Guys lack self-confidence and get nervous around with girls because of ONE thing…
They’re attached to the outcome!
Guys have outcomes in mind when they go out to meet girls.
Outcome #1. Wanting to find a girlfriend. Maybe you feel lonely or you feel incomplete and you want a girlfriend to fill up something that feels like it’s missing in your life.
Outcome #2. Looking for a specific type of girl. Maybe you have in mind very specifically a blonde with a pretty face. Some guys are dead-on obsessed about Asian girls. Or maybe in your mind you’re after “9s and 10s”. Or you want a girl that looks like a particular celebrity or porn star, whatever it is.
Outcome #3. You want sex. You want to get laid.
But there’s many more subtler outcomes than those, those are just some of the obvious ones. Even more common outcomes are,
Outcome #4. Wanting to be liked by girls. You see a girl on the street and she’s cute and your overwhelming feeling is that you want her to like you, you want to get her approval from her.
Outcome #5. Wanting to impress girls. Your outcome is that you want to show girls that you’re the coolest most attractive hot guy on the planet with all of your attraction routines and methods and you want like 100% good reactions from women.
Outcome #6. Wanting to become a master “PUA”. You want to be the greatest PUA that ever lived. You want every girl you talk to be entranced by your skills and you want other guys to want to be you.
Outcome #7. Wanting to impress your friends. You’ve got a bunch of friends and you want to show them how great you are with girls. You’ve got something to prove to them.
Outcome #8. You’ve got a routine that you want to use and your outcome is to WOW the girls with it. Or you’ve got a stack of routines that you’ve memorized and you want to pull out you’re “A Game” on the girls.
Outcome #9. You’ve set a goal for yourself that “have to approach and pickup” or “I have to pickup correctly” or “I have to do this right” or “I have to execute this perfectly”.
Why Seeking Outcomes Destroys Your Self-Confidence
So these are all OUTCOMES or goals.
And the problem with ANY of these outcomes is that it’s absolutely devastating to your self-confidence.
Anytime you have an outcome or goal, as soon as you see the girl in the flesh in front of you, a number of things always happen.
Desiring outcomes makes you needy for that outcome to happen.
It makes you grasping.
It makes you desiring
It makes you approval seeking.
You see happiness coming from getting the girl’s approval you.
How Your Confidence Takes A Dive
You see the pretty girl there in front of you in the flesh and blood. First thing that’s going to happen when you’re seeking outcomes is…
You freeze up. You’ve got approach anxiety. And you just stand there and do nothing and let the opportunity pass you by.
Because you have this outcome where you “have” to achieve this or you “must” achieve that. And you’ve got performance pressure to make the girl like you and get her approval. So you just freeze up.
Seeking outcomes put you inside your head and you start over-thinking.
For instance, you want to have “the right thing to say” to impress her and to make her like you. So you freeze up.
You want a girlfriend, so now you place all of your happiness in the girl and in her approval, and you get scared. Your confidence just melts.
Outcomes Sabotage Your Game
Let’s say you say to yourself “fuck it” and you go up to the girl anyway.
Well your problems are just beginning!
Because you’re grasping for an outcome, *like you want to impress her or you want her to like you or approve of you), it makes you nervous and supplicating. It makes your actions timid and conservative and kiss-ass.
So you approach, but your outcome-seeking causes you to…
Not touch the girl. Not physically escalate.
Your outcome-seeking causes you to put on a false smile and agree with everything the girl says.
It causes you to hide your true intentions that you like the girl, and you just have asexual small talk with her instead.
It causes you to pull out a bunch of routines, instead of just being more natural and trusting in yourself.
You become overly helpful, overly accommodating, overly entertaining, and nervous and hyper instead of just being chill, relaxed, and calm and sexy.
And the girl doesn’t feel attraction from you. Instead, you come across as the “nice guy” or the creeper that’s so overly concerned about getting a good reaction and kissing her ass.
