Most guys want to meet women from the wrong place in their heads and hearts.
They’ve got the wrong goals.
They’ve got goals that self-sabotage themselves and present obstacles, and also bring a level of unhappiness and misery to their lives.
Like a common goal of guys is that they want to find an attractive girlfriend.
They think that an attractive girlfriend will bring them happiness.
And a girlfriend will bring some happiness, it absolutely will.
For a few months.
You’ll be on a high as you fall in love and the girl falls in love with you.
But very quickly that kind of awesome happiness doesn’t last.
First, you discover that the girl has all kinds of issues you didn’t know about.
She gets depressed. She nags you. She sleeps too much. She asks you for money you don’t have.
She looks to you to keep her happy and entertained. She has emotional mood swings. She gets jealous. She tries to control you.
Once she has a guy, she eats lots of junk food and puts on weight. She has family problems that she complains about all the time to you.
It turns out you both have personality differences that cause clashes. And the list goes on and on of head-aches and potential problems that tend to emerge a few months into the relationship.
Even if the girl you meet is the “Perfect Girl” for you, the Coolidge Effect sets in very quickly. Meaning no matter how hot the girl is, you will start to get bored with the sex, and your eye will start to wander. (more on the Coolidge Effect in a moment)
It’s the same reason guys amass these huge porn collections, and they’ll still looking at new porn, bored with the old stuff because the male brain is wired for constantly wanting newness and novelty.
And once the honeymoon period wears off, you’ll be reaching and grasping again for more sex with more girls or looking at porn, or whatever it is.
Sex Itself Does Not Lead To Happiness
And sex isn’t something that’s going to bring you happiness either ultimately.
Girls can have sex anytime they want. Gay guys can easily hook up with new partners anytime they want. Yet you don’t find girls or gay guys any more particularly happy than anyone else.
You could just pay hookers to get sex, but studies show that men who pay for hookers are no happier than men who don’t.
With sex, you get a rush for an hour, dopamine levels in your brain surge, similar to what happens when you take a hard drug like heroine. And then, after the orgasm finishes, your dopamine level in the brain plunges.
And after sex, for that reason, you often feel empty and unsatisfied with it, because that intense pleasurable feeling isn’t something you can hold onto, and the after effects of the orgasm is actually a negative feeling or a drop-off.
Happiness Can’t Last From Outside Sources
So these goals to try to become happier… wanting to get a girlfriend, wanting to get sex, wanting to be liked by girls, wanting a threesome, or anything of the sort…
What all these goals or desires have in common is that happiness is found OUTSIDE of yourself.
You feel you need the girls to make you happy.
So 99% of the time you’re in this “striving mode” of grasping, reaching, calculating, to get the girl so that you can achieve good feelings and happiness. You’re in this grasping, wanting, desiring, trying mode. It’s needy.
But most of all, it’s a stressful thing to not really feel happy and wanting some girls from outside of yourself to fill up the hole and make you feel complete.
And then when you DO get sex, once you orgasm, your dopamine level falls back down like a rock.
Post-orgasm doesn’t feel very good, and that’s where you get that “empty feeling after sex” feeling from.
So just chasing girls you’ll find doesn’t bring you happiness, and getting with the girls doesn’t bring you happiness.
How Outcomes Can Get In Your Way
The other problem with seeing women as the source of happiness from outside yourself, and any of these goals like wanting a girlfriend, wanting to be liked, wanting to be popular, wanting to get laid… is that now you’re needy for an outcome, you’re grasping for a result.
And that’s exactly the source of your approach anxiety, is when you are grasping for goals or desires.
For example, you have in your mind a very specific type of girl that you want – let’s say a blonde with a pretty face.
So you walk all day around the mall, and you spot the girl with the blonde hair and with the pretty face. She’s right there in front of you. She vaguely matches what you have in your mind that you want.
But because you had a goal, because you had an outcome in mind, where happiness comes from outside yourself from the girl, suddenly you’re going to freeze up. You’re going to be nervous. You’re grasping for an outcome, that creates massive approach anxiety.
So you just freeze and you don’t talk to her. Your goal of wanting that girlfriend has now just sabotaged your results!
Or going out with the goal to “get laid”… that will create anxiety, because you’re grasping for an outcome where you perceive you’ll be happy from getting something from a girl.
So paradoxically, what you perceive will make you happy and fulfilled, actually gets in your own way of achieving it.
The Coolidge Effect
Back to girlfriends and their limitations.
The Coolidge Effect is basically the phenomenon where after you have sex with a girl for while, you tend to get bored having sex with her and you start lusting after new girls.
