Now a lot of guys attempt to buy their way to a woman’s heart. They buy women flowers, chocolates, concert tickets, and treat them to dinners to expensive restaurants. Their logic is, “If I can just impress her by buying her all of these things to show her how much I like her, then she’ll love me back.”
But the more you spend on a woman, the deeper you sink yourself into quicksand.
The problem isn’t in having money. Women like guys with money, all else being equal. The problem occurs when guys spend money on women EVEN WHEN THE WOMAN DOESN’T DESERVE IT.
For example, let’s say you take a girl out on a first date. You know next to nothing about her except her name. You take her to a nice restaurant and a movie afterward – and spend $100.00 by the end of the night.
You think this will REALLY impress her. You think this will show her how much you like her.
Well guess what. To a woman, it’s NOT impressive.
After all, what did she do to deserve you having all this money spent on her? You didn’t even know her. For all you knew, she was the ice-queen bitch from hell who steps on butterflies to get her jollies. And yet you just spent $100 to win her over, to make her like you.
Let me ask you this. Would you walk up to a random homeless woman on the street and take her out to a restaurant and a movie at the cost of $100? No. So why would you take a girl to a movie and dinner for $100 when you knew nothing about her, no more than you did a random homeless woman?
You didn’t spend money on her for the love of her personality or her intelligence. Maybe the homeless woman has more personality or intelligence than your date.
You did it because of her LOOKS. That’s it.
And women know that you’re kissing their asses when you spend lots of money on them just because of their looks. It comes across as needy desperation to get into her pants – not as genuine love for who she is as a human being on the inside, but as superficial love for how she looks like on the outside.
In fact, any combination of the following thoughts might be bubbling at the edge of a woman’s consciousness when you do this type of behavior:
“He doesn’t even know me… he must only like me for my looks, why else would he be spending all of this money on me before he even knows what I’m truly like? He’s superficial.”
“This guy sure acts weird around me. He doesn’t act like this around his other friends. He must be awestruck by my beauty – and therefore, hasn’t dated beautiful women in the past. He’s not a man with high value.”
“This guy really likes me… in fact he’s kissing my ass… I have him wrapped around me little finger. I’ll just use him to get all of his money. What a chump.”
“I feel intense pressure to reciprocate the favors. But I don’t even know if I like this guy yet. If I decide not to date him again, I’ll feel so guilty. This makes me uncomfortable.”
Notice all of the feelings you elicit in a woman when you lavish her with gifts and money… that you’re superficial, you’re not man with high value, that you’re a chump, and it makes her uncomfortable… all the exact OPPOSITE reactions that you thought it would get you!!
Now imagine that you’re after another girl. But she doesn’t return your phone calls. When you get her on the phone, she gives you the, “I have to wash my hair excuse,” so as not to see you. When you do finally go out, she’s one hour late. She arrives like it was perfectly natural to keep you waiting for so long and you wear a smile on your face – after all you don’t want to “offend” her.
You take her to an expensive restaurant to win her over – despite the fact that she’s treated you with a total lack of respect so far. You’re eating, and she gets a call on her cell phone – from her ex-boyfriend. She continues to have an animated conversation with him for 20 minutes on the phone right in front of you.
So what do you do? You put on a smile and afterwards take her out to a movie – paying for her in full plus the $6 for popcorn and soda.
This is the same, sad story of thousands of well-meaning guys who have spent THOUSANDS of dollars on a beautiful woman. He lavishes her with gifts, buys her presents, and takes her to expensive restaurants – while she uses him, walks all over him, and doesn’t treat him with respect.
And guess what – HE NEVER GETS HER NO MATTER HOW HARD HE TRIES.
Because the harder he tries, the faster he sinks. Because when a woman treats you badly and you treat her like a queen, you look NEEDY. You look like a WHIMP. You smell like A LOSER.
After all, you wouldn’t let your friends or family ever treat you that way – and reward them for doing it!!
She becomes the dominant and you become the submissive. If she criticizes you, you try harder. If she complains, you spend more. You’re rewarding her bad behavior!
Sure if you spend a lot of money on her, she may stick around so that she can USE you. Why give up a boundless source of free money and attention? But just because a woman likes your attention, it does NOT mean she will sleep with you. You are her attention FRIEND… with money. That’s all you are to her. And yet most men continue to put beautiful women on a pedestal, despite receiving the most spoiled, rude, atrocious behavior they could possibly put up with.
And here lies the secret as to why beautiful women typically fall in love with “jerks” and “bad boys”.
It’s not because jerks and bad boys are good for women. It’s because jerks and bad boys don’t spend money on them and kiss their ass all the time. Jerks and bad boys express their own opinions regardless of what she thinks. Jerks and bad boys aren’t afraid of offending her when they playfully slap her ass, tease her about her outfit, and talk about naughty things. Jerks and bad boys don’t mind turning their backs and walking away if she throws a spoiled hissy-fit.
