“Hey, Jesse! Thanks for all the tips. My problem is getting past small talk with a girl. The conversations seem to go well at first, but eventually they just lose their energy and die off. What do I say to a girl to get past small talk with her? Thanks.” Roger
All right, listen up, my friend, because this is key. I’m going to show you seven ways to get past small talk, which is important because once you know how to break out of small talk, amazing things can happen in your love life.
You can get a girl’s phone number in a couple of minutes.
You can get a girl to open up and talk to you about her craziest sexual fantasies within 30 minutes of meeting her, or have a girl talk to you for hours at time, doing 90 percent of the work because she doesn’t want to leave you.
You can turn that girl into your amazing girlfriend or bedroom bunny just like that and with these seven ways to get out of small talk, you can begin to do that on any girl in any situation.
Be sure to watch all the way through to the end of this video because I have an 8-secret method to break out of small talk, which I’m saving the very best for last.
Small Talk Example
Now falling into the small talk trap happens to be me all the time. My gosh! It was horrible. It was embarrassing. It was very cringe-worthy. I get into a conversation with a girl. She’d ask me questions. I’d ask her questions and my conversations will always go something like this, “So, where are you from?” I’d ask her.
Her: “Oh, I grew up in Buffalo, New York, moved her about 2 years ago. And you?”
Me: “Oh, I grew up here.”
Her: “I see,” she would say. “What do you do?”
Me: “Oh, I’m a computer programmer. I like to program code.”
Her: “Oh, nice.”
You had asked her, “What do you do?”
Her: “Oh, I’m a nurse at the hospital.”
Me: “Oh, that’s great.” Awkward pause. “How do you like working there?”
Her: “Oh, it’s okay. Nothing special. How do you like being a computer programmer?”
Me: “Well, it pays the bills.”
Her: “Okay, I should go see how my friends are doing. It was really nice meeting you.”
That’s just how all my conversations would go. It was boring. It was awkward. It was pathetic, and the girl would just excuse herself, and I just could not hold a conversation without it dying in my arms a slow painful death. You don’t want to be trapped in that conversation purgatory either, my friend.
Small Talk Isn’t Inherently Bad
Now small talk is not inherently bad. It serves a useful function.
What’s your name? Where are you from? What do you do? How’s your mother? How’s your cousin? All of that is small talk. It’s polite conversation.
It’s what you use with friends, with family members, with acquaintances who haven’t seen each other in a while as a way of catching up. It’s a correct, socially smart conversation style in that specific situation.
The problem, my friend, is that polite conversation is very surface level, and best suited for friend-to-friend interactions. It’s not suited for man-to-woman interactions where you want to create attraction with that girl.
When you got the thoughts running through your head, “Wow! There is this pretty girl, standing right in front of me. I need to impress her.” You fall back on polite small talk, friend-to-friend conversation, that is when both you and the girl begin to feel awkward.
You get this awkward sensation inside of your body because the sexual faucet energy up inside your head don’t match with the friend-to-friend actions and words you’re saying because you’re trying to hide your interest in the girl, and then both you and the girl can feel that incongruence.
Then the girl wants to fucking split because she feels uncomfortable and she feels trapped in a conversation that is very surface level and isn’t going anywhere and isn’t connecting with her. She feels through her female sixth sense that you are attracted to her, but it feels like she is having a conversation with her grandpa that she hasn’t seen in 10 years, so it feels fucking weird.
Problem #1. Small Talk is FAKE
It’s fake. It’s fake. It’s fake. It’s fake.
It’s fake as hell because you’re sexually excited by the girl, but you’re hiding that from her.
You’re talking to her about a bunch of surface level shit that you don’t really care about and just being polite instead of being real with her. The real you isn’t shining through and that comes across as incongruent and awkward to the girl.
Remember small talk is perfectly fine to use on friends and family to catch up and friend-to-friend interactions that’s genuine, that will feel natural. But small talk flops the shit when you use it on the pretty girl that you’re interested in.
Problem #2. You are not leading
You need to lead and steer the conversation into directions that are interesting or educational, or entertaining, or revealing, or personal, but small talk is dry.
It’s emotionless. It’s boring. You’re floundering.
It’s like being in a swimming pool, treading water, stationary, just trying to keep your head above the water so that you don’t drown, but you’re not going anywhere.
You’re putting all the pressure on the girl’s shoulders to carry the conversation, which makes her feel uncomfortable and rightly so. She doesn’t know you. She’s in demand. Why should she have to carry the burden of making the conversation work? She’s not going to fucking do it. She’s not going to do it.
She’s not going to run away from you. That’s lame. You don’t want to be that guy.
Solution #1. Tell YOUR Story
You must take the reins of the conversation and to lead the conversation by telling your own story.
For example, you tell the girl about yourself. “Listen to this. I got to tell you about my day. I woke up this morning. I was excited because I’ve got some new computer code that I’m working on. Isn’t that cool when you wake up and you’re just excited for your day? It doesn’t always happen to me, but today, I was pumped. by the way, I’m a computer programmer.
