You want to be expressive instead of trying to be impressive or try to impress.
Most guys try to memorize jokes, they memorize funny stories, they memorize routines, all to get good reactions, all to make the girl like them, all to get approval.
Whenever you are trying to impress a woman, you are looking for her approval.
You are looking if she likes you.
You are looking for her permission.
This is a beta frame to be coming from, where the girl has the power and you need her blessing.
And when you’re trying to impress a woman, you whip out all the routines and the circus act to make her like you. You’re not being truly authentic, you’re putting up a front to make her like you, and that can be tiring and exhausting. You’re not being the real you.
And it doesn’t work that well.
Women can tell when you’re trying too hard to impress them with stories and games and being nice. And girls may laugh or be entertained, but it doesn’t create that hard attraction that will make the girl want to chase you down and have sex with you.
And when you chase approval, you’re always chasing after those good responses. When you get a good response, you feel great. When you don’t you feel terrible. And you’re on this rollercoaster of highs and lows and THAT is tiring and exhausting. You drain of energy FAST when you’re approval seeking. And then you end up quitting and going home.
You can’t treat women like as if you’re on stage trying to get approval from the audience. You spend too much time and energy doing that, trying to get reactions.
That’s called “Entertainer Mode”. That’s called being an expert “Schemer” or an expert “Manipulator”. That’s called putting on a façade of happiness when underneath you’re all insecure and needy. And you’ll burn out fast doing that.
So instead of trying to impress and get approval from the girl to make her like you, approval should come from inside. You should be cool with all of your flaws and foibles and understand that women will be attracted to you for the real you and all of your defects.
Express Yourself – Don’t Try to Impress With “The Right Thing To Say”
Instead of trying to IMPRESS, you want to start EXPRESSING.
That means being LOUD, using breaking rapport tonality, telling the girl up front how you feel and that you like her… in other words being genuine. Tell her how it is, not hiding your intentions, smiling as expression.
It means telling her about what YOU like and what interests YOU the most, expressing THAT, and not trying to come up with what you think she’ll like to hear.
What most guys do, is they see a woman and they think about what would be the best thing to say. Or they have some conversational topics lined up already, or they’re trying to reach or calibrate to the situation for the “right thing” to say.
But that’s is actually pretty bad.
When you go up to a girl you want to have absolutely NOTHING in your mind, just a good feeling in your hear and body. NO preparation.
And this is really important.
Because if you’re thinking about what you need to say to impress the girl, it’s a subtle form of supplication. It’s a subtle form of kissing ass.
And the girl is going to sense on a subtle level, that you’re reaching for the right thing to say. That something is a little forced. That you’re not naturally who you are really being and you are trying to be someone slightly else to impress her or to kiss her ass, and she’ll sense that lower value from you.
Also, it just puts you inside your head. You’re reaching for what to say, you hesitate, and you come up with reasons not to approach and say hello, and your opportunity is lost.
Whereas on the other hand, if you just go in with NOTHING inside your head, you just approach, boom and it’s done.
Whatever comes out of your mouth, is valuable, purely because it’s coming from YOU.
Meaning, if you comment on the weather, you make the weather cool, because you are a cool guy.
If you talk about your taxes, you make taxes cool, because you are a cool guy.
That’s opposed to the other way. You’re not cool, and you need to say an over-the-top, exciting, prepared story that’s going to make you sound cool.
No you ARE cool, and anything that comes from your mouth is cool too, and you have self-trust in that.
For instance, I like oatmeal. I like putting different things into oatmeal. So I’ll talk about oatmeal a lot and cooking oatmeal.
And because I’m passionate about it, smiling, really engaging the girl, the girl gets interested in oatmeal too. I make oatmeal cool, because I am fucking cool as fuck. Period.
In other words, you’re speaking about what you authentically find interesting, what you authentically enjoy and the girl senses that. It’s genuine. It’s authentic. It’s spontaneous.
The only thing that should be in your mind when you’re talking to a girl, is not, “what can I say to impress her,” but “I want to see if this girl is cool, so I’ll talk about this, and she can enjoy my awesoneness.” See big difference in mentality there?