And the girl can LIKE you for approaching, but she doesn’t get that wet-between-the-legs hard attraction from you. She’s not going to chase you. It gets you liked, but it doesn’t get you LAID.
And that all stems from desiring outcomes to get sex or to be liked.
So really the secret of success with women, getting over approach anxiety, having self-confidence, doing physical escalation, coming across as more natural… all come down to dropping outcomes and become FREE from outcomes.
Because once you’re free from the outcome, you can suddenly approach women without hesitation. You can physically escalate. You can speak naturally. You can show your intent. And you become massively attractive to women.
Now, being free from the outcome encompasses a number of different ideas or concepts, that really all mean the same thing.
Confidence Is Non-Thinking
Freedom from outcome is not thinking. Not being inside your head.
With freedom from outcome, you see the girl and you just take action without any thought to it. You just act to express yourself and you don’t give a fuck about the outcome. You’re not inside you’re head, at all. You’re not thinking. And your mind is free, and chill, and it’s a very Zen state in a way.
Compare that to grasping for an outcome. Like you want the girl to like you. Or you’re worried about what the people around you will think. Well, then you go inside your head. You begin thinking, scheming, manipulating, trying to control a situation to go in some particular direction.
Confidence is “Not Trying”
When you’re free from the outcome, you “stop trying”.
Yes, your sexual fury and your sexual intent drives you to take action. You see the girl there, you’re horny for the girl, so you act on your raw, animalistic, sexual intention.
But although you’re taking action, you’re “not trying”. Meaning, you’re not scheming, manipulating, grasping, or caring how the outcome turns out. All you’re doing is acting on animal drive.
Because “trying” is wanting an outcome, trying to control the situation to a particular direction, going inside your head to scheme.
“Not trying” you take action, open the girl, and physically escalate. But you’re not grasping for some outcome. You’re just acting in the moment, outside of your head. Again, a very Zen way of doing taking action, almost like a little child would act.
Confidence is “Not Giving A Fuck”
Freedom from outcome means that you don’t give a hoot about results, or what happens with the girl, positive or negative.
You’re not thinking, you’re not being inside your head, you’re not trying, you’re not grasping. You just take action.
And because you don’t give a fuck, you’re not going inside your head at all, you don’t have approach anxiety and you don’t hesitate.
You just act, damn the consequences. In fact, the idea of consequences doesn’t even enter your mind in the first place. You truly don’t care.
Confidence is “Being, Not Trying”
Freedom from outcome and the confidence that comes with it is just “being” instead of “trying”.
“Being” means you just fully accept your personal flaws and foibles, as in you don’t think about them as factors.
Instead, you think of your flaws as features that make you real and authentic. Like maybe you don’t have the best things to say, or you’re a boring conversationalist, or you’re balding… but those are features.
And you’re not trying to be something more, you’re already there. Because trying to be something more than yourself is grasping for an outcome. And freedom from outcomes means, you’re not trying, you’re not self-improving, you’re not trying to be something more than you are.
Confidence Means Having Certainty In Your Actions
Freedom From Outcome means certainty in your actions. Since you truly don’t care about the outcome, positive or negative, you take actions with certainty.
Like when you want to tie your shoelaces, you just bend over and do it without hesitation and tie with certainty. Because you’re not concerned about the outcome.
Certainty in your actions applies to approaching women. You approach without hesitation and with certainty. You get physical without hesitation and with certainty.
You want to approach, boom you do it, no thinking, no trying, very chill. You want to take her hand, boom you do it. And that certainty comes from being detached from positive or negative outcomes.
Confidence Means Having Freedom From The Mind
Freedom from outcome leads to having freedom from the mind. The mind does not enter the picture at all. No thought, no thinking. And that freedom comes from being detached from both positive and negative outcomes.
The freedom from caring or thinking about negative outcomes, but also freedom from caring or thinking about positive outcomes. You don’t care about getting good responses. You’re not response-seeking.
