Sexual Escalation- My 10 Best Tips

Some guys delude themselves with the idea that a slow seduction dragged out over several dates is the “proper” society approved method of courtship and is the most appropriate way to enjoy physical intimacy with the woman of his interest.

That kind of naïve opinion of the sexual escalation process comes from a lack of dating experience. Or it is based on fear. The fear of losing your chance with this woman by messing it up. Afraid to go for the kiss or any physical contact, he will constantly hesitate. Meanwhile, she has constantly been waiting for him to demonstrate his interest in her. If you show no sign you are sexually attracted to her she will either be indifferent to you, see you as a platonic acquaintance, or even worse, see you as potential provider/boyfriend material depending on how you interact with her.

Mark Manson in his book, Models: Attract Women through Honesty, points out that:

“Women are turned on by being wanted, by being desired. Suddenly, seemingly disconnected events that arouse women—a romantic marriage proposal in one instance, and a rape fantasy in another—make sense. Both indicate an extreme display of desire in her by a man.”

Demonstrating your desire for her is essential if you actually want to get intimate with her.

The following 10 tips will help you escalate quickly and avoid disappointment:

Tip #1: Don’t wait to escalate

When you are with a girl and realize you should start showing your interest, it is already too late. You should have complimented her sexy legs five minutes ago. You should have kissed her 10 minutes ago. The longer you wait, the closer you get to her friend-zoning you or seeing you as a potential boyfriend instead of as an attractive man she would like to have sex with.

Don’t try to escalate quickly to make yourself look cool. You don’t need the positive opinions of others to validate you. Escalate quickly because it is the most efficient way to demonstrate you are a lover and not a provider. Escalate quickly because to do otherwise be a display of dishonest intentions. You can more efficiently filter out the women who aren’t interested in what you have to offer.

Let’s say you are talking to a girl on a date for 5 hours without escalating at all. No touching. No sexual innuendo. No adult topics. It’s a very platonic, superficial, though enjoyable interaction. But the whole time, you are thinking to yourself, “How am I going to get this girl naked in my bed?”

You’re desires are not aligned with your actions. It’s actually very dishonest. You are also just wasting your time. You will keep stretching out this interaction and the subsequent second date for the hope that by luck, she will suddenly take the initiative and tell you she’d love to have sex with you. But that’s not how it works. If she is completely oblivious to the desires you have for her, she is just enjoying the free attention you are giving her.

But what if, from the beginning of your first date, you made it clear you were sexually interested in her, and she made it clear that at this stage in her life she wasn’t interested in what you had to offer. You persisted, yet realized there was no chance to convince this girl to reprogram her prudish thinking. Then you have a legitimate reason to filter her out and move on to a woman you would actually enjoy interacting with. Instead of pretending you actually enjoy talking to her about mundane topics while secretly fantasizing about all the positions you want to try with her.

Your time is very valuable. Don’t waste it. There is no reason to hide your desires. Don’t lie to yourself. And don’t lie to her. Be honest. Be congruent. It will save you a lot of time and disappointment

Tip #2: Start from the beginning of the interaction

From the beginning of the interaction hold seductive eye contact, invade her space, touch her hands, lean in close to her neck and compliment the way she smells.

Fast escalation demonstrates your attractiveness. If you can escalate from the beginning of the interaction you are showing you are confident. You aren’t afraid to show your desire for her.

If she pays attention to something else or resists you, don’t display any disappointment. You don’t need to tease or challenge her in an attempt to win her attention. That kind of behavior is just needy. Especially when you do it not out of pure self-amusement but because you hope you can keep her attention long enough to get her attracted to you. You don’t need to try so hard.

Seductive eye contact, your touch, and proximity to her are enough to build attraction as long as you are doing these things to demonstrate your desire for her and not as some “routine” you hope will build attraction.

Tip #3: Always Escalate One Step More

Never be satisfied with your current level of success. Many guys enjoy a flirty conversation with a girl and would hate to burst that bubble of enjoyable interaction by trying to take the interaction one step further. They want to leave the Texas Hold’em table of seduction after winning 2 worthless dollars. But if they stayed at the table they could win it all.

They can delude themselves into believing they have a happy memory of the tiny slice of success they already had. But the truth is they often could have gotten so much more. Instead of flirting with one girl for five minutes and taking her phone number while feeling you were successful, you could have invited her on a date immediately and who knows what after that. But you will never know what could have happened if you never even try.

It makes you feel good when a girl is smiling at you and laughing at your humorous teases. But is that really enough to you? Many guys are content just to have a woman’s attention and would hate to lose that attention by offending her or sexually escalating too fast.  Women love the free attention.  But she will only keep validating your ego until she meets a man who can actually demonstrate his sexual desire for her.

Tip #4: Going for the Kiss

Have you ever tried to kiss a girl, but she moved her face away and didn’t let you connect lips? How did you react? I’m always surprised when men give up on the entire escalation just because she didn’t want to kiss the first time. If she didn’t want to kiss you. It just means she isn’t ready to kiss you at this exact moment. It does not mean she never wants to kiss you.

The point of the first time you touch her or kiss her is not necessarily to succeed. The point is to show her that you are confident and to show her that you want her. Don’t expect your first attempt at kissing her to work. It doesn’t need to. If she isn’t ready for the kiss then just relax, and try again later.

Women want to see how you react to their resistance. If you seem disappointed then you lose points in her eyes. By not expecting the kiss to succeed you won’t be disappointed. It’s kind of like a test and to show you are sexually attracted to her.

