Hey guys, it’s Jesse Charger and this is an important video that explains how to go up to a girl and say hello, approaching a girl.
Now, the whole idea of Blissnosis Love is to be able to meet women without going through all the hassles and head-aches of doing cold approaches. You know, the feeling; your heart starts beating out of your chest, your palms sweat profusely, your mouth dries up like the Sahara, and your voice squeaks out a lame “Hi!”
Then the girl ignores you or turns her back and you’re “blown out”. You turn around sulking, with your tail between your legs, hoping no one will notice. It’s happened to me plenty of times, and I can tell you, yes it does feels terrible.
At the same time, I do want to cover traditional cold approaching as part of the Mentorship program; it IS a good skill to have. After all, you never know when you might be walking down the street and you spot a super hottie that you’d love to talk to. It’s just nice if you can pull it off, when you want.
So I’ve created for you a short but enlightening video here based on people’s questions on how to handle and overcome approach anxiety.
The first question is from Johnny.
Jesse, how can I approach a lady I have never met before? For example, I have just seen her walking on the road side or buying some goods in a shop… what do I say first to gain a great confidence talking to her?
Thanks for the question Johnny. Now with any advice on having confidence in approaching, I can’t really give you a quick answer or a line or a magic formula because the ability to approach a woman cold like this is very much tied up into your identity of how you see yourself which I can’t change that for you in a matter of a single video—that’s where doing a Mentorship with me comes in.
But I’m going to guess your situation. You’re walking along the street, and I’m guessing typically your state from 1 to 10, one feeling depressed and terrible, and 10 feeling like “I just won the lottery, I’m so happy, I’m dancing for joy as I walk”, you’re probably on average feeling like a 3 or 4 or 5 or 6. Just neutral at best. No real emotion coursing through your veins, you’re not really feeling alive. You just have at best a very neutral maybe relaxed feeling.
Then you see that cute girl and your brain kicks in and you start thinking to yourself, “Hey man, I should approach and talk to that girl… she’s hot!!!” So you’re brain engages, it gets all revved up to go say hello. Problem is, your body isn’t there with you. Your emotions aren’t there with you. You’re just feeling like blah, like a 4 or 5 or 6 out of 10 inside, like whatever with your body.
So your brain is telling you to “Go for it man!!!”, but your body and physiology just aren’t feeling it and are pulling you in the other direction, to not move.
And on an unconscious level you know that if you did approach her you’re not really offering her any value because you’re state is so low, you’re feeling like a 4 or 5 or 6 out of 10. Your body is just blah… that if you did approach her, you’d be like an energy vampire, trying to suck value from her to make yourself feel better. And so then fear kicks in and your mind then starts to rationalize reasons not to approach, like “Oh she’s not friendly looking enough,” or “What would I say.”
But the real problem is that you’re not in that great state, the state I call the Starlight state, that’s really the Key to approaching beautiful girls. Approach anxiety cannot exist where there is Starlight, they are incompatible.
So the first piece of the puzzle here is to start feeling extraordinary, to start walking around like a 10, to start feeling from the 1 to 10 scale like a 10 in happiness and joy, to start having the Starlight state. And from there the confidence will flow. Easier said then done of course, but that’s what the Blissnosis Love Mentorship program is all about teaching you.
Okay, let’s move onto the next question.
I have been reading your posts regularly and it has helped me a lot. I can talk to girls confidently than ever before.
But I am not so confident about talking to all hot sexy girls on whom I encounter. I feel very, very nervous. I would like to see how you start a conversation with a hot chick?
Well an opener I’ll often use is I’ll put out my hand, and the girl will always take it, and I’ll say, “Hi my name is Jesse. I saw you from over there, and I have to tell you that you’re an absolute angel.” That’s enough to start a conversation.
Starting the conversation however is not in what you say, but how you say it. It depends on the tonality and inflection of your voice. You don’t want to open with a needy tonality like “Hey, my name is Jesse. I just saw you from over there, I have to tell you that you’re stunning.” Notice there how the pitch at the end of my sentences rises and my voice is cracking a bit.
The rising pitch in my vocal tonality then is a giveaway that I see her as higher value than myself and that I have nothing to really offer her, but that I’m trying to get something from her, that I’m seeking her approval of me.
