Most guys want to meet women from the wrong place in their heads and hearts.
They’ve got the wrong goals.
They’ve got goals that self-sabotage themselves and present obstacles, and also bring a level of unhappiness and misery to their lives.
Like a common goal of guys is that they want to find an attractive girlfriend.
They think that an attractive girlfriend will bring them happiness.
And a girlfriend will bring some happiness, it absolutely will.
For a few months.
You’ll be on a high as you fall in love and the girl falls in love with you.
But very quickly that kind of awesome happiness doesn’t last.
First, you discover that the girl has all kinds of issues you didn’t know about.
She gets depressed. She nags you. She sleeps too much. She asks you for money you don’t have.
She looks to you to keep her happy and entertained. She has emotional mood swings. She gets jealous. She tries to control you.
Once she has a guy, she eats lots of junk food and puts on weight. She has family problems that she complains about all the time to you.
It turns out you both have personality differences that cause clashes. And the list goes on and on of head-aches and potential problems that tend to emerge a few months into the relationship.
Even if the girl you meet is the “Perfect Girl” for you, the Coolidge Effect sets in very quickly. Meaning no matter how hot the girl is, you will start to get bored with the sex, and your eye will start to wander. (more on the Coolidge Effect in a moment)
It’s the same reason guys amass these huge porn collections, and they’ll still looking at new porn, bored with the old stuff because the male brain is wired for constantly wanting newness and novelty.
And once the honeymoon period wears off, you’ll be reaching and grasping again for more sex with more girls or looking at porn, or whatever it is.
Sex Itself Does Not Lead To Happiness
And sex isn’t something that’s going to bring you happiness either ultimately.
Girls can have sex anytime they want. Gay guys can easily hook up with new partners anytime they want. Yet you don’t find girls or gay guys any more particularly happy than anyone else.
You could just pay hookers to get sex, but studies show that men who pay for hookers are no happier than men who don’t.
With sex, you get a rush for an hour, dopamine levels in your brain surge, similar to what happens when you take a hard drug like heroine. And then, after the orgasm finishes, your dopamine level in the brain plunges.
And after sex, for that reason, you often feel empty and unsatisfied with it, because that intense pleasurable feeling isn’t something you can hold onto, and the after effects of the orgasm is actually a negative feeling or a drop-off.
Happiness Can’t Last From Outside Sources
So these goals to try to become happier… wanting to get a girlfriend, wanting to get sex, wanting to be liked by girls, wanting a threesome, or anything of the sort…
What all these goals or desires have in common is that happiness is found OUTSIDE of yourself.
You feel you need the girls to make you happy.
So 99% of the time you’re in this “striving mode” of grasping, reaching, calculating, to get the girl so that you can achieve good feelings and happiness. You’re in this grasping, wanting, desiring, trying mode. It’s needy.
But most of all, it’s a stressful thing to not really feel happy and wanting some girls from outside of yourself to fill up the hole and make you feel complete.
And then when you DO get sex, once you orgasm, your dopamine level falls back down like a rock.
Post-orgasm doesn’t feel very good, and that’s where you get that “empty feeling after sex” feeling from.
So just chasing girls you’ll find doesn’t bring you happiness, and getting with the girls doesn’t bring you happiness.
How Outcomes Can Get In Your Way
The other problem with seeing women as the source of happiness from outside yourself, and any of these goals like wanting a girlfriend, wanting to be liked, wanting to be popular, wanting to get laid… is that now you’re needy for an outcome, you’re grasping for a result.
And that’s exactly the source of your approach anxiety, is when you are grasping for goals or desires.
For example, you have in your mind a very specific type of girl that you want – let’s say a blonde with a pretty face.
So you walk all day around the mall, and you spot the girl with the blonde hair and with the pretty face. She’s right there in front of you. She vaguely matches what you have in your mind that you want.
But because you had a goal, because you had an outcome in mind, where happiness comes from outside yourself from the girl, suddenly you’re going to freeze up. You’re going to be nervous. You’re grasping for an outcome, that creates massive approach anxiety.
So you just freeze and you don’t talk to her. Your goal of wanting that girlfriend has now just sabotaged your results!
Or going out with the goal to “get laid”… that will create anxiety, because you’re grasping for an outcome where you perceive you’ll be happy from getting something from a girl.
So paradoxically, what you perceive will make you happy and fulfilled, actually gets in your own way of achieving it.
The Coolidge Effect
Back to girlfriends and their limitations.
The Coolidge Effect is basically the phenomenon where after you have sex with a girl for while, you tend to get bored having sex with her and you start lusting after new girls.
For some guys, they get bored after a month, other guys it’s 3 months, and other guys it can take years.
But the idea is the same for all men; we always come back to lusting after fresh pussy and girls, given enough time.
And it doesn’t matter how hot your girl is, with time you get bored of her.
It’s a common dilemma. You’re with a girl for a year. She’s great to you, she takes care of you, she loves you, she has awesome parents that like you. She’s hot, she’s pretty. She’s everything you could ask for.
And yet, with time, you just want more. You want a platinum blonde with some double D tits.
And even if you got that blonde with the big tits, you’d start to lust after a black haired raven girl with green eyes and a big ass.
