Most guys when they go out to meet girls, it’s all about hand-holding themselves and trying to avoid any kind of pain or social pressure or fear. Going out is all about minimizing negative feelings and negative emotions.
The problem is that going out and having success with girls initially is about social pressure, negative feelings, negative outcomes to a degree.
So if you’re whole being and purpose is to avoid those things, you’re not going to go out, you’re going to stay home instead.
The fact is that you’re only going to get better when you push the boundaries of your comfort zone. And that, by definition, means spending much of your time UNCOMFORTABLE.
At home, we make ourselves comfortable by watching television, at work we make ourselves comfortable by taking it easy when we can. We seek comfort in food, in our friends, in our relationships. Most of our life is seeking comfort and avoiding discomfort.
But going out to meet women is NOT like that. Going out to meet women is about stepping OUT of comfort and becoming Uncomfortable. Even painful sometimes. Like hitting up the gym is uncomfortable.
And the best way to improve quickly is to make yourself VERY uncomfortable. Let’s say you spot a girl that is very average looking, let’s call her a “7”, and you’re too nervous to approach her.
Well the best way to get over that fear of saying hello to average-looking girls is to go up to the really hot ones with no game plan, no method, no complicated strategy, and just allow yourself to stand there and approach and ride the edge of chaos.
Pushing your comfort boundaries that much makes approaching the average looking girls really EASY after that.
It’s that struggle in the face of intense social pressure that allows your muscles to get strong and have success with girls.
It’s struggle, it’s pressure that makes you get better. Meeting girls is not a cakewalk, and it’s not about avoiding discomfort. Meeting girls is not about feeling comfortable at all times, it’s not like going to a cozy restaurant and knowing exactly what you’re going to get.
So instead of thinking going out was, “How can I make this easy for myself?” You want to start thinking in terms of, “How can I make this HARDER for myself?? How can I make it harder so that I can build these muscles!”
Because trying to make it easy on yourself, you’ll just stay in your same old patterns and fears. By trying to control the process and minimize pain, you don’t grow. Instead, you want to create chaos and maximize your discomfort. That’s where the personal growth comes.
So instead of looking for easy girls and easy sets, you want to look for difficult girls and the most difficult sets. Instead of holding your hand like a little child, you want to kick your own butt. Instead of being your own nanny, you want to be your own bad-ass drill sergeant who’s a mean asshole who pushes you OUT of your comfort zone and creates a level of discomfort and even pain.
That’s how you grow. That’s how you excel. That’s how you succeed. That’s how you have success with girls.
Losers Never Start
So why do some guys succeed with girls, while others fail?
Most people fail at various aspects of their lives, like women, because to excel in any area of your life requires a great deal of passion, requires really immersing yourself in the learning process.
Like if you want to learn the game of Chess, or become good at playing hockey, you’ve got to really immerse yourself in those sports for a good while and log a fair number of hours playing the game. You’ve got to have passion for your sport.
And passion requires stepping up to the plate and spending the time. You need to take risks. You’ve got to make mistakes that will at times, leave you looking like an idiot frankly.
But making mistakes of course is a necessary part of the trial and error process that eventually leads to success, leads to mastery, leads to girls.
And that’s the difference between winners and losers in any sport, whether it’s chess, or it’s hockey, or it’s women.
Losers never start.
Winners step up to the plate, and their small successes beget larger successes. It’s those 20% of the winners that are getting 80% of the hot girls.
One way to become a winner that starts, that steps up to the plate, and that follows through is to do it in other areas of your life, taking up a sport outside of women.
Like lifting weights.
When I was in high school, I decided to start lifting weights because I was so skinny and I figured that having some muscle would bulk me up and start getting noticed more by girls.
Well, working out daily did get me more looks, though it didn’t get me laid because at the end of the day I was too scared to talk to girls, even though I put on more muscle.
But what hitting the gym DID do was school me in successful habits. The habit of starting, the habit of going even when I didn’t feel like it, the habit of following through.
I spent countless hours over the years hitting the weights. Through that process, through the immersion, and being passionate, I began a journey toward mastery over my physical body.
And with each new success, came a higher level of confidence.
From the gym, I started to feel that I could really master anything with time and dedication and perseverance.
And that’s the difference. People who lose never start or don’t follow through; and masters who succeed don’t dabble, no they play with passion!
So success with girls really comes down to taking responsibility.
It comes down to not passing the blame on others or the environment for your setbacks.
As an adult, you’ve got to take responsibility for yourself and for what you do – or what you fail to do. To start leading your life from the front, instead of simply reacting to the environment as a passive observer or passive victim.
And that from every failure or set back, it’s a win or learn situation, so that each time you can come back stronger and punching harder.
Knowing that when you just stick to the process, have patience and perseverance, that when you keep moving forward, success will be inevitable and success with start to stack.
That as roadblocks arise along your path, it’s those hurdles that must be overcome that is what creates mastery and excellence… that in fact, you look forward to the hurdles and bullshit because that’s what turns you into a man who can handle anything thrown at him.
The natural instincts that we have as human beings is to always be looking for the lazy way to live our lives where we come to a lifestyle of living situation where things are stagnant, deadlocked, or predictable.
Like in our minds we want say, the hot girlfriend, the nice apartment, and our girlfriend sucks our dicks all day and makes us food and we have a nice job and we live in this apartment and that’s it. We have happiness. We have a vision of a single moment and every day for the rest of our lives, we want it to be like that moment.
Where we don’t have to be learning anything new, we don’t have to be re-learning how the world works. Where there’s no instability and no challenges and no crisis.