So you can think of freedom from outcome, and thus having self-confidence, as no thinking, as being outside of your head, as being and not trying, as certainty in your actions, as freedom from the mind, as “being in the moment”, as not caring, as not giving a fuck what happens, as being free from positive responses as well as negative ones, as being free from response-seeking… they all mean dropping your attachments from the outcome.
Confidence Is Like A Dream State
Think of having confidence as a kind of like a dream-state in way. When you’re completely outside your head, there’s no past, no future, only that now moment.
And because there’s no future, there’s no future consequences.
There’s no “bad results” or “good results”, so no reason not to go for what you want. And it makes “difficult things” like approaching the girl, very simple. Approaching a girl simply becomes an execution of a very simple action of putting one foot in front of another toward the girl.
So when you see a girl you like, you think to yourself, “Hmm, she’s tasty.” And you go right up to her and you say hello! Very calm, very chill, completely outside your head and in the moment. Approach anxiety gone. Hesitation gone. And you come across as very chill and natural. Because you’re not grasping for any kind of result, you’re not attached to any outcome, positive or negative, whatsoever.
You tell the girl that she’s beautiful and you want to take her out, without hesitation, without going inside your head, without giving a fuck, with complete certainty in your actions, because you’re not attached to any outcome good or bad.
Compare that to your typical guy attached to an outcomes, any outcome.
Because he’s so wrapped up in future outcomes, he lacks self-confidence. He hesitates every step of the way. He has approach anxiety. He thinks twice about physically escalate. He hesitates to ask for the number.
He uses a supplicating, trying-for-rapport voice. He comes across as unsure and shy. He’s scared to express himself and wants to use routines instead. He doesn’t want to be noticed. He doesn’t want to take up space. He’s worried about what he’s wearing or how he’s looking. He’s worried about a million things like if they girl will like him, if someone will see him talk to the girl, and on and on and on.
So freedom from the outcome – it’s essential to your success with girls and critical to having core confidence.
What confidence with girls feels like
Guys have a muddy idea of what confidence actually FEELS like.
When you’re confidence, you feel RELAXED. You feel normal.
You feel CHILL.
It’s like if you’re going to tie your shoelaces, you have freedom from outcome in that action. You feel certainty, normalness, and being relaxes about it.
Whereas most guys feel tense around women. They feel hyper. They feel anxious. They feel stressed. And that’s why guys don’t stay in the game. It makes them feel tired. Because they are grasping for positive outcomes, and doing everything they can to avoid negative ones.
But when you have freedom from outcome, that’s a heavenly feeling of just feeling completely relaxed and normal – in other words, supremely self-confident.
It’s that relaxed state that allows you to have fun with women. Being chill and calm is like the jumping off board for having fun, for self-amusing yourself. And it’s that chill, relaxed state that is what you’re after. It’s what you have when people look at you and see it as “confidence”. But what confidence really is, is just being free from attachments to the outcome.
So you feel calm, peaceful, centered, confident, happy. Where you’re immune from anxiety, immune from hesitation, and immune from fear.
When you can see a group of five girls at the bar, you feel relaxed, chill, and calm. You go up to them, and feeling relaxed, chill, and calm, and tell the girl you like that she’s cute. And her friends try to blow you out, but you’re still feeling relaxed, chill and calm. Because you’re free from the outcome, positive or negative.
And it’s calm, relaxing and peaceful because you’re outside of your head. You’re not thinking. Like as if you were listening to classical musical while looking out over a lake. Go listen to some classical music, while looking out over a lake with some birds chirping in the trees and that’s what Freedom From Outcome feels like.
Confidence is NOT Feeling Hyper!
And that calm, centered, chill, relaxed, happy state is what you want over feeling hyper or fireworks.
Confidence is not something exciting, or flashy, or extravagant. Instead, the coolest, most attractive guys have this chill vibe about themselves. Chill in the face of even being surrounded by gorgeous girls or high pressure social situations, because they’re free from the outcomes.
