In Junior High, I knocked over a metal bar that guided the cafeteria line. As the divider clanged and echoed throughout the large room, a silence descended, waiting to see whether fight or flight was in order with such a large noise.
Neither was; once everyone realized what had happened, laughter came. Looking back, I now know that much of the laughter was just a release of momentary unwarranted panic – not all of it was REALLY about me.
But it sure felt that way. Everyone – EVERYONE – was looking at me cackling. Some were pointing. A few goofs were doing impressions in the back.
And, worst of all, one of the closest tables was full of cute girls from my class. Including the one I really liked. Being closer to the explosive aural pierce, they were amongst the heartiest laughers. The girl I liked was elbowing her friends and whispering while staring and snickering at me.
I ran out of there, devastated in the way Junior High Schoolers all are at one point or another.
For days, whenever I saw my young crush in the hall or in class, my face reddened remembering the cafeteria. I grew scared of her presence. I avoided her, as well as all her cute friends.
Time went on, and I found myself having that scared embarrassed feeling triggered by any of the cute girls who saw me. Soon it was all cute girls. And soon I was a wreck around anyone I found attractive.
We all have different triggers, but an early experience of embarrassment plants a STRONG seed. That’s why naturals usually start out with success – they never had to deal with a bad seed startup.
Most of us do. And you know what? It’s the greatest cause for a man failing with the younger girls.
You always hear about how confidence is important, and it’s true. Expectations are an important factor in creating our reality, whether it’s because you preach what you practice in your head, or it’s because you willingly accept what you expect while you discount actions outside your vision of reality.
So confidence creates the right atmosphere for you to succeed. What’s more, instead of being a mere cog in the humdrum, confidence can inspire you to stand out, to break from the crowd, and – actually – to be more of who you really are (since you aren’t scared of personal flaws).
On the other hand, negative thoughts ruin you, especially if you’re an older guy seeking younger women. Subconsciously or not, by believing in negativity you court it, you nurture it, you encourage situations that COULD play out poorly to, in fact, do so.
Nowhere is this more clear than with younger women.
You know something interesting I’ve found? When dealing with young women, a situation with a high potential to go wrong – say she insults you, blows you off – actually leads to success MORE than a comfortable yet bland encounter does.
Why? If you have the CONFIDENCE to believe that things will turn out right, you don’t get nervous. You don’t get knocked off your game. You instead come right back at her in a cool witty way, and that confidence SHINES.
You look like a leader. A man who isn’t scared of the world and who’s comfortable in it.
You look damn sexy.
Great, you say, Thanks a lot Jesse, confidence is good. Glad I spent the money on this book to find that out.
Hold on. I’m here to help, after all. Confidence is not something you’re born with, it’s a habit, as is negative thought.
And I can help you switch from one to the other.
First, I want you to catch your negative thinking as it happens. Picture yourself an observer of your mind. Any time you say something mean to yourself (and most people do this fairly regularly), stop yourself. Ask yourself why.
Don’t rationalize away your flaws – sometimes you’ll have done something wrong. But instead of beating yourself up, look at it as a learning experience. Instead of thinking of yourself as some broken human, see yourself as a work in progress. We all are. We all err.
The only thing to do about it is improve next time. Repeating how much you suck only hurts the situation.
Not to mention, it makes for boring conversation at parties.
If you catch yourself, STOP YOURSELF. If a young cutie girl rejects you, don’t think about all the things you can’t change and worry about that zit.
That shit don’t matter.
What matters is what you CAN change – and odds are, the zit has nothing on your behavior when it comes to women.
Don’t slap your bald spot – analyze your conversation and try to pinpoint where you lost her.
Even if you aren’t getting the responses you want from your fixes, be cool with that. After all, you’re on the right track. You’re being proactive.
Now, we don’t just want to get rid of negative feelings, we want to foster positive ones.
So I’ve got an exercise for you. It may sound strange, but this is what professional athletes do to compete, so trust me, it’s very real.
First, create a calm and relaxed atmosphere, free of emotion. Set yourself aside from the world, and set aside a slot of time for this. You don’t want to be worrying about the dog’s walk.
Lots of people do this through simple breathing meditation – that is, watch your breathing. Just observe it going in and out of your body, how that feels. Count you breaths – from 1 to 10 and back again – until your mind is clear.
If you want, you can lie down and imagine your breath entering your entire body, blowing it up like a balloon, and every time you exhale, another body part relaxes: first your left foot, than your right, next your left lower leg and so on until your body is completely relaxed and free of tension.
Now, picture yourself in a situation with a younger girl. You should have thought about what it is before, but picture the conversation. Imagine it going extremely well. Imagine yourself getting the girl – however you’d most like to get her, do it.
This is how Greg Maddux and Randy Johnson pitch batters. This is how Barry Bonds hits home runs – the non-steroid ones, at least. You have to imagine yourself succeeding so you know what to do when you’re on the path.
Do this a lot. Do this with all different sorts of scenarios. If you’re having trouble letting go of negative situations in the past, imagine them turning out a completely different and positive way. Whenever the situation crops up, remember that you can and would handle it differently now.
If I knocked over the divider now, I’d do a small stand-up around it, sit down with the cute girls, and say “Congratulations ladies – you’re with the star.”
Don’t kid yourself – I didn’t do that; but I would now.
Really, the only thing standing between you and the hottest women in the world is your belief. If you don’t think you can get her, she’ll sense that and you won’t.
If you believe that you can – and indeed, you WILL, and she’ll be the lucky one – well, you won’t get them all, but you’d be surprised how often that simple switch works by itself.
It’ll take time before you can get yourself consistently confident – once you’ve broken through one barrier, you’ll probably stumble on the next. But you’ll be making constant PROGRESS, your confidence will continue to rise, until NO barrier seems insurmountable.
And none of them are. For anyone. Do I need to list the loser-like guys I know who are anything but losers with the ladies again?
Don’t make me do it.
Create your own movie, with you as the star, and watch as people treat you that way. You’ll establish mad social value as you cruise a room handling every situation deftly – and younger women will sniff that power like cats in heat.