As a dating coach, I’ve noticed a lot of pretty clear-cut patterns with guys who are just coming into meeting girls and doing approaches. These are mistakes that guys who are new to the game tend to make, but mistakes that you can fix really easily in a snap and you can easily address which will immediately lead to better results.
Dating Mistake #1: Playing Chess Inside Your Head
The typical guy is playing chess inside his head. He’s lost in thought inside of his head thinking.
At a party, he’s thinking and he’s planning.
He’s thinking, what is the next thing he’s going to say, and how is he going to direct the conversation.
He’s thinking, “what’s the best way to approach this woman.”
He’s thinking, “If I approach, what is the best thing to say to this woman.”
He’s thinking, “When I approach her, how will she react?”
“If I approach her, will this woman accept me and not blow me off?”
He thinks, “And what if everyone else sees me?”
He’s also thinking about which girls to open.
“Is this girl going to accept my approaching her or will this one?”
“Does this girl already have a boyfriend, and if she does is it okay to approach?”
He’s thinking that this girl to his left is too hot for him, and therefore too difficult and will blow him out, but this other girl to his right, well, she’s a little bit ugly and not what I imagine my dream girl would be and not up to my standards.
He’s looking at this one girl and thinking to himself, “Damn she looks pretty serious… bitch shield, baby!”
And he’s looking over at this other girl who is laughing and giggling and thinking, “Man she has really high fun energy. Man, if I just go in there low energy like I am nervous, I’m for sure going to get blown out.”
The typical guy is playing a huge chess game in his head with all the imaginary moves.
And what it does is cause total, complete analysis paralysis. It would for me. And nothing happens.
Dating Mistake #2: Looking for Permission
Number two, the typical guy is always looking for permission to act as well. For example, the typical guy is always looking for Indicators of Interest – IOIs – like eye contact from a girl or a smile from a girl before he feels like he as permission to go up to her or say hello or to open.
He’s nervous about what the girl’s friends might think of him if he goes and approaches the girl. He has a permission mindset, he wants permission from the friends.
There’s a random guy already talking to the girl. He’s nervous about what the other guy might think, maybe it’s her boyfriend, or maybe this guy will get angry. He wants the other guy’s permission before he’ll go and talk to the girl.
He thinks to himself, “If I go up and talk to her, what will the other people in the room think of me?” Will they think I’m a player? What happens if I get blown out, will they see me? So he’s looking for permission from everyone else in the room in general.
And because he’s peretually seeking permission, from the girl herself, he wants IOIs, a smile, eye contact, he wants permission from her friends, what will they think? He wants permission from the other guy talking to the girl, what will he think? He wants general permission from everyone in the room, to go talk to the girl.
What happens is, he just never approaches. Or if he can barrel through all that thinking in head, all that permission seeking anxiety, if he can go up to a girl despite himself, he’s anxious, he goes up with extreme anxiety, he goes in weakly, he goes in with apologetic neediness, basically like a huge apology, “I’m sorry for talking to you. I’m sorry to your friends, I’m sorry to the guy, I’m sorry to the room. I’m sorry for thinking I had a dick.” He comes across as week.
Dating Mistake #3: Resisting the Situation
In addition, your typical guy when he goes into a club for the first time, is he’s resisting the situation, he’s resisting whatever’s right in front of him. He’s at a bar, club, party, he’s never really happy with the situation. He resists it.
He thinks, number one, “There’s just not enough girls here. Not enough girls!”
Or, “There’s too many guys here. There’ too many guys. Two guys for every girl. So, it sucks.”
Or, he’s thinking, “The music is too loud! And I don’t want to speak so loud. It’s going to fuck up my game.”
Or he gets there late in the night. The party is already going and he’s like, “Damn! The energy here is too high.”
Or conversely he gets there early in the night, things haven’t picked up yet. He’s like “Fuck, this sucks… the energy is too low!”
Or he thinks to himself, “Damn, the line is long for this place, I’m going to have to wait there for 30 minutes.”
Or he thinks, “Damn, I didn’t get a good parking space. Damn, there’s a 20 dollar cover… that cover is too much.”
Or he sees the girls around and he thinks, “You know I really like younger college girls, all the women here are in their 30s, that’s too old for me.”
Or he looks around and sees a bunch of teenie boppers and he thinks to himself, “Ugh, young girls are so flippant, they’re so spacey. They’re not mature enough. This sucks, I want older women.”
