You want to be expressive instead of trying to be impressive or try to impress.
Most guys try to memorize jokes, they memorize funny stories, they memorize routines, all to get good reactions, all to make the girl like them, all to get approval.
Whenever you are trying to impress a woman, you are looking for her approval.
You are looking if she likes you.
You are looking for her permission.
This is a beta frame to be coming from, where the girl has the power and you need her blessing.
And when youâre trying to impress a woman, you whip out all the routines and the circus act to make her like you. Youâre not being truly authentic, youâre putting up a front to make her like you, and that can be tiring and exhausting. Youâre not being the real you.
And it doesnât work that well.
Women can tell when youâre trying too hard to impress them with stories and games and being nice. And girls may laugh or be entertained, but it doesnât create that hard attraction that will make the girl want to chase you down and have sex with you.
And when you chase approval, youâre always chasing after those good responses. When you get a good response, you feel great. When you donât you feel terrible. And youâre on this rollercoaster of highs and lows and THAT is tiring and exhausting. You drain of energy FAST when youâre approval seeking. And then you end up quitting and going home.
You canât treat women like as if youâre on stage trying to get approval from the audience. You spend too much time and energy doing that, trying to get reactions.
Thatâs called âEntertainer Modeâ. Thatâs called being an expert âSchemerâ or an expert âManipulatorâ. Thatâs called putting on a façade of happiness when underneath youâre all insecure and needy. And youâll burn out fast doing that.
So instead of trying to impress and get approval from the girl to make her like you, approval should come from inside. You should be cool with all of your flaws and foibles and understand that women will be attracted to you for the real you and all of your defects.
Express Yourself â Donât Try to Impress With âThe Right Thing To Sayâ
Instead of trying to IMPRESS, you want to start EXPRESSING.
That means being LOUD, using breaking rapport tonality, telling the girl up front how you feel and that you like her⌠in other words being genuine. Tell her how it is, not hiding your intentions, smiling as expression.
It means telling her about what YOU like and what interests YOU the most, expressing THAT, and not trying to come up with what you think sheâll like to hear.
What most guys do, is they see a woman and they think about what would be the best thing to say. Or they have some conversational topics lined up already, or theyâre trying to reach or calibrate to the situation for the âright thingâ to say.
But thatâs is actually pretty bad.
When you go up to a girl you want to have absolutely NOTHING in your mind, just a good feeling in your hear and body. NO preparation.
And this is really important.
Because if youâre thinking about what you need to say to impress the girl, itâs a subtle form of supplication. Itâs a subtle form of kissing ass.
And the girl is going to sense on a subtle level, that youâre reaching for the right thing to say. That something is a little forced. That youâre not naturally who you are really being and you are trying to be someone slightly else to impress her or to kiss her ass, and sheâll sense that lower value from you.
Also, it just puts you inside your head. Youâre reaching for what to say, you hesitate, and you come up with reasons not to approach and say hello, and your opportunity is lost.
Whereas on the other hand, if you just go in with NOTHING inside your head, you just approach, boom and itâs done.
Whatever comes out of your mouth, is valuable, purely because itâs coming from YOU.
Meaning, if you comment on the weather, you make the weather cool, because you are a cool guy.
If you talk about your taxes, you make taxes cool, because you are a cool guy.
Thatâs opposed to the other way. Youâre not cool, and you need to say an over-the-top, exciting, prepared story thatâs going to make you sound cool.
No you ARE cool, and anything that comes from your mouth is cool too, and you have self-trust in that.
For instance, I like oatmeal. I like putting different things into oatmeal. So Iâll talk about oatmeal a lot and cooking oatmeal.
And because Iâm passionate about it, smiling, really engaging the girl, the girl gets interested in oatmeal too. I make oatmeal cool, because I am fucking cool as fuck. Period.
In other words, youâre speaking about what you authentically find interesting, what you authentically enjoy and the girl senses that. Itâs genuine. Itâs authentic. Itâs spontaneous.
The only thing that should be in your mind when youâre talking to a girl, is not, âwhat can I say to impress her,â but âI want to see if this girl is cool, so Iâll talk about this, and she can enjoy my awesoneness.â See big difference in mentality there?