For some guys, they get bored after a month, other guys it’s 3 months, and other guys it can take years.
But the idea is the same for all men; we always come back to lusting after fresh pussy and girls, given enough time.
And it doesn’t matter how hot your girl is, with time you get bored of her.
It’s a common dilemma. You’re with a girl for a year. She’s great to you, she takes care of you, she loves you, she has awesome parents that like you. She’s hot, she’s pretty. She’s everything you could ask for.
And yet, with time, you just want more. You want a platinum blonde with some double D tits.
And even if you got that blonde with the big tits, you’d start to lust after a black haired raven girl with green eyes and a big ass.
It just never seems to end.
Even if you love the girl you’re with, and she makes you happy, your mind starts wandering and thinking about big tits and big asses… or just different girls in general.
The question is, can you ever possibly settle as a man?
The Coolidge Effect In Rats
And the Coolidge Effect is a very real one, documented by scientists in nature.
When you drop a male rat into a cage with a receptive female rat, you see an initial frenzy of sex and copulation.
Then, progressively, the male rat tires of that particular female. Even without an apparent change in her receptivity, the male rat reaches a point where he has little libido-and simply ignores her.
However, if you replace the original female with a fresh female, the male rat immediately revives his sexual energy and begins copulating again. You can repeat this process with fresh females until the rat nearly dies of exhaustion.
So our genetic programming want us primed to pursue promising, new genetic opportunities with new women, even if we risk not “living happily ever after” with the girl we’re already having sex with.
Even if we, as men, manage to stay faithful, this neuro-chemically induced dissatisfaction can make your girl seem more like another serving of “Hamburger Helper.”
And marriages usually follow a downward curve in sexual activity.
Before marriage, it’s usual for you to initiate intercourse at a fairly high frequency with your fiancée.
But after a few years of marriage however, your sexual appetite begins to wane and a reversal of libido occurs, with your now frustrated wife demanding more lovemaking than you’re able to supply, because you tire of sex more easily.
We just get less and less dopamine “reward” during sex with our current girl, dopamine which gives you that drive and high in sex.
But you’re still of course perfectly capable of being aroused by the cute girl at the office and if you were invited to an orgy, you’d have little difficulty completing intercourse with two or three anonymous young women.
And new sex partners is one of the most effective cures for the dopamine blues.
A brand new girl raises your dopamine far higher than sex with a familiar girl. And the best way to feel good and sexually explosive is to have sex with a new girl.
It’s the same reason guys tend to collect so much porn and simultaneously get tired of the same videos so quickly. For a moment we think we’ve found the greatest porn of all time, but after seeing the same video a few times we never go back.
Guys think they’re amassing this wonderful database of pleasure, but then don’t even go back to revisit the pictures again. Because it’s the compelling part of the NEW image, the NEW girl, the novel girl that is what compels you to get that dopamine rush. Again, the Coolidge Effect at work.
And the really sneaky, twisted aspect of the Coolidge Effect is that you will ALWAYS think that you’re immune to it in the arms of a new lover.
While you’re getting that dopamine rush from a new girl, you think you’ll just love her and be sexually attracted to her forever and ever. New lovers always believe that they’re immune. As do people who are not getting enough love and sex, they think that if they could just get that girl, it would solve all of their sex problems and needs. And it’s only AFTER the initial honeymoon period wears off, and the Coolidge Effect set in, does the reality slap you in the face.
The Ultimate Contradiction Of Male Biology
So we have this drive to pair bond, but we also get bored of the sex and have a drive to get dopamine rush through having sex with new girls.
Even when you’re deeply attached to a woman, which could be your girlfriend or your wife, and you want her in your life and you draw comfort and security from your relationship, at the same time the Coolidge Effect is a powerful motivator to seek out new girls.
This can take the form of cheating with other girls, or watching porn, or not having a girlfriend at all and continually chasing new women.
And this is made more complicated in a society that idealizes love and intimacy. Our close, romantic relationships are supposed to be perfect, full of passion, intimacy, and unconditional love.
Society, media, and our culture create an image of romance and love that’s nearly impossible to achieve. As a result, our expectations of love and romance are extremely high, but our human nature makes this difficult and often leaves people broken hearted. Because as men, at the end of the day, we’re driven to seek out new girls.
Solutions For Couples
So in most cases, the marriage just breaks up. 50% of all marriages end in divorce, with the Coolidge Effect being a big factor where the man just doesn’t want sex with his wife anymore. And of the other 50% who stay together, something like only 25% of those couples report on being very happy into their later years.
Your odds are kind of grim of living happily ever after.
