Chivalrous behavior doesn’t mean that you’re a pushover “nice guy”.
A lot of guys think that they have to buy their way to a woman’s heart – or at least have enough money, looks, cars, skills in whatever, and so on to win a woman’s affections. Usually they have the following ideas in their head:
“I need to have a lot of money to have beautiful women… I need to have a new car to have beautiful women… I need to have this or that skill to have beautiful women… I need to have thick arms and a model’s face to have beautiful women… I need to be the most interesting conversationalist on the planet to have beautiful women… I need to have more of a life to have beautiful women.”
So it’s no surprise that when a man with these ideas in his head actually has a date with a beautiful woman, he’s insecure – because he doesn’t live up to his idealized image of what he should be. So he compensates by attempting to buy a woman’s attention – with candies, cards, flowers, presents, and fine dining.
Of course, on the inside he’s nervous as hell – nervous on an unconscious level that he’s a fake and a fraud, not truly living up to his idealized image of what he should be – and nervous that the woman, despite his best efforts, will accept his gifts but reject HIM.
So he acts conservative about what he says and does so as to please the woman and not risk in any way offending her… leading him to act stiff and wooden with sweaty palms and wet armpits… making him even more nervous and uncomfortable – which the girl can sense through subtle body language and voice signals… making HER feel nervous and uncomfortable as well.
It’s a date that’s sure to end in a vicious downward spiral of flaming disaster. Believe me, a long time ago I was there too and it wasn’t fun. In fact, it sort of feels like walking in front of a speeding bus.
Now, some guys who rightfully avoid this “I’m a desperate super-nice guy, I-have-to-kiss-her-ass-so-that-hopefully-she-likes-me” behavior make the mistake of overreacting and doing just the exact OPPOSITE. They play the role of the COLD JERK.
Instead of being the kissy-assy nice guy, they act like the meanie. Instead of playfully teasing a girl, they put her down about things she can’t change about herself and insult her. They turn their backs on and ignore the girl to the point of rudeness. They ignore what the girl has to say when she’s genuinely opening up to them. They laugh AT the girl when she does something silly or stupid or makes an honest mistake. Instead of calling her a “brat” in a teasing way, they call her “stupid” or a “slut” at seemingly random moments. They flake out on a girl simply to “discipline her”, even when she’s already been showing the best behavior.
This kind of approach doesn’t work either, because it’s cruel. Girls will just think you’re a dick, and rightly so. High quality girls won’t put up with it, at least not for long.
So while you don’t want to be a total kiss-ass, this does NOT mean you want to make the mistake of becoming a cold jerk either. Here’s the key:
You want to be CHIVALROUS IN SMALL WAYS… IN WAYS THAT HAVING NOTHING TO DO WITH MONEY!
Yes that’s right. You want to be a gentleman in SMALL ways and do SMALL courtesies for her with chivalrous behavior. Like opening and closing the car’s passenger-side door for her to get in. Or holding the door open for a woman and allowing her to walk through first. Or allowing the woman to step off the elevator first before you do. Or if she’s wearing a genuinely nice dress or an interesting accessory, to compliment her on it. Or listening to her – genuinely listening to her – when she has something to say.
Now notice that none of these small courtesies and chivalrous behavior have anything to do with money. By being chivalrous, you are NOT attempting to buy her affections. Instead, you’re showing her courtesies that she would expect ANY guy with a good heart to show ALL women, regardless of whom the woman was or her looks. After all, wouldn’t you hold the door open for your grandmother? Or help her down the steps? Or genuinely listen to what a friend had to say?
Chivalrous behavior shows to a woman that you have a *side* of you that is of a refined gentleman. It’s your protective side – the side of you that would look after her if she got sick and be there to feed her chicken soup.
Chivalrous behavior demonstrates to a woman that you have SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE – that you act appropriately in different social situations. For example, if she found herself at the Presidential Inaugural Ball with you, she would know you could hold your own with the suit-wearing elites and wouldn’t act like some foul-mouthed jackass. Or if she introduced you to her parents she would know you wouldn’t slap her ass in front of her Dad or crack diarrhea jokes in front of her Mom.
Of course, being chivalrous in small ways doesn’t mean being careful and conservative about how you act around women. Chivalry doesn’t mean becoming a boring stiff who is always worried whether he’s acting in the right manner.
And chivalry doesn’t mean “Knightly Chivalry” where you ride in on a horse, recite poems, and sprinkle rose pedals around her feet like she’s Queen Guinevere. Being chivalrous isn’t the same as being wishy-washy “nice”.
To illustrate: after helping her out of the car, you might be making funny faces and sticking your tongue out at her. A few minutes after holding her hand down some steps you might start a tickling match with her. After noticing her new dress, you might give her a playful slap on the ass.
The key is to be relaxed, playful and fun and punctuate it with chivalric behavior.
Surprise her by showing how much a gentlemen you can be at moments, and how much a gentleman you are to ALL women – including your friends, relatives, and even total strangers. You may hit her by surprise in the back of the head with a pillow or call her a “dork” in a teasing kind of way, but you also help old ladies across the street.
Remember, you want her to think that you’re a GOOD guy with a GOOD heart, not a wet noodle of a “nice guy” who will do anything for her no matter how badly or rudely SHE acts. Small acts of courtesy will get you farther in this respect than any number of large gifts.