So he can always find something wrong with the situation, which is a symptom of being stuck inside his head and thinking, thinking, thinking. Analyzing. Playing chess with the big picture of things.
He’s fighting the flow of the situation, it just is what it is, you can’t change those factors, but he wants to fight them by being inside his head. He’s resisting, wishing that the situation in front of him was different in some way.
So, the typical guy is there at the party physically… but he’s not there mentally. He rejects the here and now, he’s unhappy with it. He wants to be farther up the trail on the hike, but when he gets to the next mountain peak, he’s just as unhappy because then that too will be exactly where he is, and there’s another peak in the distance to be reached.
Because of that resistance, it causes your typical guy to feel anxiety, he feels at unease, he is inside his head, it can even cause a mild feeling of depression inside him, extreme negativity.
So that’s the basis of why 99% of the guys who get into this will fail, they will quit, because they have this thinking, inside-their-head mindset, they’re seeking permission at every moment, they’re resisting the situation at every moment.
Dating Mistake #4: Scanning the room
In regards to bars and clubs, is when the guy first enters the room is he starts scanning the room with his eyes, and he gets whiplash turning his head everywhere. And he scans the whole room looking for a girl to talk to. But of course, every girl is in sets with other girls or other guys, and it’s really easy to think of a million reasons not to approach and you quickly psyche yourself out.
So instead, you just want to get to the bar or club and for the first hour, or really two hours, just relax, chill out. Get used to the environment. No pressure. And just introduce yourself to people, really no pressure on yourself, the interactions can last 2 minutes, until you can build a little social momentum.
Dating Mistake #5: Talking from a distance
The next rookie mistake is the guy who is the Distance Talker. This guy goes up to the girl but he’s like 3 feet away and he tries to talk to her. But in a club or bar, you’ve got to be right up to the girl’s head for her to listen to you. So you’ve got to get comfortable being close.
Dating Mistake #6: Staying in one spot
Next mistake is just staying in one spot the entire interaction. But the reality is, girls get more attracted to you the more you move them around. So instead of talking in one spot for an house, move her to the dance floor. Then back to the bar. Now take her outside. Now chill back at the bar. Now go get something to eat. You’re leading her, and by changing location a lot, it makes it feel like she knows you.
Dating Mistake #7: Orbiting the girl you want to talk to
This is the guy who has decided to approach the girl, but he’s not committed to the action. So instead of going straight for the girl, he sort of orbits around her in a meandering circle, half-deciding whether to go in or not. And he gradually approaches until he gets up to the girl and gives her a really timid opener. And it can freak the girl out a little because there’s a certain level of timidness and creepiness to that.
Instead, you just want to go straight up to the girl and nothing will come between you and her and she can feel that. You move with dominance and you move with purpose, and let her see that you’re the kind of guy who goes for what he wants.
Dating Mistake #8: Not physically escalating
I don’t care how much the girl likes you, and how much you like to yap off routines, but you can only have a friendly conversation for so long before it starts to get BORING. And when you don’t physically escalate with the girl, she feels that you’re too SCARED to escalate. So you talk for an hour, guy doesn’t escalate, and girl and guy go their separate ways and the girl feels that you don’t like her. Escalating physically is everything in creating hard attraction.
Dating Mistake #9: Interviewing the girl
This is where you just ask the girl a bunch of interview questions and you’re pushing her to carry the weight of the conversation right off the bat. But what’s attractive to the girl is when you go first and you let her follow your lead.
So instead of asking the girl, “Uh, what do you do?” You just lead by making statements about yourself first, like “I’m really into videogames!” And then she’ll reciprocate by telling you what she’s into. So don’t start off as a reporter, instead lead the conversation by putting yourself out there first.
Dating Mistake #10: Not communicating sexual interest to the girl
Next mistake is not communicating your interest in the girl. A girl isn’t going to be sexually hard attracted to you, or even like you until she knows that you like her on some level. So you’ve got to tell her that you like her, either verbally or physically. So it’s critical to tell all girls you like in the interaction, “I like you,” or “you’re hot”, or “you’re an angel” or whatever, so that she knows that you’re a sexual guy and you don’t get thrown into the “let’s just be friends” zone.
So go out, make the mistakes, and then when you’re back at home write a list of what you did right, and a list of what you might have missed. Because there’s no way you’re going to get everything right going in unless you’ve got a lot of nights under your belt, a lot of approaches under your belt, and you continually keep a list of what to improve.