But a few couples go through all kinds of creative solutions.
Some couples cope by cranking up the dopamine rushes using porn or acting out sexual fantasies together. In both cases, they’re attempting to fool the brain into thinking that a new mating opportunity has arrived.
Other couples raise their dopamine by swapping with other couples, like swinging. Some guys are into “hot wifing” which is basically dressing up their wife in hot, slutty clothes and watching their wife get fucked and sexually ravaged by other men who are eager to jump at the chance of a new sexual opportunity. And that in turn gets the husband horny, fooling his brain into thinking his wife is a fresh piece of meat to have sex with.
Other men don’t orgasm into their girl, to prevent the dopamine rush of orgasm from flooding their brain, and thus they ward off the Coolidge Effect.
And in Jewish communities, Kosher sex, for example, prescribes that the husband and wife spend two weeks of every month in separate beds, so that the Coolidge Effect doesn’t set it.
So what does this mean for you?
The Coolidge Effect is something that you should be aware of before rushing into becoming exclusive with a girl. Knowing the fact that within some time, the sex will become increasingly uninteresting and you will have to take measures to ward off the Coolidge Effect so that you can better keep your relationship intact.
This is incredibly one-sided! Did it ever occur to you that women could feel the same too? The Coolidge effect is not exclusive to men!
ya, it takes a lot to be happy and a girlfriend on her own isnt enough
Thanks, very enlightening.
All truth……….and those guys who disagree with this need to get over themselves. All Jesse is saying is that you can’t find happiness “out there”………you must find that happiness within yourself in order to successfully and confidently maneuver your way thru life. Ultimately it’s about being comfortable in your own skin and being “your own best friend” and not having to depend on fleeting relationships and transitory states of excitement that can never last. Yes, do enjoy these, and enjoy them often!!!!! But don’t rely on these flights of fancy to be your ultimate purpose in life. Know thyself!
Right on bro!
You either accept this or continue to live in your denial state of mind.
Either way, reality will eventually slap you on the face.
You said in your article:
“Before marriage, it’s usual for you to initiate intercourse at a fairly high frequency with your fiancée.
But after a few years of marriage however, your sexual appetite begins to wane and a reversal of libido occurs, with your now frustrated wife demanding more lovemaking than you’re able to supply, because you tire of sex more easily.
We just get less and less dopamine “reward” during sex with our current girl, dopamine which gives you that drive and high in sex.
But you’re still of course perfectly capable of being aroused by the cute girl at the office and if you were invited to an orgy, you’d have little difficulty completing intercourse with two or three anonymous young women.”
“Before marriage it is usual for men to initiate intercourse at a fairly high frequency with their fiancée. After a few years of marriage, however, the husband’s sexual appetite begins to wane and an apparent reversal of libido may even occur, with the now frustrated wife demanding more love-making than her ‘tired’ husband is able to supply. He, of course, is still perfectly capable of being aroused by his mistresses and office girls and, if fortunate enough to secure an invitation to an orgy, would have little difficulty completing intercourse with two or three anonymous young women in the course of the evening’s festivities.”
You took pretty much all of that and used it word for word.
this is pretty sad. I think this is a pretty jaded view. Probably all of you that are agreeing with this including the author had families that were unhappy-ie. your parents had problems weren’t happy together and probably aren’t still together. I know mine did and that’s why I have alot of sorry unfinished business and beliefs about how relationships can’t last in a satisfying, meaningful and happy way. But ultimately our human drive is for love and connection with an intimate partner, even though it appears like it’s just to get the next hottest pussy. that is an addiction. just like the wanting the next bite of cake. of course a rat is going to eat as much cake as you give him, maybe until he dies…but we’re not happy in our relationsips because we haven’t dealt with those deeply vulnerabe feelings and issues that make us want to turn away from our woman and find someone else..ie the perfect girl for us… there is actually alot of evidence that people can be happy and have even deeper juicier and more meaningful sex when they are in a happily bonded and secure relationships, where they can fully be supported to be themselves and be totally real in their hearts. Proabably most men need to start with getting connected to their hearts. if you feel numb you’re protecting yourself from feeling. that’s ok just start to be aware that you’re protecting yourself from intimacy with yourself and your woman and the world. and you might want more than that..and that may be whats underneath your constant need. Check out Sue Johnson’s book love sense to get the science and practical application of true love and sex. or at the least pick up David Deida’s books. To your happiness. and your happy penis
this is pretty sad. I think this is a pretty jaded view. Probably all of you that are agreeing with this including the author had families that were unhappy-ie. your parents had problems weren’t happy together and probably aren’t still together. I know mine did and that’s why I have alot of sorry unfinished business and beliefs about how relationships can’t last in a satisfying, meaningful and happy way. But ultimately our human drive is for love and connection with an intimate partner, even though it appears like it’s just to get the next hottest pussy. that is an addiction. just like the wanting the next bite of cake. of course a rat is going to eat as much cake as you give him, maybe until he dies…but we’re not happy in our relationsips because we haven’t dealt with those deeply vulnerabe feelings and issues that make us want to turn away from our woman and find someone else..ie the perfect girl for us… there is actually alot of evidence that people can be happy and have even deeper juicier and more meaningful sex when they are in a happily bonded and secure relationships, where they can fully be supported to be themselves and be totally real in their hearts. Proabably most men need to start with getting connected to their hearts. if you feel numb you’re protecting yourself from feeling. that’s ok just start to be aware that you’re protecting yourself from intimacy with yourself and your woman and the world. and you might want more than that..and that may be whats underneath your constant need. Check out Sue Johnson’s book love sense to get the science and practical application of true love and sex. or at the least pick up David Deida’s books. To your happiness. and your happy penis
I do have a question. I write for a relationship site and it seems I have more men hurt by women.If the Coolidge does exist in men why doesnt it affect these poor guys that are desperate to have a standing love affair with their girl friend.