But if you approach and open with a more neutral, matter of fact tonality, like “Hey my name is Jesse. I saw you from over there, you’re an absolute darling,” with a smile and perhaps putting out your hand, the woman will take it as a matter of fact observation and not feel all creeped out or weirded out by it. She’ll just see you as a cool guy who had the guts to come up and talk to her in a MANLY way.
In that way I wouldn’t be so concerned that you’re actually feeling “confidence” inside but rather that your voice tonality comes across correctly. That you’re not rising the pitch at the ends of your sentences, like “Hi, my name is Jesse. How are you?? Do you like me?? Please like me??”, but just keep a flat, neutral tonality, or breaking rapport tonality which sounds much more confident and masculine. “Hey, You! Yeah you! Who are you? What’s your name??” So that you come across as cool, calm, collected, a man who just goes after what he wants, rather than coming across as needy and wanting.
And the tonality of your voice is the number one factor in how you will come across. That’s about 90% of the battle right there.
So starting a conversation with a hot chick is pretty easy, you just go up and do it, the question then is a matter of your inner game. And we get back to this issue of Starlight, feeling like a 10 out of 10 inside.
Because if you’re walking down the street, feeling like, yeah I’m the shit, I’m the man, and you’re dancing and excited for the day, and happy, and euphoric, and just all around awesome, and sexually alive, approaching girls will feel so much easier, just natural even, because saying hello will come as a natural extension of your feelings and who you are and how you’re feeling inside.
If you’re feeling great, you’re going to want to naturally share that with other people, touch other people with Starlight, give other people a taste of what you feel, almost like you’re a Messiah touching and healing the emotionally downtrodden and sick with your fantastic state and energy.
Thank you for your emails. I really enjoy them and I might as well want to thank you.
If I had to sit with you someday, which I’d really love to because I’d learn so much from your experience, I would have many questions; however, the main subject would be the opening lines/conversation. How would you break up a woman’s bitch shield. How would you handle and deal with a woman in the first couple of sentences you approach her with?
Well, first of all, if you think in terms of women having “bitch shields” that must be overcome or broken through, you’re already probably going to hit a brick wall that cannot be passed because number ONE, that kind of mentality is going to make you nervous.
Focusing on “bitch shields” will make pickup and meeting cool girls seem like a chore that you’d rather not deal with because, after all, who really wants to deal with bitch shields?? Nobody! I know that if every attractive girl I were to approach were to have a bitch shield, well, I’d rather not deal with the whole thing of pickup, and I don’t want to deal with “breaking down” the bitch shield, I mean what a pain in the ass.
Here it comes back down to having that Starlight state, that incredible 10 out of 10 state where you come to the girl so joyous and so happy and so in your own world that your mere voice and presence makes her feel alive, and energy, and a good feeling inside the pit of her stomach.
Really I’ll meet a girl just saying, “Hey my name is Jesse” and start talking about whatever is coming to my mind but with that great state that is going to make HER feel good inside.
Really, I don’t get “bitch shields”. I don’t, not if I’m feeling the right state within myself. When I’m “on” I have close to a 100% open rate and close to a 100% follow through rate. Sometimes I get a bitch shield I guess, but by coming in so powerfully it’s a like an ocean wave that just body slams the girl and the bitch shield is just snuffed out within the first few seconds, like an ocean wave drowning out campfire, the wave is just going to win, and I don’t even notice resistance because I just plow right over it.
Again the key to handling “bitch shields” is snuffing them out as soon as you say “hello” and that all depends on the state you’re feeling inside. And then this issue isn’t even an issue anymore.
Let’s move onto the next question shall we…
This is Salman! How are you? First of all, I’d like to thank you for the great materials you deliver… I mean the dangerous materials…
So, in short, when it comes to girls I know how to trigger attraction inside them when they get to know me. But the problem is the beginning! I mean I go to university now where I get to meet hundreds of beautiful girls but I’m not courageous enough to approach them. I’m always kind of worried what other people think of me. Any ideas would be deeply appreciated.
Okay, being worried about what others think of you is a big problem a lot of guys have, and its part of our upbringing and social conditioning in society. You’re at the university right now. In school all of your training is geared around getting approval from the teacher, getting the grade, getting approval of your parents who might be financially supporting you to get the grade, approval of friends, and the purpose of school is get approval from all of these people so that you can one day go out into the real world, make money, and get approval from girls because of your money or job.