Tip #5: Seductive Eye Contact

Eye contact is the beginning of seduction. Don’t be afraid to hold eye contact longer than usual. It will get uncomfortable. But lean into that awkward tension. Because it is a form of sexual tension.

Whenever you break eye contact first out of that uncomfortable feeling you are showing a lack of confidence. But by maintaining eye contact you are showing you are sexually interested in her. Combine your eye contact with a sly smile and keep eyes locked with hers until she breaks eye contact first.

If you are used to breaking eye contact first you will be surprised at how often women will maintain eye contact with you for an uncomfortable length of time if only you allow it to happen. Your eyes show your power, dominance and sexual confidence. They show you are not shy about going for what you want.

If you are terrified of looking deep into her eyes for more than a brief moment then why would she believe you are confident enough to actually seduce her?

Sometimes you will be talking with a girl you are interested in and someone else will come to talk to her.  Or you are in a group of people. Don’t pay attention to the person who interrupts your conversation. Don’t look at him. Just keep your eyes focused on hers. When someone talks, the common reaction is to look at the speaker. But instead, maintain eye contact with the listener, because she is the person you are actually interested in. It probably won’t be obvious to anyone but her that you are looking at her. You are communicating that you are interested in her and her reaction. You are subtly seducing her with eye contact even though some other guy is wasting his time talking to her.

Tip #6: Touching

Touching solidifies in her mind the memory of a physical connection with you. When you go to shake her hand don’t pull your hand away first. Allow her hand to linger in hers until she pulls away first. Some girls will keep her hand in yours unusually long. She will relax into the warmth of your hand until she feels it’s appropriate to remove her hand from yours.

Touch isn’t just some routine meant to make her excited for you. When you touch her, it should be a demonstration of your desire for her. It should also be mutual. Tell her to give you a quick massage. Give her a high five and all your fingers to lock together. Touch her hands and get her to touch you back. Touch is extremely arousing.

Tip #7: Get Close

Don’t be afraid to get close. Lock eyes with her and step into her bubble of personal space. Getting physically close to her is an essential demonstration of your interest in her. The closer you are to her, obviously the more interested you are in her.

Tip #8: Embrace Sexual Tension

In every interaction between a man and women there will be sexual tension. Some men can’t handle it. When a women looks into his eyes he will look away shyly. A woman will stare into your eyes because she is searching for a man who can handle that sexual tension.

When you shake hands with her, the person who pulls their hand away first is the most uncomfortable with the sexual tension present in that moment.

When neither of you are talking, whoever talks first is the most uncomfortable. Don’t be scared of silence. Just keep looking into her eyes expecting her to break the tension. You are not an entertainer. You are not a clown. You don’t need to constantly be providing humorous anecdotes for her amusement.  Let her feel the pressure to talk and qualify herself to you.

When a sexual topic comes up, whoever changes the topic first is probably feeling uncomfortable and so loses that sexual tension battle.

In all these situations you must embrace the sexual tension and show you are comfortable with it. If you feel awkward or uncomfortable just lean into that feeling. Enjoy it. It increases the sexual tension.

Tip #9: Don’t wait for an indication of interest

The fact she is still interacting with you is the only indication you need. By escalating you will make her interested in you.

Don’t assume you need to wait for her to obviously indicate to you she is interested. You don’t need to wait for her to constantly smile at you. You don’t need to wait for her to grab your arm and constantly touch you.

You can touch her first. Don’t play it safe by constantly waiting for her to be the chooser and decide you are good enough to have earned her interest. If you decide she is good enough to arouse you then the honest thing to do is it to indicate to her that you are interested.

Touching a girl will let you know everything you need to know. If she doesn’t let you touch her or hold her hand for a few seconds either isn’t interested or she isn’t interested yet. If you don’t screen for a girls interest you are just allowing her to waste your valuable time.

Tip #10: Don’t Let Girls Waste Your Time

There is a story I like in Allan Roger Currie’s book, Oooh Say It Again, in the story, Allan is constantly trying to kiss, touch and get intimate with his date. But she constantly rejects his attempts and reminds him she won’t have sex on the first date. Frustrated, Allan goes outside to go for a walk. To his surprise, his date follows him outside and nags him saying, “What are you doing? So, you’re going to be anti-social now? You’re going to cry like a baby because I won’t let you tongue kiss me and make out with me? What a crybaby!” Then she started laughing.

Finally, after not being able to take her bullshit anymore, Allan replies, “crybaby? I’ll tell you this…. I won’t be crying when I am watching you suck my hard dick.”

She stopped laughing and said, “excuse me?” What did you say?” She looked angry. Allan’s gentleman side wanted to apologize. But he told her the truth, “You’re excused. And you heard me. You got two choices tonight … either leave me the fuck alone… or let’s go back inside and fuck. You choose.”

He then took her to her car where she blew him and they had sex later that night.

Don’t be afraid of rejection. Many ‘pick-up’ theories and methods were created in a needy attempt to avoid rejection. But this can lead to you teasing a girl for hours while she soaks up the free entertainment you provide and then you go home alone never to see her again.

Always filter out the time-wasters. You don’t need to be as crude in delivering this kind of ultimatum as Allan if it is not your style. But seriously do not let women waste your time. Many women just love the free attention men give them, and it’s a refreshing surprise when a man can directly state exactly what he expects from a woman and threaten to cut off his valuable attention if she doesn’t deliver.

About Maxim Adam: I started coaching confidence, and communication skills to men in Asia when I was confronted with the immense limiting beliefs of men who had not yet realized the power in authenticity, confidence and social skills. I am passionate about history, travel, and the pursuit of truth. Check out my website at and on facebook:

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