In other words, jerks and bad boys are the only men that treat her like a real HUMAN BEING instead of trying to buy their way into her pants.
You don’t have to become a jerk to succeed with women however. The secret is, simply don’t reward women for their bad behavior.
Now, on the opposite extreme, some guys take this advice to an extreme. They live by the credo that they will buy a woman NOTHING and that she has to pay for at least half of everything.
Remember though, the date should be about YOU and not your money. This means not spending extravagantly on a woman but nor does it mean making a big deal out of petty, trivial expenses.
For example, a good first date where money is out of the picture would be to meet up at the beach or at a Starbucks for coffee. At a coffee shop it can be quite natural for you to both pay for your drinks separately. On the other hand, it’s also quite acceptable for you to pay for her $3 cup of coffee. The expense is so trivial it will not make you look like a needy loser.
Likewise, if you drive her to visit the art museum together, don’t insist that she pay for half the gas in order to prove that she won’t take advantage of you. This only makes you look like a toady cheapskate. Paying for small things is quite okay, as long as she is not disrespecting you.
Now, sometimes it is OKAY to spend extravagantly on a woman, but ONLY when the following three criteria are met:
First, ONLY AFTER YOU’VE SLEPT WITH HER. Women have the diamonds, men have the gold. Your gold is your leverage power, diamonds are the girl’s. If you give up your gold too soon, what incentive does the girl to give up her diamonds? None. That’s why you CAN spend a lot of money on a girl, but only AFTER you’ve slept with her. Sleeping with you should be considered good behavior and is eligible for a reward.
Second, ONLY reward if she’s exhibited good behavior. Even after a girl has slept with you, she must continue to exhibit GOOD behavior before you spend a lot of money on her. Yes, she may have slept with you, but she may also continue treating you like dirt. For example, not calling you back or showing up extremely late without regard for your time or making out with another guy right in front of you. In such cases, don’t reward her for bad behavior.
And third, ONLY reward her once in a while. Even with a girl who’s already slept with you, is sweet and nice to you, and treats you with respect, you don’t want to lavish her with candy, gifts, and trips every week in the same way you don’t buy your nephew everything you fancy for them or take them to McDonald’s every time they ask. You should reserve these things for special treats and special occasions. This is just common sense and yet so many men fail to follow their common sense because their neediness and insecurity rule their actions.
This is how many guys ruin their relationships with perfectly great girls. The man’s neediness and insecurity becomes apparent through his constant attempts to spoil her with money to prove his love and prove to her he is worthwhile.
After a while any girl will see that this constant gift giving and spoiling is not out of love but out of neediness and insecurity and that you will probably lavish gifts on her despite her behavior. Most women leave these kinds of relationships quickly.
8 thoughts on “No More Mister Nice Guy – Why Diamonds and Dinners Always Backfire”
Speaking as a single and dating female, this article speaks my mind… as do many of your other ones Jesse.
But I can’t help but add one other personal frustration I keep having with dating… I’ve been in situations where I’ve looked forward all week in anticipation of going out on a date with a guy for the first time (based on the impression he made when we met), and then the day arrives and there’s this ridiculously awkward, almost high school-ish conversation with the guy about where to go/ what time/ the details… and it always something like, me: so what’s the plan tonight?”, him: “uh… I dunno, what do you feel like doing?”… or me: “what time are you thinking tonight?”, him: “uh… I dunno, what time do you wanna meet?”… Really? As a man who I hope is secure, well-established, and strong (i.e. dominant as I see it) in your 20s/ 30s/ 40s you still don’t have any activity/ restaurant/ anything you enjoy to bring a girl into your world/ interests? And even worst, you don’t know what time you’re available??? Why are some of these guys I’m meeting acting like shy, indecisive schoolgirls??? Cause I’m not into that!
After this type of conversation, I suddenly “remember” that I have a report to write for work that exact night and have to “post-pone” the date… and never talk to the guy again. Not trying to be some tough chick or anything (remember, I said I was looking forward/ turned on all week by the thought of the guy), but suddenly it’s like the sahara desert!
Look, I’m not saying you should force a woman to go anywhere… I myself am actually independent, very career oriented, dominant around friends/ family/ colleagues/ society, and I have far too many opinions/ interests/ preferences of my own, but when it comes to dating men, do I have to always make every minor, inconsequential decision as well? I will put a 100% into any dating situation, but for gods sake, is it too much to ask for that if a man picks up a woman, and suggests going out on a date, that they act like a man, be decisive, know their own interests/ things they like to do, and just tell me their plan? No, you don’t need to pick a fancy restaurant (as eluded to in this article) and spend time making reservations or anything… but just pick a day, time, place, and transportation arrangements (let’s meet there, I’m picking you up old-fashioned style, doesn’t matter, make a decision!). Is that demanding too much from men these days? Are you worried the woman will go to a restaurant you picked where she’s allergic to all their food, and she won’t tell you just because you suggested it and die of an allergic reaction (lol)? Cause trust me, she won’t! She also won’t ditch her little old grandma if she promised to take her grocery shopping at the exact time you want to meet… Hopefully she’s not that desperate! She’ll let you know if there’s a “major” problem with the plans you’re offering… adjustments are always allowed! She just wants to date a man… and in many women’s minds, a man is strong, decisive, and at the very least knows what he wants (my definition of a dominant man). And sometimes you can even just ask her first if there are any major deal breakers (i.e., any foods you don’t eat? Any days that don’t work for you this week?) before making your decision and sharing it with her.