So you are surrounded by an approval seeking culture on campus, and it’s fine to play that game BUT, you do need to condition yourself to be far less approval seeking outside of your studies.
So you’re walking through the campus say. And what are you doing, I’m guessing? You are looking at the girls you pass by, looking for approval, approval seeking in every moment.
You see a hot girl, and like a bat you send a sonar wave to bounce off of her. “Is she looking at me? What does she think of me? Is she smiling at me? Can I approach her?” Like a computer pinging or a bat sending sonic waves that bounce off the target back to you, you’re constantly practicing in your mind approval seeking and what other people think of you.
So to begin with you need to have a clear head. You need to clear your mind as you walk. You can’t be pinging people constantly for approval and what they think of you because otherwise you are training your brain approval seeking 24 hours a day and as a result you get really good at it.
So you have to have a clear mind, like a Zen yogi up on top of the mountain, that is the first step. Can you just look at a hot girl walking past and just be horny for her, with nothing else in your head. Not thinking you have to approach, but just feel sexual attraction, and not all of the these other polluting thoughts?
And once you clear your head of this constant need to ping others, can you start to feel like a 10 out of 10, can you start to feel that Starlight state, where you just feel great and awesome and happy, and sexual? That’s they key here.
Okay next question…
Hi Jesse, my main problem is nothing new to the PUA community: it is the approach anxiety blocking normal cool thinking just before an approach. I found it helpful, not to wait longer than a few seconds before approaching.
As soon as I let this period become longer without daring to say anything, the rejection anxiety mostly becomes too high to overcome.
The other problem is, what to say. Prefabricated pick-up lines have mostly the problem of feeling inappropriate, which is probably right. Therefore, I found that situation appropriate lines (which and how these are, is the question) are the best to both keep you from losing face in case of rejection and get her to accept them, without getting the feeling you want to pick her up, but only talk about something.
All the best,
Well Romeo, as for approaching right away, if you are arrive to a bar or to a club, yes I do recommend approaching the first girl or set of girls that you see. Doesn’t matter if she weighs 300 pounds or if you’d need to be really drunk to kiss her, just approach the FIRST set of girls you see and say hello. It doesn’t even have to go well. You don’t even have to be in a good state.
But then it is OUT OF THE WAY and you will feel so much better for having said hello, you’ll find that things just flow and move along.
So yes, if you start walking around the bar, intellectually deciding or trying to figure out who to talk to, your intellectual rationalizing mind will begin to kick in and start making reasons and excuses to NOT approach. So yes, a 10 second rule is good, but I’d rather think of it as just be social. Just be social and say hello to the first girl who is in your physical proximity.
And if you don’t make that approach, instead of walking around the club like a deer in the headlights, physically leave the club, find a quiet space where you can collect yourself and clear your head of all the muck for 5 minutes, and then go back to the entrance of the bar and club and start again. Enter, be social, and say hello to the first girl or girls you see.
Now as for situational appropriate lines, I’m guessing you mean if you’re in a bookstore, you open a woman by asking her about a book, or if you’re in a bar you comment on the décor or energy of the party. You say you do this to save face in the case of a rejection.
But really, this isn’t the best way to go. I’m all about being direct and putting my intentions upfront. So I’ll introduce myself, “Hey girl, I’m Jesse. You know, you are absolutely sexy as hell.”
Now I might switch to small talk right after that, but at least that way, the girl knows where I’m coming from up front, at least up front that sexual tension is there. And that way, I’m telling her straight up how I feel, I’m being genuine, I’m going for what I want, I’m not beating around the bush and bullshitting her.
I mean you see a hot girl in a bookstore and you ask her about a book, its complete bullshit, you know you don’t really care about the book and if she’s a hot girl, she knows in the back of her mind why you’re there, so you might as well be direct and upfront with the girl, and girls like that. They actually appreciate it more if you’re direct with them, as long as you’re not coming across in a needy fashion with a needy, grasping voice.
So the situation appropriate lines, drop them. As you said yourself, you’re using them to save face, in other words to protect your ego. You’re using them as a defense mechanism and as a result, yes they’re safe, but they’re also boring. It’s not going to pump up the girls emotions or make you stand out and you’re going to feel real fake using them.