It just never seems to end.
Even if you love the girl you’re with, and she makes you happy, your mind starts wandering and thinking about big tits and big asses… or just different girls in general.
The question is, can you ever possibly settle as a man?
The Coolidge Effect In Rats
And the Coolidge Effect is a very real one, documented by scientists in nature.
When you drop a male rat into a cage with a receptive female rat, you see an initial frenzy of sex and copulation.
Then, progressively, the male rat tires of that particular female. Even without an apparent change in her receptivity, the male rat reaches a point where he has little libido-and simply ignores her.
However, if you replace the original female with a fresh female, the male rat immediately revives his sexual energy and begins copulating again. You can repeat this process with fresh females until the rat nearly dies of exhaustion.
So our genetic programming want us primed to pursue promising, new genetic opportunities with new women, even if we risk not “living happily ever after” with the girl we’re already having sex with.
Even if we, as men, manage to stay faithful, this neuro-chemically induced dissatisfaction can make your girl seem more like another serving of “Hamburger Helper.”
And marriages usually follow a downward curve in sexual activity.
Before marriage, it’s usual for you to initiate intercourse at a fairly high frequency with your fiancée.
But after a few years of marriage however, your sexual appetite begins to wane and a reversal of libido occurs, with your now frustrated wife demanding more lovemaking than you’re able to supply, because you tire of sex more easily.
We just get less and less dopamine “reward” during sex with our current girl, dopamine which gives you that drive and high in sex.
But you’re still of course perfectly capable of being aroused by the cute girl at the office and if you were invited to an orgy, you’d have little difficulty completing intercourse with two or three anonymous young women.
And new sex partners is one of the most effective cures for the dopamine blues.
A brand new girl raises your dopamine far higher than sex with a familiar girl. And the best way to feel good and sexually explosive is to have sex with a new girl.
It’s the same reason guys tend to collect so much porn and simultaneously get tired of the same videos so quickly. For a moment we think we’ve found the greatest porn of all time, but after seeing the same video a few times we never go back.
Guys think they’re amassing this wonderful database of pleasure, but then don’t even go back to revisit the pictures again. Because it’s the compelling part of the NEW image, the NEW girl, the novel girl that is what compels you to get that dopamine rush. Again, the Coolidge Effect at work.
And the really sneaky, twisted aspect of the Coolidge Effect is that you will ALWAYS think that you’re immune to it in the arms of a new lover.
While you’re getting that dopamine rush from a new girl, you think you’ll just love her and be sexually attracted to her forever and ever. New lovers always believe that they’re immune. As do people who are not getting enough love and sex, they think that if they could just get that girl, it would solve all of their sex problems and needs. And it’s only AFTER the initial honeymoon period wears off, and the Coolidge Effect set in, does the reality slap you in the face.
The Ultimate Contradiction Of Male Biology
So we have this drive to pair bond, but we also get bored of the sex and have a drive to get dopamine rush through having sex with new girls.
Even when you’re deeply attached to a woman, which could be your girlfriend or your wife, and you want her in your life and you draw comfort and security from your relationship, at the same time the Coolidge Effect is a powerful motivator to seek out new girls.
This can take the form of cheating with other girls, or watching porn, or not having a girlfriend at all and continually chasing new women.
And this is made more complicated in a society that idealizes love and intimacy. Our close, romantic relationships are supposed to be perfect, full of passion, intimacy, and unconditional love.
Society, media, and our culture create an image of romance and love that’s nearly impossible to achieve. As a result, our expectations of love and romance are extremely high, but our human nature makes this difficult and often leaves people broken hearted. Because as men, at the end of the day, we’re driven to seek out new girls.
Solutions For Couples
So in most cases, the marriage just breaks up. 50% of all marriages end in divorce, with the Coolidge Effect being a big factor where the man just doesn’t want sex with his wife anymore. And of the other 50% who stay together, something like only 25% of those couples report on being very happy into their later years.
Your odds are kind of grim of living happily ever after.
But a few couples go through all kinds of creative solutions.
Some couples cope by cranking up the dopamine rushes using porn or acting out sexual fantasies together. In both cases, they’re attempting to fool the brain into thinking that a new mating opportunity has arrived.
Other couples raise their dopamine by swapping with other couples, like swinging. Some guys are into “hot wifing” which is basically dressing up their wife in hot, slutty clothes and watching their wife get fucked and sexually ravaged by other men who are eager to jump at the chance of a new sexual opportunity. And that in turn gets the husband horny, fooling his brain into thinking his wife is a fresh piece of meat to have sex with.
Other men don’t orgasm into their girl, to prevent the dopamine rush of orgasm from flooding their brain, and thus they ward off the Coolidge Effect.
And in Jewish communities, Kosher sex, for example, prescribes that the husband and wife spend two weeks of every month in separate beds, so that the Coolidge Effect doesn’t set it.
So what does this mean for you?
The Coolidge Effect is something that you should be aware of before rushing into becoming exclusive with a girl. Knowing the fact that within some time, the sex will become increasingly uninteresting and you will have to take measures to ward off the Coolidge Effect so that you can better keep your relationship intact.