I started programming when I was 14 years old because I just became fascinated with video games. Yes, I’m a real nerd. Before that, I was into comic books, Transformers, drew. Because I was feeling pumped, I went to the gym straight away to lift weights and I met this really interesting guy there. He had a fascinating story to tell you, I got to tell you this, blah, blah, blah. I moved to Phoenix last year. I find the city is fascinating. It’s so different from where I grew up, etc., etc. etc., blah, blah, blah.”
You see, my friend, in small talk, we’re so guarded about what we reveal about ourselves.
We’re defensive. We’re closed off, and as a result nothing comes out of our mouths. We just end up interviewing the girl, hoping that she will reveal herself first to us.
But if you want to create a real connection with a girl that lights a blazing fire in her eyes and makes her feel comfortable and attracted to you, then spill the beans about yourself first. Have a blabber mouth. Be open.
Share with her openly.
Share the details of the day.
Share the bigger picture of her life and what’s going on with you.
Just vomit those words out all over the girl, just vomit them out. Talk her ear off where you assume 90 percent of the conversational burden at first.
You do that by telling your story, your naked and honest story with a few embellishments and flourishes. Now sharing yourself and openly does a number of things in your favor.
- By telling the girl your story and being freely open with her, it smashes the polite conversation barrier to smithereens.
- It takes all the conversation pressure off of the girl because you’re the one going first and that makes her feel relaxed and comfortable.
- By you sharing first and sharing a lot, the girl will feel comfortable sharing her story back to you. When you give first, you will receive back.
- It’s leading the conversation and women are attracted to men who take control and lead.
- Lastly, it’s real. It’s authentic. It’s you. It won’t feel awkward. It will feel natural, normal and genuine, and that’s what the girl wants to feel which brings us to point 2 of moving past small talk.
Solution #2. Talk about what entertains YOU
Talk about what you want to talk about. Talk about what you want to hear.
Talk about what tickles your fancy, and don’t try to guess what you think the girl wants to hear.
Don’t talk about what you think will please her most. If there’s an interesting movie that you saw at the theater and your psyched up about it, even if it’s a nerd movie, talk about it.
I recently saw West World, the HBO television show. I really enjoyed it, so that’s what I’ve been talking about.
If you like comic books, talk about comic books and make it a point, make it a point to jump from topic to topic to topic, jump here, jump over there, move around in no logical order. You can be talking about your comic books in one moment and the next moment, if you’re hitting the gym and losing weight, talk about your routine at the gyms and your ups and downs.
There’s many benefits to talking about what entertains you instead of what you think the girl wants to hear.
- You reveal yourself and what you like to the girl and that pulls her into your world.
- Talking about what you like in an open and honest manner is real and authentic and the girl gets to know the real you.
- Talking about what you like keeps you interested so that you don’t get bored.
- It lifts the conversational burden off of the girl’s shoulders so that she feels comfortable and relaxed.
- You are leading. You are leading the direction of the conversation, which gets the girl attracted and gets her react into you, which brings us to technique 3 when moving past small talk.
Solution #3. Use illogical branching
You want to use illogical branching when it comes to your topics.
Guys think that they need to have a logical order to what they talk about. “What do you do? How do you like your job? When did you start working?”
Fuck that! Logical order is for small talk with friends and family. For a girl, jump around a conversation.
You can move sideways. Don’t feel like you have to finish the story. Keep them open and unfinished. That’s an open loop that keeps the girl curious.
You can tell her a little story about your pet dog, Max, then jump to a completely different topic like tell her about your workout for the day, then jump to something completely different like a trip you took, some traveling that you did, then tell her a little factoid like how when you’re looking at the sun, you’re actually looking at the sun as it was 8 minutes ago.
Then jump to a different story like tell her about your friend who found his girlfriend cheating on him, and then don’t even finish that story. Just leave it open-ended. Keep her curious about that and jump to even a different story about what you did at work.
You’re just jumping around from topic to topic to topic, branching out illogically and be sure to keep entertaining yourself while you do it.
Solution #3. Express your passion
With small talk, you’re just gathering some information; the emotional tone behind it is dry and flat. “How are you doing? That’s nice. How’s work? Nice. How’s the family? Nice.”
You see, not that much emotional range, which is fine to reconnect with friends and family that you haven’t seen in a while, not so good for a pretty girl, though. With a pretty girl, you want to pack some emotional punch, some emotional passion behind what you’re saying e.
Even if the topic is boring, say your breakfast, you can make your breakfast interesting with little emotional oomph!
Now the small talk version of eating breakfast might sound like, “Yeah, so for breakfast, it was oatmeal. It was nice.” That’s it. Kind of boring, right?
Well, let’s take the ordinary boring topic of eating breakfast and pack it with a little emotional passion, shall we?
