How Perfectionism leads to Pressure… leads to Performance Anxiety… leads to No Results!

A lot of guys have this misguided notion that they want to achieve “perfect game” or get “perfect responses” or “never get rejected”.

But this desire to achieve perfection or anything near perfection is actually a very bad idea.

The reality is, nothing is 100% perfect or fool-proof and you don’t want it to be. If you were too perfect, too smooth, it would come across to the girl as plastic. You wouldn’t seem real to her.

It’s actually your imperfections and your flaws that makes you seem REAL, and AUTHENTIC, and cute to the girl.

Look, you’ve got to learn to live with imperfection. Things aren’t going to always go the way you think they’re going to go. In fact most of the time, things are not going to go the way that you try to plan them.

First, Assume Success

The key is, to first assume success. Don’t assume you’re going to get bad reactions from girls, but assume success. Expect that the girls will be in a good mood and assume that everything you do is attractive to the girls.

And then let the cards fall where they may, and allow yourself to make lots of fuck ups and mistakes.

Second, Embrace Your Flaws

Embrace your imperfections. Embrace your flaws.

Don’t hide them, don’t obsess over “weak points”, don’t try to make them go away.

Don’t try to smooth over your imperfections. If you’re focused on your shortcomings, it’s going to make you nervous and seem weak to the girls.

Live your game in that zone of imperfection. It’s perfectly alright, and girls like it.

I mean, do you want to look good or do you want to get laid?

Just assume success and assume that all of your flaws and foibles is exactly what makes you attractive.

And then the more imperfect that you allow yourself to be, and when you’re okay with that, you just accept that, the more you’ll actually improve your game. Because making mistakes is your strength, because you’re pushing the boundaries of what you’re capable of.

You Don’t Want to Be Grasping For Outcomes

Really, what this wanting perfection of 100% guaranteed success is, is reaching too much for an outcome and results. When you’re focused or obsessed over getting results and an outcome, you’ll feel anxiety, you’ll feel tense, you’ll feel nervous, you’ll feel urgent.

Because you have this performance anxiety where you feel you have to do everything “correctly and perfectly”, you have to perform.

And you end up putting on this tremendous show to entertain the girls, trying to get the girls to like you.

You’re so serious about achieving some outcome of perfection, like “I have to do this right,” or “I’ve got to make every girl like me every time,” or “I have to approach with exactly the right things to say,” all of these “I have to” statements, creates just an enormous pressure on you.

So much pressure paralyses you.

Perfectionism = pressure = performance anxiety = lack of action = no results!

But when you let go of wanting results, when you let go of wanting perfect magic bullets, when you let go of the outcome, then you won’t feel that pressure anymore. You won’t feel the performance anxiety anymore.

And you won’t feel anxiety, stress, or negativity.

And it allows you to instead be playful, to have fun, to feel passion, and positive emotions.

So you can say to yourself, “I don’t need to be perfect.”

“My flaws and foibles is what makes me real and attractive.”

“It’s okay to make mistakes.”

“Girls like me for myself.”

“I’m enough as I am and I’m entitled to beautiful women as I am.”

And that self-acceptance of making mistakes and accepting your flaws as features is key to getting past approach anxiety and taking action and getting results with girls.

Quiet Your Self-Critic

So quiet that self-critic of yours. Your self-critic is that little voice that every time you make a mistake, this little voice in your head tells you, “That was dumb.” Or “You sucked with that girl.”

Some guys have a big problem with this, even on little things in their life, like when they drop some food on the floor, they think to themselves, “They was stupid of you.”

So this negative self-critic of yours is talking to you through the day, basically putting you down.

And it gives you a kind Do-Or-Die perfectionist thinking mindset.

Where you view every challenge or task in the world as black or white, fail or succeed, all or nothing, you suck or you’re a winner without any shades of gray in between.

So when it comes to girls, you’re thinking goes like, “Either I’m going to approach this girl, or I suck.”