For example, a guy like George Clooney comes across as sexy because he can get on stage at an awards ceremony in front of thousands of people, and still remain cool and calm and chill and deliver a joke. That freedom from the outcome is what makes him attractive. He doesn’t get super positive, hyper, jumpy, flashy or excited.
So you don’t want to have to pump yourself up to a ridiculous state to overcome outcome attachments. Instead, you want to eliminate your outcome attachments in the first place so that you can just approach being normal, cool, and chill.
And that centered chillness and relaxedness is much more sustainable over a period of a few hours, than being over-the-top pumped up and excited. You can’t remain super excited for more than an hour or two without becoming totally exhausted.
But if you’re chilled and centered, you can go to a club for instance, and be there for hours and hours. And it’s like recharging your batteries, not draining you, because you feel so chill even in the face of social pressure.
And here’s why being hyper, extreme, pumped-up has its limitations: You’re still reaction seeking. You’re pumped up because you’re grasping, because you’re too concerned about the outcome. So you come across as the entertainer man who’s trying too hard. And you can also have a state crash when you don’t get the positive response you want to your hyperness.
Pumping yourself up to an extreme state is fine. The adrenaline rush you get can make you approach. You can get laid that way. It can be useful sometimes in loud, high-energy club situations. But it’s not what you’re shooting for ideally, it’s not the best state to have.
Yes, girls DO want a positive, confident guy. But being a positive guy, is not the same as a slap-happy, super-state pumped up guy. The important thing is to feel good, to feel centered, to feel relaxed, and not necessarily “pumped” into “incredible state”.
Through state-transference, the girl is going to feel relaxed and positive around you if you’re relaxed and positive and centered, and free from outcome. It’s all well and good to be pumped up and excited happy, but that kind of happiness is a fleeting thing, it’s hard to hold onto, it’s exhausting to maintain, and NOT necessary to getting the girl.
Girls are not necessarily looking for a happy feeling from guys, they’re just looking to you to see if you feel good and relaxed in the face of social pressure.
And if you draw your state from within with freedom from outcome (thus, self-confidence), it tells the girl that you’re entitled, that you have purpose and direction in your life, that you’re high value, that you’re a cool guy, that you’re a positive guy, that you have opportunities, and that you’re a man of action.
That’s all you need. That chill, centered, relaxed state (self-confidence) that comes from having freedom from any outcomes.
35 thoughts on “Build Epic Self-Confidence With Girls, The Ultimate Guide!”
Very nice!! I found very valuable post. It will be helpful for every girls who want to know that how to build Self-Confidence.
This is just amazing,i read all ur stuff but this here is sure fire
I have to tell you Jesse, this is one of the best articles I have read out of many different websites for help with women. It only works when you don’t care about the outcome. Thank you for this article.
The easy self confidence is experimenting.
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wow that is mastermind plan,Im insired I wont loose it again 🙂 #it is a perfect picture
thaf is confidence perfect-picture thankX #back 2 reality
now that is perfect picture of confidence @back to reality
I always try and be detached from the outcome but I can’t quite figure out how and get stuck in my head. I hate being attached to the outcome and wanna be free. Any tips on how to get outcomes out of your head?
hello i liked the article..my question is im talking with a girl but she wants to work most of the time so is not ready for a relationship right now. what should i do. wait for her or move on ?
So buddha was right, interesting
i think i will try this on a couple of random girls, this is better, like i am free of bondages of outcome
Fantastic article, in the beggining i freaked cause i thought it had pulled some vodoo jedi mind trick and stole my exact feelings and threw them on page. Ive recently gone to a convention and i couldnt pull myself to speak to any girl there, it was awful but this really seems helpfull and i’ll definitely be working on being rid of the ‘outcomes’ and whatnot.
For years ive had this confidence problem and i also came to the point, where I made a “FU” joke about one of our female teachers and my classmates (female) replied, “yeah as if you actually would”.