You could say it like, “Yeah, I love eating oatmeal. I eat it almost every day. It’s like an addiction. What’s cool about oatmeal is that you can prepare it in all sorts of different ways, so if you want it different one day, you can. It just never gets boring. I bought these organic berries, blueberries and raspberries and they add the sweetness, but a very refined way that tests natural and not sugary. It’s like an explosion of flavor on your tongue. I can just picture that oatmeal in my mouth right now. Gosh, I think I’ll die if I didn’t have oatmeal. That’s why I can’t live in a strange place like Mongolia because I just miss my oatmeal too much!
You see, it’s more interesting, more engaging. It grabs you. Why? Because you can hear the emotional passion behind the words, far more interesting than, “Yeah, I ate breakfast today. It was nice.”
Anything can be given emotional passion to it, even your breakfast can begiven emotionality and detail. Even if you’re an accountant, you can make boring numbers and bookkeeping sound interesting if you just give it some detail and some passion, and that’s what sucks the girl into your world.
Solution #5. Authentically Care
Let’s face it, in small talk, whatever the girl tells you in a way, it’s like you don’t really give a fuck.
You’re giving her fake interest in what she’s saying. For example, you ask the girl, “What do you do?”
She’s like, “I’m a nurse.”
You’re like, “Okay, cool. Nice. Do you like being a nurse?”
She’s like, “Yeah, it pays well. It pays well. It has its upsides and its downsides.”
You’re like, “Cool! That’s nice.”
Look! You’re pretending to be interested. You’re not really interested in her or what she’s saying, or your interest is only surface-level deep. No, your focus is on yourself. Do I look cool? Is this awkward on me? What do I say next? How do I impress her?
You’re more concerned about your own self-image than what the girl is actually telling you, and you’re just giving her this canned, polite responses, given the bare minimum effort required to keep the conversation going without it completely dying. Well, let me tell you, my friend, that’s bullshit.
Whenever she gives you something, even something simple and basic like she’s a nurse or whatever profession she’s in or whatever she likes to do, take some genuine fucking interest in her.
Probe deeper. Ask her some genuine questions out of genuine, real authentic interest and excitement.
“So, what made you decide to do nursing? What’s the most interesting thing that ever happened to you as a nurse? Have any old man tried to hit on you as a nurse? That whole field is just fascinating to me. I have like a 100 different questions for you.”
Break that politeness barrier of small talk by probing deep and taking a genuine interest in the girl, not as a technique that someone told you to do, but because you take authentic, genuine interest in that girl as a fellow human being.
Solution #6. Be more polarizing
Small talk is polite conversation that we use with friends and family to catch up and we end up using it on a cute girl because we’re up inside our head, we’re nervous. We want to impress her. We want to make her like us. We never say anything even remotely controversial or challenging.
We’re just a vanilla nice guy who’s politically correct and boring. Well, fuck that!
Create an emotional reaction in her by being polarizing. There’s 2 primary ways of doing this.
Challenge her on things. “I like the color of your dress but I think red is more your color.” Or she’s a coffee lover addict, tell her that you don’t like the taste of coffee and, “It’s not a good thing to be drinking more than a cup a day.” Or tell her, “Ah! You like the movie La La Land? Yeah, I feel asleep in that movie.
Closely related to number 1, state strong opinions. “Yeah, I’m an environmentalist. I’m a tree-hugger. Fuck gasoline and ethanol. The future is solar, babe!”
Yes, not everyone is going to like you when you’re polarizing, but the girls that do like you will really, really like you when you challenge them and state your own opinions, and that’s what breaks down small talk.
Solution #7. Create a man-to-woman vibe
Small talk is friend-to-friend.
You want to break out of friend-to-friend quickly and have a man-to-woman interaction with the girl where she feels that sexual polarity, where she feels some sexual tension, and there’s a couple of ways to create that man-to-woman vibe like when you’re talking to the girl, and in the middle of the conversation, just throw out a little compliment.
You tell her, “You know what, you seem pretty cool. I actually kind of like you know that I’ve talked to you, and you’re pretty cute especially your eyes.”
Now you’ve created that sexual tension, that pow factor, so even if you’re talking about the weather next, it will have that extra meaning and context to her. She’ll be thinking to herself, “Hmm, I wonder if this guy likes me or not.” Suddenly talking about the weather will be a whole lot more interesting.
There you have it, my friend—seven ways to move past small talk forever, and I guarantee that if you implement these seven changes, you will have every girl you ever talk to eating out of your hand.
The Final Trick
Now at the end of the day, sometimes you just forget.
You forget everything you’re supposed to be doing and find yourself making small talk with a girl anyway. In that case, you also want some specific lines as backup to blast your way out of small talk purgatory and get her laughing and opening up to you.
I’ve been experimenting with what to say for over 15 years now, and I’ve developed some golden nuggets along the way, specific lines that trigger instant attraction and get the girl opening up to you, telling you her intimate little secrets as if you were her own boyfriend. Even in the most boring small talk conversation, you can still get the girl to kiss you first.
If you’re interested in that kind of heavy-hitting firepower, if you’re the kind of guy who wants to bring a bazooka to a baby shower, then simply tap on this magic button right here, my friend, and watch that next presentation right now.