This is an INCREDIBLE post, thank you. I was dumped by a girl a couple of weeks ago and had completely lost interest in her whilst I was with her. I think she picked up on it and ended us. Now I can’t have her all I can do is think of her sexually (but not spending time with her).
One question how does wanting what we can’t have affect the Coolidge effect? For example if you took a female rat which the male rat had got bored of sexually and restricted physical access to her but so he could see her would he want to fuck her like crazy again?
It’s articles like this which really make you think rationally about the situation. Thank you everso much
CarlJr, you sir are 100% right about it. respect for you and to all “men” not males.
This is such a pathetic article, whoever wrote it must not be part of the intelligent males that have evolved to be monogamous. or part of the good men who do not look at women or at least are respectful. This whole coolidge effect is based on some horny lab rat, Jesus. What about bonding and emotions with partners vs empty meaningless sex. Its also an age thing, 28 onwards is find a mate time and make babies. And happily ever after – most people will live til 70s 80s by then your penis is too shrivelled up to shag new females lol. This attitude is so stupid and written by low class, serial cheaters looking for justification. Grow up.
I actually agree with this to some degree. It all depends on what you want. Do you want “hot sex” more than love? Because you’ll forever be chasing girls if all you want is hot sex. But if you want real love with someone then you can get that with one person until you die I believe.
Wow, this is so insightful. What is a cure for Coolidge Effect if you really want to make your marriage work as a man?
I read this article with a smirk on my face. I had a buddy of mine dive headlong into marriage with a chick (that bailed out on her boyfriend after 10 years of being with him or so I’m told). During their “courtship” she came onto me and another buddy of mine (sigh) anyways they’re now married with two kids ; how long I wonder…how long before the inevitable. You’re best bet is to just go out, have fun and nail everything that you fucking can.
I’d like to make a point relating to this paragraph:
“So in most cases, the marriage just breaks up. 50% of all marriages end in divorce, with the Coolidge Effect being a big factor where the man just doesn’t want sex with his wife anymore.”
If you see divorce statistics you’ll find that the majority of all divorces are initiated by women, (often for reasons unrelated unrelated to sex–although it’s true that there might be a lot of sexually unsatisfied wives out there), which means that marriages don’t break up because the man lost interest in his wife (even if he has). They break up for other reasons, usually domestic violence ets…
Don’t be so sure.
Lack of interest in a woman can be crushing to a woman’s self esteem and leave her vulnerable to feelings of gratitude to men attracted to her (because they have not yet been assaulted by the Coolidge Effect).
They feel attractive, are convinced they deserve to be worshiped (and sure, they do, why not?) and leave the boring guy watching TV playing combat video games on the couch for her next doomed marriage with a guy who will ALSO forget to worship her.
Domestic violence can be cause by the Coolidge Effect. The increasing disinterest with each other reduces the value of your partner and allows spouses to take chances with losing decreasing amounts of affection. You take risks because the marriage doesn’t seem as valuable as that dopamine rush that feels like “love”. You do inconsiderate things because you want to and don’t care as much about losing your spouse as you once did. You may even get violent because your spouse isn’t as important to you as they once were.
They aren’t exclusive. Coolidge Effect is a monster and when we’re not made aware of it going in to marriage, we may not understand just what we’re saying when we say “til death do we part”.