That kind of helped me in a way, but i wasn’t quite there yet. I knew what i had to do but not how. And then I came across this article of yours. Its kind of helped me feel better about myself.
My problem is the first few points on top of the post and to add to them, i get embarrassed very easily because im very self conscious all the time. I also know that its unneeded and people often tell me to chill out, relax and not think too much.
But I think after reading this article, the way its written, its helped me and i think im going to act on my next chance.
This applies not only with girls, but to enjoy a gathering of friends, where i am mostly stiff and overly aware of my actions and outcome.
Thanks for solving my problem!
I’m a teen and very attractive I know this because I notice how women stare at me but I have an esteem problem because for years I have kept myself in isolation and played hard to get any advice and also its very hard to convice myself to chill
This is a great piece. I can say, I got it hitted straight on point. Thanks for this great advice.
Coming from a confident man, this is all correctly true!
Men! stay strong and do not veer off the road just because a
woman acts stupid with you! It’s nonsense.
Jesse, I respect your site and all your articles that you have provided for us men. Keep up the fantastic work.
Jesse, you have some great thoughts and advice but your writing is just awful. For example you repeat the world “chill” so many times…it’s just difficult to remain “chill” while reading your sentences…Once again though, you manage to get your point across. I even sent this to my friend, I think it’s useful.
Thanks! Note that this is the transcription from a SPEECH i gave, and when you speak in public it’s more effective to use a lot of repetition to hammer points. So it comes across a little redundant when reading on paper 🙂
“Yes, your sexual fury and your sexual intent drives you to take action.”
How can you have “sexual fury” AND “no outcome”. If I go all “sexual fury”, I’m desiring sex. An outcome.
I fully get the no outcome, chill relaxed part. Spot on. Great. But “sexual fury” seems only to encourage lust and hyper activity.
You can allow your sexual drive to motivate you, without intellectually being needy for an outcome of sex. Allow it to drive you in the moment; but don’t go inside your head thinking about a future outcome. There’s a subtle difference.
Wat is da goal of approaching women if is nt to get laid?.
I find this article very refreshing and was wondering if there’s any confidence-building excerises that can be done to get rid of the “sudden freeze” when I’m near woman. Keep on the awesome job!
there’s some articles– use the search box!
I know this sounds desperate but I”m really quite a good looker but if you are in Sydney and want to practice, feel free to contact me and I’ll let you practice on me and my girlfriends. We could do with extra male friends. Who knows something may come out of it.
lol thanks for the offer. I’d like to hit up Australia one day, doesn’t look like it’s in the cards though
Hey i was wondering is there any mental exercise i can try to chill out around girls i can talk to them pretty well if i don’t want any sort of relationship but i have trouble approaching them and starting the conversation.I grew up with a bit of anxiety having sisters and getting them to help me with girls but the problem was they always make a big deal out of everything.So to this day iim still a virgin iiv never been kissed and never dated and iim home schooled.Iim 6’3 210 and do MMA:|Any advice?
chilling out around girls, that’s a complex issue and the insecurities will vary somewhat from man to man. It starts with self-accepting yourself for all of your flaws, so that you truly believe you’re good enough and deserve the hot ones. Hit me up on the forums.
Really important lesson. I like how specific you are about outcomes in the beginning, it’s like a personal check list. It makes the post usefull.
I get what you’re communicating. But I think goalsetting in general is a really good thing, it is good to know what girl you are looking for and knowing wht kind of ‘relationship’ you want with her…
It’s good to know what you want and be selective about the women you eventually spend time with…
But it’s NOT good to expect short-term outcomes on one specific girl you want to talk to…
Or to go for short-term needs like impressing your friends
It’s about being present in the moment and just following that light curiousity
Approaching girls is really simple… because if a female friend that you know for years was sitting there, you’d have no problem going over to say “Hi”… But insecurities make it really complicated…
Great post man!
great comments Ben, thanks
Leave your thoughts in a comment, thanks! 😀