look headed much better..congs!!”why guys dont get laid” is my favourite so far,though the site has few articles as it stands.ciao!

  7. Hi Jesse,
    thanks for you advice,
    i have a chance of meeting woman and never get rid of my girls being picked up by other males.
    i am very disappointed with what happening plus i am shy to ask them directly
    please tell me the right way how to meet and get closer to girls and have fun.
    i do not have the money to buy the art of approaching book

  8. Wow, Jeese !

    Did you just give this great advice for free?
    Well, I can say you’re one step closer to wisdom.
    About “How to have fun picking up girls” all I can say is : Thanks a million !


  9. Jesse as always i love what you teach, i always find it easier to meet girls when i’m not trying to hard or make any plans,

    Jay Kay

  10. I like what i see here, specialty for this i have i done, like for 4-6 month ago, it nice to get a recive that i done right from a master

  11. hehe! im 1st, again =P, you know your best fans wont let you go Jesse, my dude 😉

    Going to the club tonigth, definatly gonna try this stuff out… chiars!

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