And when you arenât trying to think a step ahead, and you just have that good feeling in your body, the girl will sense it. It will be smooth. It will be natural. Youâll be a âcool guyâ that just talked to her very naturally about what YOU wanted and made it cool.
Whereas if youâre thinking ahead, and trying to have the right things to say, thereâs no real authentic communication going on, itâs harder to connect with the girl as equals because youâre coming from a place of wanting to impress her, so youâre not really listening to what sheâs saying.
So thatâs the deal. Go up, with NOTHING in your head. And talk about whatever it is. It can be stupid. The weather. Your shoes. What happened to you that day. LOWER your standards for what you talk about, because whatever it is, itâs cool because of YOU, because you are a cool guy and make it cool.
Jack Black â Impressing or Expressing?
Take a look at this video clip from the movie âSchool of Rockâ starring Jack Black.
Most guys when they go out to meet girls (like 99% of them) are like Principle Rosaline Mullins, played by actress Joan Cusack. Sheâs wound up tight, follows ALL the rules and procedures, sticks to the lesson plan, and feels pressure of the uptight parents wanting everything to be perfect which has made her into someone she never wanted to be: a wound up bitch.
Now take a look at your typical guy who goes out to meet girls.
His head may be packed with lines, theories and strategies, but heâs just like Principle Mullins. Heâs wound up tight inside, wants to follow all the rules and routines of complex pickup schematics and âdo it rightâ, feels stifled and choked inside, and is needy for approval and the blessing of all the girls he sees and talks to. The result: his game is stiff and stifled and he has massive approach anxiety.
Thatâs how most guys go out to meet girls; theyâre just like Principle Mullins. But you wonât get laid if youâre like that inside.
Now take a look at Jack Black.
The guy is freely expressive and in the moment, almost to the point of self-delusion. He does a cool conversation âroutineâ but itâs spontaneous and in the moment so it comes off as genuine and authentic. Heâs not after the childrenâs or parentâs approval, heâs just being himself, whatever they might think. And heâs LOUD. Heâs physically loud and expressive, and his voice is loud and expressive.
In short, heâs everything that Principal Mullins is not.
You need a good dose of Jack Black in you when you go out. You need to be the guy that creates the party. You need to be the guy that talks nonsense and expresses himself physically without that needy approval seeking and self-monitoring.
If your voice is loud, if youâre body language is open and expressive, if youâre coming up with silly conversation nonsense in the moment, if youâre energy is positive and upbeat, then right there girls will want to be a part of that. Women will be opening YOU and following YOU around.
Why? Because itâs so hard to find a guy like that today. Everyone is stifled like Principal Mullins⌠including the girls themselves! The girls you meet want to be around a guy who is happy and free. They want to meet a guy who will take them on an adventure. They want to meet a guy who will give them permission to step out of their stifled Principal Mullins persona and into their Jack Black wild side.
But the girls need YOU to go there first. And if you do, theyâll follow you all the way to the bedroom.
An Expression Exercise
So as an exercise, you want to think of the very thing about yourself that would get the LEAST approval from a girl.
Try to think of something to say that would embarrass you.
For example that you like to read Dr. Seuss books.
Or that you like to watch Star Trek The Next Generation.
Or that you like to eat raw broccoli.
Or that you still have your Teddy Bear.
Or that you pee in the shower.
Or that you canât always hit the toilet when you pee.
Or that you still live with your parents.
Whatever it is, something potentially embarrassing.
And go up to a girl that you want to talk to, and start a conversation about it. And start it by speaking very loudly, that embarrassing piece of information about yourself. And as you talk about it, I want you to keep adding to it so that it becomes increasingly embarrassing or elaborate.
Zero approval-seeking.
And women respond really WELL to that kind of opener because youâre being real, authentic, vulnerable, and itâs kind of funny when you lay out your embarrassing quirks. Women love it. And itâs not everyday that guys are being real instead of trying to subtly kiss the womanâs ass by trying to be impressive. By not seeking approval to be liked, youâll actually do far better.