And when you aren’t trying to think a step ahead, and you just have that good feeling in your body, the girl will sense it. It will be smooth. It will be natural. You’ll be a “cool guy” that just talked to her very naturally about what YOU wanted and made it cool.
Whereas if you’re thinking ahead, and trying to have the right things to say, there’s no real authentic communication going on, it’s harder to connect with the girl as equals because you’re coming from a place of wanting to impress her, so you’re not really listening to what she’s saying.
So that’s the deal. Go up, with NOTHING in your head. And talk about whatever it is. It can be stupid. The weather. Your shoes. What happened to you that day. LOWER your standards for what you talk about, because whatever it is, it’s cool because of YOU, because you are a cool guy and make it cool.
Jack Black – Impressing or Expressing?
Take a look at this video clip from the movie “School of Rock” starring Jack Black.
Most guys when they go out to meet girls (like 99% of them) are like Principle Rosaline Mullins, played by actress Joan Cusack. She’s wound up tight, follows ALL the rules and procedures, sticks to the lesson plan, and feels pressure of the uptight parents wanting everything to be perfect which has made her into someone she never wanted to be: a wound up bitch.
Now take a look at your typical guy who goes out to meet girls.
His head may be packed with lines, theories and strategies, but he’s just like Principle Mullins. He’s wound up tight inside, wants to follow all the rules and routines of complex pickup schematics and “do it right”, feels stifled and choked inside, and is needy for approval and the blessing of all the girls he sees and talks to. The result: his game is stiff and stifled and he has massive approach anxiety.
That’s how most guys go out to meet girls; they’re just like Principle Mullins. But you won’t get laid if you’re like that inside.
Now take a look at Jack Black.
The guy is freely expressive and in the moment, almost to the point of self-delusion. He does a cool conversation “routine” but it’s spontaneous and in the moment so it comes off as genuine and authentic. He’s not after the children’s or parent’s approval, he’s just being himself, whatever they might think. And he’s LOUD. He’s physically loud and expressive, and his voice is loud and expressive.
In short, he’s everything that Principal Mullins is not.
You need a good dose of Jack Black in you when you go out. You need to be the guy that creates the party. You need to be the guy that talks nonsense and expresses himself physically without that needy approval seeking and self-monitoring.
If your voice is loud, if you’re body language is open and expressive, if you’re coming up with silly conversation nonsense in the moment, if you’re energy is positive and upbeat, then right there girls will want to be a part of that. Women will be opening YOU and following YOU around.
Why? Because it’s so hard to find a guy like that today. Everyone is stifled like Principal Mullins… including the girls themselves! The girls you meet want to be around a guy who is happy and free. They want to meet a guy who will take them on an adventure. They want to meet a guy who will give them permission to step out of their stifled Principal Mullins persona and into their Jack Black wild side.
But the girls need YOU to go there first. And if you do, they’ll follow you all the way to the bedroom.
An Expression Exercise
So as an exercise, you want to think of the very thing about yourself that would get the LEAST approval from a girl.
Try to think of something to say that would embarrass you.
For example that you like to read Dr. Seuss books.
Or that you like to watch Star Trek The Next Generation.
Or that you like to eat raw broccoli.
Or that you still have your Teddy Bear.
Or that you pee in the shower.
Or that you can’t always hit the toilet when you pee.
Or that you still live with your parents.
Whatever it is, something potentially embarrassing.
And go up to a girl that you want to talk to, and start a conversation about it. And start it by speaking very loudly, that embarrassing piece of information about yourself. And as you talk about it, I want you to keep adding to it so that it becomes increasingly embarrassing or elaborate.
And women respond really WELL to that kind of opener because you’re being real, authentic, vulnerable, and it’s kind of funny when you lay out your embarrassing quirks. Women love it. And it’s not everyday that guys are being real instead of trying to subtly kiss the woman’s ass by trying to be impressive. By not seeking approval to be liked, you’ll actually do far better.
So that’s an exercise that can really help you be far less approval seeking and instead by EXPRESSIVE.