Or, “I’ve got to make her like me, or I’m a loser.”

Or, “I’ve got to get her number or I failed!”

Or, “If I don’t approach right away and have a great night, I will disappoint myself!”

Don’t Set Yourself Up For Failure

The criteria for success becomes so high and so narrow, that you are setting yourself up for failure, because you give yourself such a high bar to always have to jump over.

And then you don’t achieve your high expectations and what happens next is that the little self-critic voice inside your head begins talking down to you and kicking you.

Guys with that kind of thinking style of all-or-nothing perfectionism, don’t last very long because to them, only being perfect and running 100% tight game with no rejection ever is only good enough.

Your Looks and Perfectionism

That kind of thinking spills into your looks too.

You start to imagine that you need to be perfect. You need to be “good looking”, you need to be turning girls’ heads and looking like Brad Pitt. So you set the bar so high, by thinking, “Man, I don’t look like Brad Pitt, I’m not tall enough of whatever, I might as well not every try!”

So you don’t try because of that all-or-nothing thinking.

Setbacks WILL Happen – But That’s OKAY

Listen all kinds of “set backs” are going to happen to you.

When you first go out, you’re not going to be socially warmed up yet and you’ll feel stiff, and you’ll lose girls as you warm up.

You’ll have a long interaction talking to a girl that you really like, and then she goes to the bathroom and you don’t see her again.

You’ll come to the end of the night in a club after you’ve talking to 10 girls and yet you don’t have any solid phone numbers.

Or you could have a string of rejections.

All of that can happen. And if you go into this all-or-nothing, perfectionism, mindset where that self-critical voice is going to put you down, you’re not going to last very long.

Instead, you’ve got to shut down that negative voice and understand that things usually won’t go perfectly. That it’s good enough to do it well, and it’s good enough to do it badly, as long as you got out the door to show up. Getting it done poorly is still getting it done. You’ve got to become comfortable with achieving all shades of gray.

Set Your Standards Of Success LOWER

And set your standards lower. Where if you just open and the conversation lasts two minutes, that’s successful. In fact, your only criteria for success should be if you open.

This allows fits into this idea of staying in the set and persistence. Don’t get obsessed about making the guy like you every moment of the interaction. And don’t jump out of or leave the set just because you hit a lull or there’s an awkward silence.

Because sometimes, even if initially the girl isn’t that responsive to you, just by staying in the set, you’ll turn her around.

Just stay in set, don’t panic, don’t try to make things go perfect, don’t talk down to yourself. Just chill out, and re-engage the girls. Because social interactions don’t go in straight lines from A to B to C. They curve around, they flow in different directions, so allow room for imperfection, allow room for mistakes, and allow yourself to be okay with losing the girl.

Again, it comes back to lowering the bar for success and not letting that self-critical voice talk down to you.

So drop the perfectionism, embrace your flaws, and count every little achievement as a success!

4 thoughts on “How Perfectionism leads to Pressure… leads to Performance Anxiety… leads to No Results!”

  1. Hey Jesse,

    Thanks for the words of wisdom man! This is powerful stuff. I’m in a long-term relationship (which has given me two beautiful daughters) but have recently been trying to get some ‘zing’ back into our sex life – which has been very flat the last few years. Your website is really helping me attack bad old habits to replace them with new, positive ones, and this article has hit the nail on the head! I’ve just been too caught up in my own personal failings (often little, even unnoticable things which I build up in my head to be gamebreakers) and no longer properly relax, laugh and enjoy myself no matter what – especially when it comes to sex!

    After reading this, I think I finally get it. Chill. Enjoy. Laugh. Take charge. Work hard without beating myself up over little failures. The rest will come! You’re helping me build a new mindset which I already know will have an affect beyond just sex, but in all aspects of my life.

    I really appreciate your efforts to help guys like me make real life changes.

    Cheers Jesse!

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