So thatâs an exercise that can really help you be far less approval seeking and instead by EXPRESSIVE.
I’ve been the guy described above- zero results. I mean zero result folks. I’ve never cared to impress anyone (although not anti-social or nasty about it) and it never panned out; not with work and certainly not with women in any consistent or important way.
play the emotion, and be nice! risky games, but it works like a charms!
yep!
FIRST STEP: Limiting computer use to 1 hr per day, give up the teevee for one hr or two COMEDY dvd per wk, begin the day by smiling in the mirror, putting smileyfaces all over there yr car, wherever, as reminders to SMILE SMILE SMILE, then take that First Step by getting out there in the game by going out, walking downtown, walking in the mall, strolling the city, browsing in stores and shops, all good low budget outings, go out, go out, go out, because Going Out With A Girl requires GOING OUT, all the time, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, five, ten, fifteen hours a day.
Thanks, good tips Buster đŽ
Hi I’ve tried this but I can’t seem to convince any girls how cool herpes is..? any tips?
Say it with confidence and playfulness and she’ll laugh. Â Girls like it because you’re not trying to impress her, you’re disqualifying yourself – that’s very alpha and confident
the fuck is that! hahaha!
hi
The point is, a happy man is a man who lives in harmony with *his nature* not others.
I am that guy. It’s nice and all, but won’t get you girls.
i c…
thats a great point.
Love the concept of not looking for approval. Needs to be driven home alot with our conditioned society….
I’ve never looked for approval, all the guys I knew that did got way, way, way more women than me. Quantity or quality? Wrong, my ‘quality’ sucked as well. If I could do it all over again I would be the guy seeking approval. Trouble is- I just ain’t that guy unfortunately:(
Great points. But remember, you also dont need to be the ‘loud expressive’ guy who is obviously doing it for the sake of being loud and expressive ie attention getting. Although, this can work with some younger girls, or in a club type environment. Instead, it must be from a place that you are not second guessing what comes out of your mouth for the sake of image /ego control. You dont care about her reaction, and your ego cannot be touched. It can be toned down to where you simply are very sexual (verbally)/ flirtatious with her, think James Bond, with no outcome dependence as to her reaction. The trick is that most girls expect a guy to be outcome dependent, because most guys are, and therefore you must make it somehow clear to her that you are not. Otherwise she may assume, which will cause her to give a different response than what you are after. This has happened to me before.
Oh Jesse~
You are so right!!! Women want adventure. They crave it. I live in San Diego, and have spent many years traveling the world thanks to the military. It is impossible to count the number of women who wouldn’t of dreamed to get naked outside or go skinny-dipping…. until they met me. And somehow, I always knew to take the first step at being carefree to the point of being wild. They’d never take that first step, especially in some of the Asian countries. I did, and I always stepped the up to wild stuff gradually. They always want more and more… I don’t know how many wedding proposals I’ve receive, and I am not talking about the foreigners wanting a fiance visa, but smoking hot chicks right here in the States. I had one chick who used to call me, and say, “Oh, Indi, please come take me away,” and my name ain’t Indiana. We spent alot of time out at the Colorado River in the desert, naked of course, four-wheeling, hiking, and skinny-dipping. And of course, watching the stars beside a campfire with some chilled wine. Oh yeah~~ she has memories, as I do of cours. Adventure Dudes! Get away from your virtual world and get out there and lead them!!
Any way Jesse, you are doing a great public service! We used to say in the military about being a mentor to the youngens, “Women give birth to baby boys, but it is men, who give birth to men.” Which means, if we do everything our Momma pushes on us, we won’t be …. Gosh.. Get some testosterone.. be a bit Neandrathal!!! Aaagh! Watching some guys is so painful! I could keep on, but I got to go… Got to get out and live in the world~~ You know, be a participant instead of a spectator.
Thanks for the comments Mark
Great article.. That’s exactly how it should be! How do I get in touch with you to do some private coaching?
Great comments. thanks
Powerful. Right on the money Jesse. Keep kicking ass đ
Thanks đ
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