But in reality, having a dream for a stagnant period of utopia is not realistic.
First of all, with any girlfriend, most girls are a little crazy, there’s a lot of emotional drama. She can break up with you. Or more likely, you can easily grow tired of her. He Coolidge effect. After a number of years, she grows older, she has her man so she doesn’t keep in physical shape and gets fat, and that younger model comes by, and since you know the game and pickup, you feel temptation. Things change.
Or your nice apartment or nice car. You get bored with. Suddenly, once you achieve it, you have the itch to travel or do something new.
And just with the bigger picture of the world in general, things are not static, they are ever changing.
Things are moving fast.
The computer or device you’re using to listen to this audio will probably be a piece of crap in 10 years time.
Your favorite clothes will one day be hopelessly out of style.
But bigger than technological and cultural change, you’ve got sea level rising, which late within your lifetime be displacing hundreds of millions of people. We’re nearing the end of the era of cheap oil, so everything you buy which depends on oil for transportation, like food, consumer goods, will be fluctuating in price, mostly up and up.
But even capitalism itself is a possibly very inherently unstable economic system, prone to convulsions, throwing millions out of work, or creating bubbles of over exuberance, and even collapse of economies like Argentina in 1999, and now possibly Greece, and these collapses spread to other countries that are economically intertwined.
And even things we take for granted, like “the capitalism system” we’re in, the economy, the government, buildings, hot water, food that you don’t even grow yourself… they’re all just THERE. We don’t question them. They’re just there and we think they’ll always be there. That’s how it FEELS.
But we forget that just three generations ago, none of what we assume today existed. And that just two generations ago, there was a world war, the most brutal war in the history of mankind that leveled much of Europe, and for a while it wasn’t sure if much of mankind would live under dictatorships or not.
One generation ago, there was real possibility of nuclear annihilation of the entire world.
So our mind looks more peace, stability, tranquility, where we “get the girlfriend” and our lives will be happily ever after, and we don’t need to grow much or change. Kind of like the “on a beach, in a hammock, sipping coladas with a hot girl” fantasy.
But with events changing so rapidly, and even with the instability just in relationships, it’s not realistic to think this way. And you wouldn’t want to anyway.
Change Is Like The Gym
You see, your mind is just like your muscles.
When you hit the gym, at first you hate working out. Your muscles hate it. It’s not a habit, they’re not used to it, it feels like a pain in the ass. But if you stick with it, you gain momentum, your muscles get stronger, it releases feel-good testosterone into your body, and working out makes you look good, makes you feel good, and you count it as an overall positive experience.
Same with your mind. Once you cultivate a habit of thinking or adapting, or changing, it becomes more natural and your mind begins to hunger and crave for new stimulation and new challenges and for change. And your brain wants to be worked.
And that’s you’ll succeed in a rapidly changing world, and rapidly change relationships when your brain enjoys the challenges of it.
And instead of waking up in the morning thinking how you can get away with doing the least amount possible and changing the least amount, instead you’re eager to take on the challenges and to adapt.
That’s about releasing testosterone, and being a man. And having fun. And success with girls. And as the world moves faster, and even through economic crisis or relationship crisis, or environmental crisis of the whole planet, you can use those as opportunities to keep things interesting and keep growing as a man.
And that comes back to pickup and dating women.
The technology has changed. It’s not about a dinner and a movie like 30 years ago.
Instead, there’s been a flowering of knowledge that has suddenly been unleashed by the intersection of a number of new technologies such as the Internet becoming ubiquitous, large cities where guys can meet many girls and run tests and experiments, where society has become wealthy enough for easy transportation and leisure time to spend on dating and socializing.
Twenty years ago, you would simply have been FUCKED if you want to meet girls, with no avenue of how to do it.
So that’s a HUGE change.
And your own lifestyle has to change as well. Not doing what you’re most comfortable with. Because what’s most comfortable for anyone, is watching Internet YouTube videos or watching television. Or playing games.
But it’s the challenge where every day comes with a different experience, and different challenges that force you to grow. Like approaching women and pushing your boundaries of socializing. That’s forcing yourself to be adaptable.
And your best experiences you look back on in your life will be when you challenged yourself, when you met that girl… NOT when you took the easy route of watching another episode of television.
So for success with girls, embrace this idea of change. This embrace this idea of instability and crisis. Embrace this idea of challenge. Embrace this idea of growth. And you’ll have the potential to live an incredibly fulfilling life, no matter what’s coming down the pipeline for yourself and for mankind.
11 thoughts on “Success With Girls – Be Your Own Drill Sergeant, Step Up, And Embrace Change”
Love your drift into spirituality
Jesse, I think what you explained comes up to the advice, that it is not as important to know what you know, but more important for your success to know what you don’t know. And about what you don’t know you have to find out more and that doesn’t work out without leaving your comfort zone.
Your last two posts (the other was abt online addiction) remind me of Wayne Dyer in his ‘Your Erroneous Zones’ book. A no-nonsense, inn-your-face adviser! Keep it up!
Will do, glad it’s helpful
Brilliant post Jesse
i love most of them that you post
keep enlightening us 😉
Fantastic Post !!
Everyone should read this!
Jesse, I really feel this is one of your best posts. It not only applies to women in dating but to life in general.
Do you think improving in one area in life can improve other areas.
For example if you get used to uncomfortable situations like being hungry, having muscle pain from working out, taking cold showers…
Can those things help you feel more comfortable around women?
Enis, thanks. To answer your question, no. You need to feel discomfort in social situations, feel social pressure. Taking cold showers or being hungry won’t help you.
Leave your thoughts below…