Uhhh…except not really. Haven’t you ever had an annoying roommate or lived with your parents under tense conditions? Did you hit them? It’s never okay to hit anyone. Just because your dopamine rush is over doesn’t mean that the next logical step is to whack your partner.
Saw the same error about the divorce statistics. Also read recent statistics from a book that overall men rate their marriage satisfaction overall higher than women, from 0 years to 30+ years of marriage.
This article is pretty lame. Love is about more than dopamine rushes. Same people still need to get high and drunk to feel ‘thrills’ about their life. It’s time to grow up. Happiness has nothing to do with how horny you get for your woman. You should fix yourself before you drive her away and some other guy appreciates her.
And this part?
“First, you discover that the girl has all kinds of issues you didn’t know about.
She gets depressed. She nags you. She sleeps too much. She asks you for money you don’t have.
She looks to you to keep her happy and entertained. She has emotional mood swings. She gets jealous. She tries to control you.
Once she has a guy, she eats lots of junk food and puts on weight. She has family problems that she complains about all the time to you.”
You sound bitter over past relationships. I’ve never had these issues. Maybe you should pick suitable mates before writing articles pretty much telling all these misguided readers that marriages and long term relationships are horrible and unfulfilling. Here’s better advice: Find a decent female who actually has life goals and individuality, not one who sits and complains on the couch while getting fat (c’mon…common sense). She should be too occupied to be doing anything you mentioned above. Are we talking about a human being or adopting a pet here? Find. Someone. Worthwhile. If you’re still strongly lusting after other women to the point of wanting to drop the relationship and resenting your partner to get a quick lay…that’s not normal and you have some problems to work out. You have a very unhealthy and negative perspective. I seriously hope people aren’t taking this advice to heart.
For every nag she’s squawked at you, I’m sure you’ve skimped on the house chores or halfassed something in some way. Marriages fail today in America moreso because of unsatisfied women than men. That isn’t to say that chicks aren’t without flaws. But you should hardly be complaining considering this bitter little article you cranked out and a handful of guys praising it really shows all of you guys’ immaturity when it comes to long term relationships. Either you suck at picking out girlfriends or you don’t put in effort into relationships and wonder why your cute sexy girl turns into Satan. Probably both.
If getting laid and awesome sex is seriously the biggest part of your interpersonal relationships, then god I am so sorry for you. You must’ve missed the evolution wagon, you poor monkey.
Relationships are about giving, not receiving (eheheh). And love is a verb, not the oxytocin buzz in your brain.
This post just made me die a little inside. It was nice to become aware of it now tho.
cold reality 😕
Well with my girl it started out with passion intense love but then she started to go to church and became abstinent until she gets married so what do I? and its a long distance relationship, I stole her away from her old boyfriend made her cheat with me and I feel sometimes she might do to me behind my back.
goodluck idiot
beware…
every guy who talked publicly about free love and sex freedom was killed by the all loving society:
jesus
osho
wilhelm reich
this is what the herd fears…
that they can be free and its their own choice.
uderstand my friend… most people WANT to be enslaved.
by the governments,
in their relationships
by the corporations
sometimes by the church
good points, thanks
so basically you’re saying that i’ll never be happily ever after with any women? that’s a bit sad when you think of it. perhaps i’ll wait until i’m 50 to get married so i won’t be thinking about sex all the time by then
you’ll have a short burst of happiness, so women are worth pursuing of course, but for long term happiness it will need to come from other things besides just one woman
How about allowing our men have their side fun? Honestly, I’ve done this before where I allowed my man to have sex with another girl and our relationship worked out for the best. His Dick was always happy and so was he. I like to believe that I have a high sex drive but there are certain days that my body just can’t so why be selfish about it. Men will always wonder. I rather be in the know instead or not knowing at all. Plus, I find it arousing knowing he is getting please;)
Hey Ric, I’m 51 and just finished my 2nd marriage….trust me, you NEVER stop thinking about having sex with young hotties! So just accept this fact and figure out what you want. (Look into Polyamory and Serial Monogamy!) But the good thing is – if you are motivated you CAN make it happen at my age (See Jesse’s article on “High Value Outlier Males”). Jesse – your stuff works – you’ve figured out more great shit than I did in 30 years of chasing chicks! BIG THANKS, Man!
great comment thanks
That was a really good post man. I’ve never looked much into the Coolidge effect, but it all makes sense. I shall do some more research. Cheers to a solid post!
thanks tripp
so if we never ejaculate we will be horny as hell all the time ? kegel squeezes ?
leave your thoughts below, thanks