Jesse, I really hope you can write an article or make a video to help some of today’s men take charge in dating… cause if a guy is going to be so self-conscious that it kills him to even tell a girl when and where they’re going on their date, I get this nauseating image that if (by divine intervention) things ever led to the bedroom, he’d lie on top of her, do her like a lazy drill, looking out at the headboard the entire time avoiding eye contact as if he’s ashamed of his hard-on and god forbid he notice her arousal and enjoy it, and do his best to think happy thoughts until he’s done… the kind of sex that’s not even worth the effort to take one’s skirt off.
These days it seems that the only men that call themselves dominant are either “Doms” (reference to BDSM) which not all women are into, or the occasional “wife-beater” types who don’t truly have respect and appreciation for the feminine energy. I worry that the true dominant man is a thing of the past 🙁
p.s. please don’t counter with how women are to blame for everything. Today’s women are far from perfect and we have our own “glitches” to work through… this is just one frustration I keep encountering.
So sorry for the loooong rant! this sort of thing has been murdering my libido for so long!
Thanks Kim, I appreciate your perspective
Personally i agree with everything you have said Jesse, but I believe that you can STILL take a girl to an expensive dinner on the first date if A) you actually like eating in such restaurants because you have the money and GENERALLY eat out a lot in such establishments and
B) you tell the girl right from the start (in a fun way) “look sweetie pie, don’t get the impression that I’m trying to impress you with dinner at THIS place, it’s just that I eat here a lot and haven’t been here in a looooong time. But next week it gonna be burgers and fries at Mc Donald’s.
David, you’re absolutely right
Hey, assuming you are on your first date what would you do so that you are not the one paying for everything? Im thinking tell her to ‘you pay for my food i pay for yours’ kind of thing but not rudely. Are there any other things you use?
you can pay if it’s small, like coffee or a snack. no need to be a “cheapskate”. The issue comes down to expensive dinners. you shouldn’t even be taking a girl out to an expensive dinner in the first place on a first date.
Also, you CAN pay for the first date, as long as it’s NOT meant to “impress her” with your money. That is where it gets really lame and girls find you to be a pushover. So if you pay, coming from the headspace of LEADING AS A MAN, and NOT to impress, you can generally get away with paying.
I appreciate that many men and women these days believe that all date expenses, even the first date, should be split… but to me, if a guy does as the article suggests and take me out on a regular, nothing-fancy, inexpensive date, and wants me to split the bill, it gives me the impression that (mistaken or not, they’re just the impressions I get):
– if life were all split into S & M, he would be a sub. Dominance to me, involves an active life… social and otherwise… which cost some money… so if he’s tight with a few bucks on a first date that he invites a girl to, I get an image of him spending his week eating TV dinners and packing his lunch for work the next day
– this guy is probably can’t be too adventurous/ fun-loving/ spontaneous (also dominant traits), bc again, in this day and age, many activities cost money and if he’s not willing to dish out a few bucks on a date, I don’t really see him “living it up” to the max in non-dating situations
– isn’t interested in me sexually/ romantically and wants to be friends; now he’s in the “nice guy who wants to be my friend” zone cause I believe, mistakenly or not, that whatever interest I might have had in him is not going to be reciprocated
– this guy won’t help me embrace my natural, submissive, feminine desire to be “protected” by a man who is proud of his own masculine power… think a mild version of the damsel in distress fantasy some women have (I know, I know, it’s 2015, I shouldn’t be having these desires… I can’t help it, bc as this site suggests, I’m hardwired for it!)… NOT because he has to spend ANY money for that (NO money required actually)… but if he decides to take me on a date that requires spending what might be a small amount of money, and this small bill on a first date gets him to the stage of “you do you, I do me”… I just don’t get the “he’s gonna sweep me off my feet tonight” vibe from him… he’s setting the stage for the remainder of our encounters (what’s the sex gonna be like? mutual masturbation?)…
Sure, if he takes her to an extravagant/ expensive place from the start, he might give off the “I’m trying to impress you with my money because I have nothing else to offer” vibe (as the article suggests). But if they’re going somewhere regular and even that is too much effort for the guy to put in… then does
Personally, if such a situation came up, I’d just pay for the whole bill… not just to make him feel like less of a man (he’s probably not the type that would anyways if he wanted to split the bill from the get-go), but also because I feel guilty that I’m not turned on by him and won’t be seeing him for date #2.
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